Hi HD. I felt a connection to this post so wanted to reply. I'm a male survivor and just went camping this last weekend with a friend of mine (we're both gay). This is someone I've gotten close with as a friend in the last couple years, enjoyed going on camping trips with and going go-karting and eating out and staying in and you name it. We're both pretty introverted people living amongst a lot of extroverts who throw big events and we share an energy level, I guess you could say. I decided early on to not get sexual with this person or put myself in a position where I was committing to a relationship I couldn't handle. That was a decision I made that respected my boundaries and where I'm at in life.
Being an abuse survivor, to me, means having 90% of life under control and 10% that's just trouble waiting to happen. As I work through my recovery, chipping that 10% to 9% to 8% and on and on is my goal. It takes time. Can't force through recovery when you're not ready. A lot of it is just making it through life and letting the brain churn through things in the background, seeing and feeling what comes up when it's ready to show me something. And in the meantime, avoiding those problem areas as you go along in life is how you cope. It's a slow way to make progress, but it seems to be about the only way to make progress.
What I'm saying, I guess, is to give patience to this person. Just because you're ready to tell them to seek therapy, and ready to seek it yourself, doesn't mean they're ready. A nudge in that direction and some support and positivity around the notion may help him get ready but that's all you can really offer. He may be ready in two days. He may be ready in two years. That's the reality of loving anyone, they're not going to be exactly who you want them to be, particularly not on your schedule. Also, just because he finds a therapist doesn't mean that he's done...he needs to develop a relationship with that therapist. Likely to discover that he isn't happy with that therapist and find another. Best case scenario that's a few months right there.
Frustration is the gap between expectation and reality. I know that I want to live a less frustrated life. For a long time I tried to make reality be more like my expectations, with little success. Now I see that bringing my expectations in line with reality is a cornerstone of peace in life. Hope this helps.
Edited by NoSimpleMachine (06/19/14 01:57 PM)
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?