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#469049 - 08/17/14 07:21 AM I thought I'd cracked fatherhood - obviously not
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 391
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
This weekend I've been knocked sideways, I'd hoped that I'd learnt from the crap job my parents did but it seems not.

Rewind to when I was 11

**********TRIGGER WARNINGS**********

At the time of my abuse, home life was pretty crap, my Father had never hugged me, he'd never told me he loved me. My Mother was bringing her boyfriends home, Dad would go upstairs to bed when she did this and leave me with them both WTF, my Sister had left home because of all the shit and Mum used me emotionally - the term "covert incest" pretty much describes it. All this time the CSA was occurring outside of the home by 4 sick bastards.

Fast forward 45 years to the present time

1 failed marriage, 2 wonderful kids, re-married to a wonderful person inherited a stepdaughter and 6 amazing grandchildren. Disclosure to my wife, sister and kids and a couple of years of therapy.

I honestly thought that I'd learnt from my childhood, I've gone out of my way to always tell my kids that I love them so that they would never feel the same as I did as a kid, I've tried to make them feel secure, wanted and loved. Friday I'd had a very long day at work around 14 hours along with a 300 mile drive so I had an early night, my wife and daughter sat and talked and it appears that during the week she and a few friends had got together and were talking about their parents and how they acted and behaved and I came up a bit short (in my opinion that is, I hope not my daughters), she told my wife that she understood why but amongst other things that I didn't hug her.

I feel like a complete failure, I've not done the one thing that I wanted desperately from my Father, in this respect I've become him

#469051 - 08/17/14 08:34 AM Re: I thought I'd cracked fatherhood - obviously not [Re: tbkkfile]
lostc Offline

Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 101
I don't think you've become him at all. Like you said they know about the abuse so they know it is something that could be very hard or impossible for you, even if you'd like to do it. They understand. Its one thing if you are a totally cold, mean, unloving father but its pretty clear you are as far from that as can be. Just like if you tell someone you are nervous or find it difficult doing a specific thing then they know in future and understand if you don't do things like that or find it very hard. It seems like it just reminds you of your dad because it happened to be something he did not do, but that was out of carelessness or indifference, not because of anxiety or a difficult past as it is with you. From how you much you care about being a good father it is clear that you are a very loving and thoughtful dad. Also its something that you always wanted from your dad, but it doesn't necessarily mean that its something they value so much, especially if they know it would be tough or is impossible for you. It must be hard but try to take it easy smile

Edited by lostc (08/17/14 08:42 AM)

#469058 - 08/17/14 04:22 PM Re: I thought I'd cracked fatherhood - obviously not [Re: tbkkfile]
finallyhere Offline

Registered: 08/09/14
Posts: 80
Loc: Midwest
I agree, you have cast aside a lot for the betterment of yourself and family. My father too never hugged, showed any kind of compassion or affection. I lacked in this area as I reared my girls too but I tried too. They learned I had problems we discussed it not all the details though. I no longer hold guilt where I lacked because I know I improved. I don't think any good parent at some point goes without second guessing. You though my not have hugged but the communication sounds like it was there. My kids are now grown but I've learned it's not too late to give a hug. Not too late to move past our fears. I see my father and care for him in his last days of hospice now. I have had to care for personal needs for him now that he didn't do for me as a baby but I have had some conversation and realize his childhood shaped him. He did a little better too. We just have to forgive and move on. Important is forgiving ourselves too.

#469059 - 08/17/14 04:22 PM Re: I thought I'd cracked fatherhood - obviously not [Re: tbkkfile]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Cut yourself some slack. Seriously. The great thing about kids is that they still love you despite your shortcomings and ALL parents have shortcomings.
Now you know that your daughter would like more hugs so just make a point to hug her more often. If she is upset about how you didn't hug her in the past she will forgive you.
My Dad was not affectionate. Other girls had a "Daddy" but I have a "Father." That is how I used to put it to my friends growing up. It did hurt me bit. As my Dad aged he softened a lot a now he and I are really close. Every time I see him he gives me a big hug. I'm not mad at him for the ways he messed up with me growing up he is human. I respect and love him deeply and wouldn't trade him for any other Dad out there. I bet your daughter feels the same. I think it is very touching that you are concerned about making sure your kids know how much you love them. And to me that concern means that you are a great Dad.
Everything comes from within


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