For months now Iíve been in this profound state of sadness, it de-evolved from this need for total oblivion a need to die, then you realize that youíre playing tricks on yourself, your mind refuses to move, I intellectually understand, but my former self the one little c created to survive to make sense of what happened , to put a world view together in which I was ok, in which there were no unanswered questions, I was my own guiding light for soo long itís so very hard to accept the truth that others speak; itís the fear of the unknown vs. the known. I had to make a decision not only to stay but to embrace the challenge, to see in my own mind and know that the enemy is me and there is no way to escape from myself, that I have little choice but to meet head-on myself and all my failings. It puts into true perspective my life and my place in it, including little c. I only recently revisited what happened and tried to look at it as objectively as possible, I had to free myself of the attachments of others and there attempt to infect me with their lies and deceit. I ask myself this question over and over again; what would I do if I found out my father was doing my son? I ask not to let him off the hook but itís the only bit I humanity I can give my father posthumously. Its the only bit of humanity I can fathom in my own mind, itís not about me forgiving him, but me forgiving myself for the thoughts and feelings the hate, the loathing all created by me for me to understand why it happened; if only a truly horrible monster can do these kinds of things to kids then I must have deserved it, I must be worse than him, itís all my fault right. See I realize all I ever wanted from my dad was some acknowledgement, some sign that it was ok, I was ok, it wasnít me, see he could never acknowledge it, I will always wonder what he suffered from that bastard of a father of his.
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"