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... As far as frightening goes, I have never been one to shy away from scary stories, scary movies or the like. I always thought myself to be the more confident type - it all changed about a month ago.
I was leaving a friend's house in the late morning hours when I was I was jumped by one mask wearing white-skinned male; I thought my worst fears had been realized when I felt the cold barrel of the gun pressed against the back of my head. Little did I know they had "grander" plans for me. Another person walked by me in a mask; I was initially subject to a beating and when I tried to challenge them, by resisting, pleading, questioning why, I was met with a damp chemical laced cloth, effectively rendering me unconscious. I had seen two, heard at least three voices - in retrospect nothing was clear.
I woke up the next morning in my own car, left puzzling as to the events of the previous night. All I had on was a ripped undershirt and bloody boxers on the floor of the car. They had left me to rot and possibly die. My reactions were startling on their own -- I wondered how I could be the victim of a sexual assault. The fear of the unknown was a cold, wet, trail of sweat running down my back; I could not piece together anything. I'm grateful for a second chance at being able to breathe through my lungs but I question why with the emotional scarring contrasted with the life I am supposed to live out.
I thought how could I let myself be such a victim? Was I myself the cause of such a plight; a 24 year old mannered suburban boy - what could they have wanted with me? Was it premeditated, was it not, what was their purpose, what did they do to me, how many of them were there?
Leaving out a lot of the gory details about the initial assault; my response to life now has become alarmingly scary. In the past month, I have morphed from a social butterfly into a recluse, I feel humiliated, shamed, and worthless. What am I to do besides mire in my own loathing?
Trusting people has been a sore-wound for me; I don't feel comfortable in having people question my sexuality, or why I couldn't have prevented an attack/protected myself, or how I could have been so foolish.
They say time heals, but from my current outlook, life really is a trade-off.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Moderator's Note: While such a request for advice cannot be accommodated directly in this thread, a private message (PM) can be sent by clicking on the posters name.
Edited by ModTeam (06/17/14 02:49 PM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added, moderator note at end of post added