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#466769 - 06/19/14 05:00 AM the camping trip and a new therapist
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
So the camping trip with H went really well. He was being himself the whole time. He was nice and helpful no anger of jabbing. It was so fun. Since we have returned home he has become distant and cold again. Its the old familar cycle of pulling in and then opps too close better create some distance. I've justlet it ride the last couple days even though I'm frustrated that he still doesn't have an appointment with a therapist.
I had my first appointment with mine yesterday. I really liked him from the get go and he has that laid back granola vibe that I resonate with. I'm really excited to have somewhere to unload each week. I'm hoping that he can help me release all the hurt from the last 7 years and figure out how to move forward. I get so frustrated with H and don't want to fall into bad patterns with him anymore. I need things to move forward.
Everything comes from within

#466788 - 06/19/14 04:28 PM Re: the camping trip and a new therapist [Re: HD001]
trytry Offline

Registered: 02/14/13
Posts: 52
Loc: Wisconsin
It's not easy (on both sides of the relationship) when you have those moments where it feels like everything is good, or at least "normal", and then it ends as suddenly as it began. I hope those moments become more common with time. Good luck.

#466792 - 06/19/14 05:54 PM Re: the camping trip and a new therapist [Re: HD001]
NoSimpleMachine Offline

Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
Hi HD. I felt a connection to this post so wanted to reply. I'm a male survivor and just went camping this last weekend with a friend of mine (we're both gay). This is someone I've gotten close with as a friend in the last couple years, enjoyed going on camping trips with and going go-karting and eating out and staying in and you name it. We're both pretty introverted people living amongst a lot of extroverts who throw big events and we share an energy level, I guess you could say. I decided early on to not get sexual with this person or put myself in a position where I was committing to a relationship I couldn't handle. That was a decision I made that respected my boundaries and where I'm at in life.

Being an abuse survivor, to me, means having 90% of life under control and 10% that's just trouble waiting to happen. As I work through my recovery, chipping that 10% to 9% to 8% and on and on is my goal. It takes time. Can't force through recovery when you're not ready. A lot of it is just making it through life and letting the brain churn through things in the background, seeing and feeling what comes up when it's ready to show me something. And in the meantime, avoiding those problem areas as you go along in life is how you cope. It's a slow way to make progress, but it seems to be about the only way to make progress.

What I'm saying, I guess, is to give patience to this person. Just because you're ready to tell them to seek therapy, and ready to seek it yourself, doesn't mean they're ready. A nudge in that direction and some support and positivity around the notion may help him get ready but that's all you can really offer. He may be ready in two days. He may be ready in two years. That's the reality of loving anyone, they're not going to be exactly who you want them to be, particularly not on your schedule. Also, just because he finds a therapist doesn't mean that he's done...he needs to develop a relationship with that therapist. Likely to discover that he isn't happy with that therapist and find another. Best case scenario that's a few months right there.

Frustration is the gap between expectation and reality. I know that I want to live a less frustrated life. For a long time I tried to make reality be more like my expectations, with little success. Now I see that bringing my expectations in line with reality is a cornerstone of peace in life. Hope this helps.

Edited by NoSimpleMachine (06/19/14 05:57 PM)
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

#466808 - 06/20/14 01:22 AM Re: the camping trip and a new therapist [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
No Simple Machine - I don't want to hijack HD's important post, but I have to say that the following was very powerful:

"Being an abuse survivor, to me, means having 90% of life under control and 10% that's just trouble waiting to happen. As I work through my recovery, chipping that 10% to 9% to 8% and on and on is my goal."

I could feel my husband in your words.

But I also want to say that, as a supporter/spouse/partner, we can't make someone start the road to recovery, but we can say that we don't want to be with someone who is not in recovery. You have yours down to 10% and bravo. But living with someone who is at 75% or 50% is very very difficult.

#466813 - 06/20/14 03:14 AM Re: the camping trip and a new therapist [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Thank you both for your compassionate replies. I think you both make valid points. Finding that sweet spot where I'm being pateint and compassionate but also making sure that I'm keeping myself healthy and drawing my lines is the most confusing part in all of this.
Things like not allowing H to be violent or unfaithful are a no brainer for me and we haven't struggled with that thank god. Its the little stuff that gets me worked up. The fibs he tells his lack of direct communicatiom and the passive agression he sometimes displays. So I put a boundry there and put a boundry on any other bully behavior. But then what to do when I know he is bending the truth of when we are in a room full of people and he takes a jab at me.
For a long time I would just walk away or tell him I know he is lying. Well I'm not feeling so nice anymore. Then zen has run out in me and this probably sounds mean but I think it may be for the best.
I've been taking more of a "knock it off" or "what the hell do you think you're doing you're way out of line" approach. This is what feels better for me to do right now. I've simply had enough.
However the times he drops his walls and is being a resonable guy I have no issue being kind and understanding.
I was given the advice years ago to just watch for progress. And every year I look back and can see that slowly H is getting better and we are getting better and I am growing as well. As long as there is progress there is hope even if it happens in tiny steps.
This last weekend was a good reminder of what I love about us. I love that H is my wilderness adventure buddy and how we work side by side knowing who will handle what task. How he can still make me laugh and does things like chop wood in front of me so I will tell him how strong and manly he is. We still have that connection we had in the beginning and this weekend I could see how much he longs to be close.
What's becoming clear to me right now is that this phase is about me rediscovering my strength. I've allowed myself to be tossed about by all of this for far too long. Its time to find my footing again.
Everything comes from within


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