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#46906 - 12/18/03 07:00 AM My struggle... our struggle.
josephd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 23
Loc: US
I haven't been here for a few months. I have been in a battle for my life. The past 2 months have been the worst 2 months of my life. Worse than the abuse itself. It's been the biggest challenge I've ever had to deal with.

My common law wife left me. My issues were simply too much for her to take on anymore. She decided to do what's best for her. So I lost my family, I now see my daughter a couple times a week. Men, believe me when I say, that they cannot be anything more devastating to male survivor in recovery to lose your children. I'm sure it's just as hard to healthy men, but you are treated like a criminal in some ways... simply for being a male sexual abuse victim.

I lost my job as well, I was laid of for restructing purposes. So I went on a hardcore bender. Spending about $1000 in one night on drugs and b.s. like that. A horrible horrible bender that well should have killed me.

That was a month ago. I awoke the next day, and I realized that I now had no one. I looked around in my life and I realized that I truly had no one who loved me. Not one person. And I looked in the mirror, and I have every day since, and I started saying that I love myself. I started saying that I was worth something. And I started going to the library and reading about what I was going through... and why things were the way they are.

I'm alone now. The holidays are really a hurtful time for me right now. But I feel strong. I feel so strong right now, I feel like I'm on the road to recovery. I feel like it's real this time. I feel like I do love myself, and I feel like I believe in myself. It's only been a month, but I haven't had any drugs or alcohol in my life. NONE. And I have a substance abuse meeting on Jan 5th (you have to wait a month for these things, they try to weed out the people that really want to get things together).

I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, I work out all the time now. I eat well. I read, I learn. I set goals, I complete them. It's only been a month... but a month from now, it'll be 2. And I'm not stopping, I love myself now. I am worth it... and it wasn't my fault.

I do not have one person in my life confirming that to me. But I believe it. And you know, from what I have been reading... we are special, special people.

We are special for having survived what we went through. We are gifted with strength. I FEEL FREE.

I FEEL IN CONTROL!!! I feel like it will be ok, and I'll make it that way. Happy holidays.

"We will either find a way or make one."

#46907 - 12/18/03 08:35 AM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
sojourner Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/16/03
Posts: 4
Loc: washington
You have a whole community of people that love and care for you. I'm happy for you that you are finding a way to make sense of these most recent losses. Please know that others of us ride a roller coaster that is similar to yours. Know that whether you're feeling good about yourself or you're experiencing the "Pit" that we are here for you. I love you, Peace So-J

#46908 - 12/18/03 03:10 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
Sinking Offline

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Joseph - How much is a person supposed to endure in one lifetime? I'll tell you this, you are an inspiration. We've not communicated with eachother before, but I feel happy for you that you've found this new resolve, and it's working for you! Congratulations. And I have some good news for you too....You say no one loves you. I think you've forgotten someone, your daughter loves you, unconditionally, with all her heart. And while she may not understand the specifics of what you are going through, she wants you to be well and happy and at peace. Because she needs you. You are doing the right thing for yourself so that you can be the best Dad you can be for her. Good going!! Keep it up!!! Have Happy Holidays knowing that you are on the right track and give your daughter a big 'ole hug, she needs to feel your new-found strength. Peace.

#46909 - 12/18/03 04:30 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192

I love myself now. I am worth it... and it wasn't my fault.
In my opinion, these words are the most important lessons for an SA Survivor.

Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#46910 - 12/18/03 06:19 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
Thomas Offline

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise

I can only add my agreement to the other brothers here. You have a whole community that loves you and cares about you. Your daughter loves you. Most importantly, you are beginning to love yourself. That is the ultimate triumph over what happened to us: we are able to love ourselves. Lots of cyberhugs ((((( \:D ))))).


To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

#46911 - 12/18/03 07:29 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
zoltin Offline

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois

Please be good to yourself. This is a great community and has helped me a lot. You have some great learnings there, my friend. You ARE worth it.

Have you considered AA or another 12 step program? I'm not gonna preach. Lots of people stay sober without AA or NA or whatever.


#46912 - 12/18/03 10:46 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
strongheart Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/03
Posts: 4
Loc: barrie, ontario, canada
What you just wrote at the beginning mirrored so much of what I'm going through, I thought I wrote it myself. It made me cry like a baby. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "DAMN-IT, LOVE YOURSELF!!!! STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!! NOBODY IS GOING TO LOVE YOU UNLESS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!! SO LOVE YOURSELF!!!! Then you realize if were that simple, it would have been done. Hang in there brother. I, too, struggle.

go safe, go well

#46913 - 12/19/03 01:02 AM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I often wonder where people get the strength from, how do people pick themselves up and go on ?

I don't have an answer, who does ? But I'm so glad we do carry on.
And if we can help you, befriend you and support then I know we will.

I know the holiday will be a real tough time for you, and I hope you see your daughter as often as you can.
And try to remember that benders don't last !

Thank you for such a wonderful and positive post.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#46914 - 12/19/03 10:18 PM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

You are an inspiration.

There is a quote from the poem, "Desiderata" that goes something like "you are a gift to the universe. You have every right to be here, and believe it or not, the universe is better for you being here." That's not exact, and I wish I could remember it (anyone out there who has the poem, please PM me a copy! :p ), but it's the things we need to hear. That we should here.

You are a miracle, my friend, and I love you, no strings.


Scot \:D

There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#46915 - 12/20/03 01:44 AM Re: My struggle... our struggle.
markgreyblue Offline

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
so proud of you Joseph -

you are strong

and a survivor -

we are here for you -

can i tell you something

i learned today in t
which has been
really difficult for me

to believe that anyone
ever cared -

i was put into this so young

that all i did was serve -
serve and serve

i was too young to
know myself -

and so i lost it
when it came time to take care

of myself -

though we, YOU, are strong -

- we are here for you always -

- no strings-

- i am learning that the people who
are in my life now -
are there because
i have chosen them -
and they accept me
with no abuse
... and if they
abuse , ea,
more often
than they are not so good
for me to be around -

in learning about the poison in my life -
and releasing it with fury
to a t and
men who talk to me
as me -
i am learning that
i have feelings
that mean something -
i exist - valid -

i hope this is not too random

this has been on my mind

i am so proud of you for pushing
forward -

god bless-


" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous


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