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#466660 - 06/16/14 05:17 AM Husband
Gloria Patch Offline

Registered: 06/16/14
Posts: 3
I don't know exactly what I expect to receive from this post. I have reached out on other boards. I have talked to therapists and lawyers. A few friends. My mother. The overwhelming feedback I get is an impatient, let him go, and save yourself response, in which I agree. Or a "you are a bright, beautiful, etc.. etc..." as if I am suffering low self-esteem... If a man tries to help his wife, he's a hero. If a woman tries to help her husband, she obviously thinks she can't do any better, or hates being single, or is trying to "fix" him.

I married my husband. We were both drinkers. He had problems. But so did I, apparently... We were both at a bottom... I realize now, that it wasn't a bottom for him. It was his medium. But this is why I couldn't see his potentially severe problems. It wasn't until we both gave up drinking, I got pregnant, and he relapsed around the baby's birth that I truly began "seeing".

When the baby was 5 weeks, I texted his mother and said he relapsed. I said he needed therapy. She started cursing me out with vulgar names for 3 days. Then, he started cursing me out. And then, she called child services on false child abuse claims. Wow.

Then, he just was abusive, from then on, using every verbal abuse trick from wikipedia. It is strange. We were best friends.

There were a peaceful week or two for the first five months of my son's life. But my hisband kept drinking, so I kicked him out. I filed divorce. Out of nowhere, my best friend flipped into my worst nightmare. The end.

Maybe I want to find closure. But I am bothered by the mother.

This is what I know:
I put a stroller on a baby registry solely for my father to know which one to buy. She called my husband and was upset. He literally cried to me, begging to put her name on the registry.
In the beginning, he told me he wasn't close to her at all. But, it turns out, they are extremely close and he's very loyal to her.
Twice, he told me that he lost his innocence young. But later denies it meant being abused.
His mother was in foster care for 2 yrs when she was young. Her older sister called on the parents.
The mother had an affair with her sister's husband. My husband was the product of that union.
The only gift I have ever seen her send my husband was boxers.
He doesn't like to be seen nude, below the waist.
He has chest pains.
He is an alcoholic.
He always thinks I am cheating.
He keeps running to my mom when we fight, despite her never really welcoming conversation with him.
He told my mother inappropriate sexual things about me... details. Very inappropriate to mention to anyone... let alone a mother.
When we separated, he kept asking if I brought over men. We live in a studio. There is a baby. That's creepy.
When we were together. He came home from work and looked under the bed... Still, imagining a man is hiding under bed while a baby is in the crib.
Only one sexual position, and it's in a dominant stance.
In the beginning, he had a hard time achieving o.
The mother called me a "c---". Very vulgar, and masculine for a woman of that age.

... Maybe there's more details... I can't remember right now. I felt he could've been sexually abused. I thought it could've been a boyfriend of the mother... Or something. I never met the mother. But after the interaction with her, I feel it is her. I feel strongly she is not just psychologically or emotionally abusive, which. Is obvious. I feel she is the perpetrator. She has no sexual boundaries. She has a brother, who lives alone and never been married. They are very close. I feel that she has relationship with brother and son. Uncle to nephew. A strong incestual triangle where she's the leader.

I sm scared for my son. Whatever is going on, my husband will rather allow the abuse than betray his family or be a victim. They're from Western KY. There's a strong clan like bond. He said he'll give me a hard time with custody. That creepy woman who has to always be sexy... I just don't like this situation I am in.

I don't even think I can truly ever forgive my husband to take him back... And that's a painful reality, because I loved him very much. And he finally broke that love. But is there a way to wake him up?

#466676 - 06/16/14 03:37 PM Re: Husband [Re: Gloria Patch]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
He told my mother inappropriate sexual things about me... details. Very inappropriate to mention to anyone... let alone a mother.

I had the same thing happen but it was not told to the same person. Can anyone elaborate on this? I thought it was just my H.

Hanging in there to long can certainly lead you to dead ends Gloria. I think that is what people are trying to tell you. Not knowing the situation personally i don't comment about those things much but (as someone else said in a thread) love and compassion have limits. There is nothing wrong with limits.

#466684 - 06/16/14 06:57 PM Re: Husband [Re: Gloria Patch]
frankie72 Offline

Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 37
Loc: Australia
Hi Gloria,

I'm a CSA survivor myself, and see a few of my issues in your husband. Some of his mannerisms relate to Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD).

One of the main conditions is anxiety or fear of rejection or abandonment, which is fuelled by an inability to trust. There is other things you have mentioned that are separate from this condition, but he does need help.

