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#468978 - 08/15/14 08:39 PM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1132
Loc: Southern US
Hi lostc,

As a result of your first post here, there've been some good insights and thoughts, and I'm glad you're considering or re-considering them in light of the abuse/not abuse question.

It's sort of an accepted thing that survivor's guilt is real, that when a friend or acquaintance loses their life and you survive, you somehow feel guilty for surviving. Well, I think the same type thinking can happen with abuse. Since someone else was forced unwillingly to submit, and I wasn't, then I must not have been abused. That's not true. Abuse is abuse. And I think to begin the path to healing and recovery a realization that "I've been sexually abused" is necessary. When a parent says "don't do that, it's not nice" there's no consideration for the traumatic effect it's had. When you engage in inappropriate behavior (even willingly) there's no consideration for the traumatic effect it's had.

For so many years I tried to brush aside things from my teens and adolescent years as just a miserable, horrible part of growing up; I thought nobody would understand or care. The same old guilt, anger, distrust, self loathing refused to go away. I'm glad I found this site. It's been helpful to see I'm not alone, and to see there is a way to healing and recovery. And I hope you find that to be true, also.
Peace, and best wishes.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.” - quoted by King George VI

#468992 - 08/16/14 03:29 AM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Lostc,

If you feel abused, you were abused. It's not about the other person's intentions, or about what others think or say. It's about the effect your life experience had on you. Don't let your life be contingent on what others think or say. Just my thoughts.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#469008 - 08/16/14 09:24 AM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline

Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 101
Bluedogone: Thank you for the response. I think I'm beginning to accept it. I've felt like I couldn't accept it was abuse, and I've always brushed it off as you say you did, but today I spoke a lot about it with a psychologist I just started seeing and her feedback helped a lot. Hearing her adamantly say both times were abuse, that I was groomed etc, seemed to shock me a bit and make me realize maybe I was wrong to disregard it as being unimportant and wrong to refuse to believe it could have abuse. I generally bottle up what I feel and it is hard and saddening to open up and talk about such personal things with another person face to face, but I feel like a little weight has been lifted that I can now truly label it as something with little doubt. I've been constantly worrying I'm just making a big thing out of nothing and should feel silly and arrogant about making a big thing out of something that impacts most people so much. But I feel now I can accept it did happen to me. Thanks.

don64: I've been really confused about what it was to be honest, as both people I loved and felt loved me and I felt since I was willing they couldn't have abused me. But I just spoke to my psychologist I just started seeing for the first time in detail about it all and something clicked and shocked me into beginning to truly accept it, when she gave feedback that she thinks it definitely was sexual abuse and say I was groomed etc. I bottle everything up generally it was hard to open up and be so open about things to another person face to face, but I feel like I can stop doubting myself. It is perfectly right what you say about not depending on other's opinions, and I have done that too much, but I felt like I had no idea about what all this was, totally blank about if it was good or bad or irrelevant, so I didn't even know what to think of it myself. Thank you that helped.

Edited by lostc (08/16/14 09:28 AM)

#469012 - 08/16/14 01:32 PM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
Mark954 Offline

Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 51
the comfusion that ur experiencing are very typical among survivors, especially when we first coming to grip with understanding the abuse,i have/ still struggle with the feeling of guilt and the worries that i might be making a big deal out of it , that others couldnt or even shoudlnt understand me , a big part of those feeling are caused by how we leanred as boys growing to tough it out ,that we'er suppose to handle those things on our own ,not go cry to therapist or express vulnerable emotions etc... learning about this actually helped me sort out alot of my comfusing i encourage you to read others survivors posts , as well educating ur self the impact of CSA that's what's happend to you ! best of luck to you in continuing ur journey toward healing
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

#469019 - 08/16/14 04:50 PM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline

Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 101
Thank you 96789594 for the input. yeah I was brought up where emotions weren't really talked about or encouraged to be talked about, which never helped. I feel like I've made a good beginning at dealing with it so I will keep reading and learning as you recommend, I appreciate it. I ignored it and forgot about it all for so long. Thanks good luck to you too.

#469299 - 08/23/14 03:48 PM Re: "Trigger Warning" Confusion about past events [Re: lostc]
lostc Offline

Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 101
Since I mentioned the stuff to the psychologist that's pretty much all we've been talking about. It seems like she thinks it had a much bigger effect than I thought, and that I've been hugely minimizing it's importance and possible impact. I still struggle with what to make of it, but I guess it can only be good to keep talking about it. I didn't even notice but she pointed out how tensed up my body and shoulders was, and how I was breathing abnormally when we talk. I often do that in any case, but I realized I've been doing it a lot more in the sessions. I've been feeling really bad generally all the time, and talking about everything makes me realize again how alone I always have been. I guess its good in the sense that I can remind myself to cut myself some slack. With both times I find it hard to mix the two things of someone who loved and cared for me with someone who could have abused me.

Edited by lostc (08/23/14 09:54 PM)

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