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#467397 - 07/08/14 08:44 PM New Member - Confused and unsure
jpf Offline

Registered: 07/02/14
Posts: 4
It has been one week, since I revealed to friends and family that I was abused 35 years ago. Over the years I barely thought about it, and it was only this month that things started to change. I quit smoking after 30 years and it seems like all these feelings came out.

Since then, I have cried many days, I have anxiety, I am told by therapist as a result of this and unsure what path my recovery will take . Have been reading other stories on MS and feel confident that this is all possible. A bit concerned as all of this has affected my concentration and ability at work and it seems like the first few days , all I could think about was the secret and how I held it in for 35 years.

I know I am not alone and I know there is always hope. Soon hopefully the sadness will decrease and the confusion of all this will get better.
Thanks for letting me share

#467398 - 07/08/14 08:50 PM Re: New Member - Confused and unsure [Re: jpf]
NoSimpleMachine Offline

Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
Hi jpf, welcome to MS. I hope you'll find a lot of common ground here that shows you that the anxiety, the tears, and maybe feeling a little out of sorts or out of control at all part of a positive recovery. I'm glad you're taking the steps to face what happened to you so long ago. It's never too late to heal and grow smile

While I didn't know that I was abused because it happened to young, I can relate to that long gap between when the abuse happened and when you finally deal with seems like most CSA survivors here can from what I've's weird and disruptive feeling to take a life that you were making work and upend it. The thing to remember is that it's a disruption in how you live in the short and medium term, but the goal is more peace in life in the long term. And as you take steps on your journey of recovery, you will get more and more tastes of that peace along the way.

Thank you for sharing and welcome once again smile
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

#467399 - 07/08/14 09:12 PM Re: New Member - Confused and unsure [Re: jpf]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2746
Well, jpf, I am sorry you have to be here, but it is a very positive step. I've been at this for a little while now, and I have discovered a few truths that work for me. These are only my truths. But I will share them in case you may find them helpful at the trailhead:

1) My most controversial point - and I know many will disagree with me on this one as they often have - is that I do not believe in recovery. Maybe I'm getting embroiled in semantics, but "recovery" quite literally means returning to a previous state, and that is nothing I can or should expect. I prefer to think instead of "healing." If your arm is bitten off by a shark, you'll never recover it nor will you recover your previous 2-armed lifestyle. But you can heal and move on. The distinction to me is important, because we have been amputated from who we would have otherwise been, and never get "all better." But - we can be better than just all better! I have found that defining the problem with precision was absolutely critical for me.

2) I have come to see my work as a great adventure. If my journey has shown me anything, it is the complexity and beauty of my own life. I never really looked at it before therapy. In fact, I think the shame kept me from looking back much at all. When I think of my many friends go to Paris or Rome or China or Tokyo or Africa - I am convinced that some have never really traveled within themselves. They can understand the best roads to get anywhere, yet have not a clue how to travel to their own hearts. But it's an amazing adventure - and it's not all bad stuff either. I am more whole and possess greater depth and gravity because of the journey - I have gained a better sense of who I am in this world. I feel more at ease looking at the man who stares back at me from the mirror. I know him so much better and find greater comfort living in my own skin. I'm not saying it's an easy or fun journey. It's often grueling and painful and I've shed my share of tears. Many times I didn't want to take that first step. But I've never regretted it when I have.

3) I would not trade my problems for anyone else's. I believe I am meant to play the cards I have been dealt, and that I dishonor myself by not squaring up to them. There is a reason we walk these paths - at least that is what I have come to believe. In my case, I saved at least one other potential victim from this guy. I tried to save my sister from him, too - and in so doing planted the seeds of a soul mate. The journey has taught me that my abuse was not just about me - and I suspect that is true for a good many here. Our's is a disgusting path of humiliated heroes. We didn't ask for it. But the idea that God - or fate - gives us what we can handle despite our doubts has helped me. For whatever reason, fate chose us. And we define our better selves by stepping up and facing our challenges. Wishing otherwise just sets us walking off in the wrong direction.

4) The best path to healing is working through the pain. In medicine, inflammation is painful but has all the healing factors needed to close a wound. Things get red and nasty before they calm down and get better The way home for many overseas soldiers has been through some very incendiary venues. But like them, we are only responsible for having the courage to take that first step - nothing more. We only need to just suck it up, step in the arena, and trust the rest to a higher (or yet unseen inner) power. It will be there.

5) Information evaporates fear. We are fearful of that which we do not understand. The antidote to fear is knowledge. Going back into the past (under the guidance of a good therapist) has helped me understand the destructive trajectories in my life better. I was able to build positive change on that knowledge.

Lean on us. We are here for you.

#467400 - 07/08/14 09:19 PM Re: New Member - Confused and unsure [Re: jpf]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas
Welcome to MS.
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#467403 - 07/08/14 11:34 PM Re: New Member - Confused and unsure [Re: jpf]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi Jpf,

When I began to open up my interior around 45, I began telling myself "I don't know what I don't know." While this is obvious, it never occurred to me before, and I needed to tell myself that for several years, and still frequently do. For some reason, I had been taught I was supposed to KNOW what to do in advance. That has never been true for me, and in fact severely limits the beneficial powers of creation, in my experience. Forcing an outcome is fear based and only insured old outcomes, which obviously didn't work for me.

So, at 65, I do my best to find timeless wisdom, which can generalize to any situation, as my way finders. Though my journey has been traumatic and grueling, I wouldn't trade it if I could. My experience is that all the pain and trauma also create the opportunities for deeper understanding, wisdom and love on the other end. I like who I am becoming.

There are a LOT of neat guys here with a lot of experience. Welcome to MS. Use us. I have received a lot of support and enjoy giving support.

Sending you love and good will,


Edited by don64 (07/08/14 11:35 PM)
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards


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