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#469138 - 08/20/14 02:50 AM Reality Check
randombreeze Offline

Registered: 02/04/14
Posts: 60
Loc: WNY
At the turn of this new year I finally committed to taking serious steps toward taking care of myself after living a lie for 42 some years. I found this website and the incredible community of fellow survivors, realizing not only was I not alone, but had a safe place to come read and discuss issues related to my own CSA. I was also able to locate and begin therapy to deal with the effects my abuse has had on my life thus far. Met and fell for a patient, loving, and understanding woman that loves me unconditionally. She's fully aware of my history of depression and sexual abuse at age 14, and supports any and all recovery efforts.

Recently attended my first WoR, and left feeling like I made great progress, even reconnecting with the confused and scared little boy of 42 years ago. Arrived home with new found coping skills and a confidence I'd never known my whole life. And yes, we were warned that the "high" we might be feeling immediately after the weekend would quite likely subside and that a setback, or letdown might likely follow.

I even felt confident enough to occasionally reply to other's posts here, hoping I might have something positive and helpful to share with you guys. And now feel a bit like a fraud. Sunday, after my girlfriend left for home, I began to sense an upcoming visit from my familiar, yet unwelcome companion called melancholy. Having dealt with depression most of my adult life, I just shrugged it off.

Yesterday morning the "crash" came hard and fast. I've never felt so shitty, so quickly without any apparent reason. Just that oppressive blackness, descending hard and without mercy. Questioning both my ability to love and be loved in return. Even more perplexing I found myself pondering if I even deserve happiness after struggling so long to finally obtain it.

I'm feeling much better today and would like to think that I've just experienced one of those backward steps. I've spent enough time reading here to know this isn't unusual, slipping backwards, but the suddenness and intensity of my feelings really caught me off guard.
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

#469147 - 08/20/14 04:57 AM Re: Reality Check [Re: randombreeze]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Randombreeze,

I get into trouble whenever I expect to see long term solutions to my abuse issues. I do get long term healing, but it is something that just occurs as part of the process, and not something that I can attach expectations to. The only way I stay out of the melancholy you are describing is to always bring myself back to the present, and use the tools I have to take the next right step. It's not easy to let go of expectations.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#469152 - 08/20/14 08:34 AM Re: Reality Check [Re: randombreeze]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4223
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
rb - one of the guys who used to post a lot described recovery as a roller-coaster. that is a very apt description. i often liken it to a pendulum - first swinging to one extreme and then to the other and opposite. The good thing to notice about each of these analogies is that - first - there is movement going on - not stagnation, and second - eventually, both reach a point of stability.

so - it's not too surprising - probly even predictable - but that doesnt make it any less miserable. just take comfort in knowing that it is typical, not final and we all have been there and understand. don't give up - this too shall pass.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#469280 - 08/23/14 02:13 AM Re: Reality Check [Re: randombreeze]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
RandomBreeze, I've attended events for 12 step where there is actually a workshop on handling a potential "crash" afterward. In a safer than usual space with some progress, that can produce elation and a sense of well-being. When things get back to the usual, there can be a sudden let down, My experience with that form of it is it usually works itself out after a couple weeks of routine, but that's usually closer to the usual place (hopefully with some sustained improvement from before) than that elevated well-being feeling.

Not sure if that's the same sort of thing you're experiencing, but it is not uncommon after safe-space multi-day events for those working through issues.


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