I've done a lot of CBT stuff in therapy and while I was in hospital a few years back. It's a thing that makes good sense in theory but I never seemed to be able to put it into practice. But for once I was actually able to think a situation through using some of the skills I'd learned.

Last week I was at summer school and I just didn't seem to connect with my tutor. He was difficult to talk to and he ran the class differently to previous classes I'd been to. Also, I really struggled with the work (tho I'd signed up knowing it was an area I was weak in because I wanted to work on it). My paranoid brain decided to translate this situation into: my tutor thinks I'm terrible at art and he doesn't want to waste any of his time on me.

When I was travelling home I thought about it and decided that it was probably a negative automatic thought they talk about in CBT. So then I started running through some of the stuff I learned - like what evidence is there to support this thought? Is there another explanation for this? What's the worst thing that could happen if this was actually true?? So then I figured no, there isn't really any REAL evidence for it. Maybe he's just not a very good teacher? And also at no point did I specifically ask him for help. But being me, I still thought that my original thought was a possibility, so I told myself, fine, I accept that I feel that way, but my feelings on this are probably wrong. I felt a lot better about it after that.

The whole week was filled with negatives. Like the commute, the early mornings and my lack of sleep. In previous classes everyone had stuck together at breaks and lunch, but this time they all went off separately so I ate lunch alone. I hate talking to people and being social, but I prefer it to looking like a complete loner. I was just extremely self-conscious about everything, and very frustrated with my work. I could have left hating it and promising myself I'd never do it again, but I decided to focus on the positives, that I like working in the studio and seeing other peoples work, that I learned some new techniques and I have tons of ideas I can take forward. So now it feels like a good experience. I'm not sure if I scammed my brain on this. Brains are definitely weird and complicated.

I just wanted to post this because I was pleased with myself. Still!! Even though it's 5 days later! And also to say that weird therapy stuff does seem to help if you work at it. Hopefully it's something that will become easier and more automatic as time goes on. I always felt like it was some kind of scam and that I was unfixable, but I'm wrong. I would recommend CBT if you haven't tried it before.