I'm not saying that the condition is an excuse, but sometimes it is an unconscious reaction to situations. Even being diagnosed with the condition, it still doesn't stop me from acting out. It's generally only after the event I realise what I have said or done, and it makes me ashamed and fall deeper into the problem.

As for his family, I personally think you should distance yourself as much as you can. You have to think about your happiness and safety along with your child's. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but do you trust the family to be a part of your child's life?

As for making your husband wake up to what he is doing, there is no real way unless he admits it to himself. If he is suffering BPD, he'll likely avoid any discussion rather than facing it. I really doubt there is a way to force him into realising there is a problem.

I have actually been diagnosed with BPD myself. I'm trying to sort it out now, and I know how caustic I am to those around me, especially those I am close to. I end up doing more harm than good, and have left several people in your situation - breaking the person until they can't stand being around me anymore. It took me a long time to realise the problem was me, and unfortunately it was too late to salvage what I had ruined.

I admire that you are still willing to try and help him, even with the amount of duress he has placed on your relationship. But as I said before, you need to put yourself and your child first.

#466694 - 06/17/14 01:23 AM Re: Husband [Re: Gloria Patch]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Gloria - through many years of pain, I ignored what my intuition told me - and then I woke up and I learned to trust ME. And guess what, my intuition was right. Your intuition is probably right. You don't need any confirmation past that. Trust yourself. Trust yourself to care for you and to care for your baby.

#466738 - 06/18/14 05:09 AM Re: Husband [Re: Gloria Patch]
Gloria Patch Offline

Registered: 06/16/14
Posts: 3
Thanks for the replies everyone. Frankie, yea, I'm dead sure he has borderline personality disorder. My mother had paranoid delusional disorder when I was 15. Before then, she was very intelligent, compassionate, and extremely empathetic. Afterwards, loss of empathy, was what I noticed. But, she recovered and relapses back into it, ever so often. So, borderline is very revenge oriented and marriage is different than mother/daughter. But I have a soft spot for mental illness. Also, I know that the mentally ill do not recognize their illness. If they did, they wouldn't be ill. Catch-22 I went through this with my mother 15 yrs ago. 5 stages of loss, over and over again. You never feel acceptance, because the person is still alive. I feel haunted. And borderline is especially damning for me, because they put up a hell of a custody with false accusations, etc... The positive is my husband has mild borderline symptoms. They are only severe when he drinks. He is an alcoholic. He can't stop drinking. He can't accept alcoholism, bc he is borderline and can't live with the shame. He can't accept borderline, because he is too drunk to come down from the fights and feel what he did. The second he feels shame, he'll drink. Then, he's angry. Catch-22 squared.

Sugarbaby, it was early in the marriage. She has a way of blocking out things she doesn't want to hear. But he tried to tell her explicit details. During a fight, he had went over to her house. She said that he was crying, screaming. At one point, he asked her, "Men shouldn't act like this, should they?" Even now, he texts my mom asking if he can see the baby. He is obssessed with communicating with her, especially when we break up. He is not interested in her in an inappropriate way. He wants a mother.

I filed divorce after they called child services. I had him served a few months ago. I live in California. The courts are very father friendly here. But I don't let him see the baby. He keeps asking, but I don't think he cares to see the baby. My overall feeling is that he is not in control of himself. He wants to use the baby as a pawn to move back in, and if that doesn't happen, he'll use the baby to hurt me. A few weeks ago, when I was at work, he stopped by my place, saw my mom feeding the baby. He called my mom a "bitch" and walked away without looking at the son he hasn't seen in months. She told me, not even a glance.

So, Esposa, I agree. My intuition tells me, STRONGLY, that my son and I are in danger. I just lay low, watch my back, and PRAY. I can't leave the state, bc of kidnapping laws. A therapist, we both saw together, told me later to leave the state.

Edited by Gloria Patch (06/18/14 05:13 AM)

#466739 - 06/18/14 05:25 AM Re: Husband [Re: Gloria Patch]
Gloria Patch Offline

Registered: 06/16/14
Posts: 3
Also, I think he is a CSA survivor. I don't know who the predator is. I fear if it is the mother or uncle, because my son is not safe. California. He could get access to my son... He will give my son to his family when he has him. Why I am so at loss... I don't quite understand if this man has boundaries.

I think it isn't just compassion. It is grieving the death of someone you loved like family. One therapist brought the idea that he might have borderline and antisocial personality. I do not think so. He has shown me compassion. He had improved my life. And that guy is basically dead. And his evil ghost is haunting me.

And. There are no answers. I'm young enough. I can move on. Something just doesn't feel fair... That I can't grasp how an essense of a soul can vanish.

It happened to my mother. Some years, she's alright. Some years, she's an angry, unbearable ghost of herself.



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