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#469189 - 08/21/14 01:32 AM Making a lot of progress, still some hang ups
NeverGiveUp23 Offline

Registered: 01/10/13
Posts: 6
It has been a while since I have posted anything, but as I continue making progress I think it is important to stay in contact with those who understand what I have gone through. I posted in the past what happened to me, and the incidence of CSA. It has been 2 years the end of this month that I have been working through my PTSD from my childhood abuse, and there were many times as recent as this past winter that I thought I wouldn't live to tell my story anymore. But to get to my point of this post:

I had spoke on working through the confusion of human sexuality and how my abuse and acting out kind of caused confusion in the sense of being a heterosexual without many problems and then dealing with my trauma for the first time and not knowing what to make of being aroused or experiencing pleasure during the abuse and acting out with other kids, even those of the same sex, and how I am not about same sex sexual interactions but didn't understand how your body can deceive you. With it being abuse and unwanted experiences as a child, I couldn't understand how you could feel some pleasurable feelings and be fearful or helpless at the same time, it was in my head as it had to either be scary and traumatic or all pleasurable, it couldn't be that traumatic if your body responded as it does to sex in consensual experiences. Now my abuse was by a much older female babysitter when I was 3 or 4, and I acted out with like 4 girls and 2 boys before the age of 7 or 8, pretty much just repeating what I had originally experienced. But facing my abuse and the effects after instilled fear in me that others would think less of me, or would think I was gay. I didn't know you could be opposed to something or not have proper knowledge and yet your body would still respond physiologically as if you wanted it or asked for it.

Another thing that has gotten better but still lingers is fearing that others would think I am dangerous or may abuse just because I was abused. It isn't as strong of a force now but it definitely still pops up, and I am hoping time continues to relieve that.

The abuse has some negative effects on my self esteem and confidence. Still makes me feel like I am marked or appear vulnerable to others. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my skin at times. I am hoping as recovery continues those things will heal and the sense of self hate will dissipate.

The last thing I want to mention and maybe ask for advice regarding is feeling dirty or unclean after having sex with my fiance, she knows about my abuse as a child and the acting out but for whatever reason, I have no problem performing which used to be an issue not in the fact of getting aroused just I went through periods of not desiring sex. But now we have sex I just sometimes feel dirty or like I can't get clean following even if I wash my hands and everything after. I know it is common but I'm hoping time and perseverance will help in those areas too.

I pray for healing for all on this site, and hope you all make great progress.

God Bless

#469199 - 08/21/14 05:11 AM Re: Making a lot of progress, still some hang ups [Re: NeverGiveUp23]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
I hear you loud and clear.
I share your pain.
you speak for many of us,
I feel bold enough to say.

you ask the right questions.
I only wish I had the answers.


#469202 - 08/21/14 08:18 AM Re: Making a lot of progress, still some hang ups [Re: NeverGiveUp23]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
Take a moment to digest what your life has been, only then will you realize the devastation that you suffered, and how you were probably as a child abandoned, there is no room in this world for a desolate soul. Nature hates a void, so i think that all those empty places or painful memories have been clogged with shame, find a new way to love your body under your vision of what it means to be a man, don't let the past determine who you are, what happened to you is a tragedy certainly. And i am here at the same time trying to understand what tragedy means for the world, how the rose contains the thorn my friend. Seek to live a life that will make you proud then you will not feel unworthy or unclean, you are making love to her remember that, she wants your love, and somehow you must remember that those who rape under the guise of love where the ones who destroyed our ideas of sexuality.
Love, live, forgive.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#469205 - 08/21/14 11:18 AM Re: Making a lot of progress, still some hang ups [Re: NeverGiveUp23]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3818
You have begun the work. You are identifying the areas where the abuse negatively impacted your perception of who you are, the fears of how others will perceive you and the impact of shame--which creates a feeling that we have no value and the fear of intimacy. You may have acted out, but that is all it is acting out to cope, trying to make sense of the abuse.

PTSD hits us in different ways. It is debilitating at all levels. It leaves us with fear and how we cope will vary and what actions we undertake will also vary. I never realized PTSD and CSA went together, but for me learning this was a stepping stone in healing. It explained my periods of lost time and dissociative episodes. My way of coping. Many relive the abuse over and over, physically, emotionally or subconsciously. Getting this under control will help you live the life you deserve.

You may feel dirty during sex because the abuse left you with a wound that sex is bad. I can tell you when you feel safe, love yourself and others are not making you feel unworthy of love and respect, you will find the sex wonderful and fulfilling. A woman who gave me support allowed me to feel these feelings. I think the word allowed is important, I allowed and she allowed the feelings of intimacy, it takes two. Over time you will be comfortable with your body and realize what the abuser did to you was not sex but rather violation. You will begin to see the difference and intimacy will be found.

Keep working through the issues, CSA is a horrible act and leaves so many hidden wounds. You are definitely making progress. The hang ups will begin to fade.


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