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#468792 - 08/11/14 01:52 PM I can't look at pics of when I was young.
wild_turky Offline

Registered: 07/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Australia Queensland
The reason is because I see a child that I wish I could go and protect. Its been a long time now but it still hurts.I see that photo seared in my eye lids for weeks. I cant seem to win that fight. Any ideas brothers

#468800 - 08/11/14 10:06 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1146
Loc: michigan
I have to admit that I have the same issue. I have not got any pictures of myself when I was a kid in my house. when I go to my dads I see them sometimes and it still hurts me too. I hope one day to make it right with that little boy and not have to ache when I look at him.sorry Im not much help but sometimes its good to know you are not alone
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#468871 - 08/13/14 01:14 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
randombreeze Offline

Registered: 02/04/14
Posts: 60
Loc: WNY
Until recently I purposely avoided looking at any photos taken of me from age 14, when the abuse occurred, until early this year, when the serious phase of my recovery began. And ironically, it was a family pic my brother posted to facebook that kicked that recovery journey back into gear after years of stagnation.

You see, nearly every photo taken of me from 1972 up until recently, my face wore the same expression. Didn't matter if I was an 18 year old at a party, 30 something older brother escorting his sister down the aisle, or proud 50 year old Dad posing alongside one of his incredibly talented and beautiful children, I wore the same expression. My "look" has been invariably described as anything from determined, angry, scared, suspicious, and depressed. In truth the look was a combination of all those emotions, and they may as well been carved in stone.

For decades I had no way to bring out the smile stolen away when I was just a child. Through a combination of finding MaleSurvivor, therapy, and attending a WoR this past June, I've not only found the smile, but I'm able to wear the thing on my face as well. It's defintiely not easy, and I need to remind myself to do so sometimes, but quite incredible the feeling that comes from consciously changing a familiar frown into a satisfying smile.

You are not alone in this feeling, and I still sometimes feel sad looking at the angry and lonely boy in those old photos. But for me, they've become essential tools in reconnecting with the innocent boy that was NOT responsible for the evil things done to him.

My hope is you'll someday get to a place where you too are able to look at those old pics with strength, and tell the boy he's safe now that he's among friends that understand and support one another, and that he's going to be ok. Heal well and at your own pace brother.

Peace, Paul
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

#468972 - 08/15/14 06:20 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
wild_turky Offline

Registered: 07/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Australia Queensland
thanks for the reply's. The expressions on my face in photos are all happy-fun person he was hopeful. The boy turned into a strong man that survived and made the most out of everything before him. But I still hurt when I see that little boy with a big journey before him.
I have always moved past/through self pity as I use to struggle with self harm and suicide, a small part of it still lives in me hidden away I will not let that stop me. In that I decided to live and make the most out of life. I have never accepted charity and never will. I be-leave my journey will always continue and I will allays draw off my success and strong we must all be for if we fall that hole is deep. not to deep that the light cannot reach but it is cold and empty filled with things like why me. I don't cry for myself only others. Only that little boy cried not that man of today he will not fall maybe trip but never fall. I am a survivor and share that with you all I will.

#468973 - 08/15/14 06:23 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
wild_turky Offline

Registered: 07/20/14
Posts: 21
Loc: Australia Queensland
I sound like yodo. But yodo never won a dame thing. or did he ?

#468975 - 08/15/14 07:41 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1125
Loc: Southern US
I'm not sure Yodo ever won anything, but he sure has some good thoughts

When you look at the dark side careful you must be, for the dark side looks back.

Calm you shall be and carry on you must. Yes, hmmmmm

Yodo must be able to see into my life shocked. if I see the few pictures of me as a happy adolescent and teen, they always seem to look back, and ask WHY, and I don't have any answers.
The only way for me to deal with this is visualize what I wish the outcome could have been. This has a calming and peaceful effect - for a while.
Whether you say, "i can't do this," or say, "I CAN DO THIS" You're Right.

#469294 - 08/23/14 11:38 AM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 110
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I could not look at photos taken during the abuse period, not for a very long time. That has changed over the last few years. As my mom is getting older she is starting to ship our childhood photos to us "kids." Thanks to my decades of therapy, I guess I am looking at these images with "new" eyes.

I no longer see the abused child. I see a boy who lived through darkness to come out victorious in the lite. Do I still have moments of rage & guilt, yes. But I am alive, everything else is negotiable.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis

#469311 - 08/24/14 01:51 PM Re: I can't look at pics of when I was young. [Re: wild_turky]
traveler Online   confused

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4255
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
good to hear this, Izzy!

i had a similar experience.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3


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