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#465014 - 05/06/14 01:51 PM Can't have casual sex
Ankh_BR Offline

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Rio Grande do Sul
Hello All,

I just can't have casual sex. Whenever I have sex, I have to "fantasize" that the girl is going to be in a romantic relationship with me or I just can't have an erection. Whenever I am alone, and I dream about being with a girl, I can have full erections and also when I am sleeping. I can be pretty nasty in my fantasies and I like it, I feel its being "me". But at the right moment...
- feel its not safe (diseases)
- feel I am not desirable (although I know for certain that I have a pretty nice body and personality as a man)
- feel I want to do it but I shouldn't do it.

I tried viagra with different dosages but to no avail. I was seriously considering injections just prior to the act, because I really really don't want to expose my feelings or anything, I just want to enjoy casual sex like the rest of the world population. I feel I cannot be honest and sincere in a relationship if I can't have casual sex. Why? Because I know for certain that the desire to be in a relationship will be tainted by the "fear" of not having sex with a given girl if I am not in a relationship with her - it feels that I always have a "second agenda" when in a relationship and I can hurt the other person because I am not really in a relationship for the relationship's sake, but to have sex. The other person doesn't deserves that; and that's why I AM GOING to fix this (my inability to have casual sex) no matter what.
ps: I am also having trouble finding a experienced therapist in Brazil, if anyone knows one I would gladly contact him.

I live in Brazil and was abused at the age of 8 by a worker close to my family, that had full access to me. The abuse wasn't violent, but I was completely innocent regarding it, and only during my teenage years I fully realized what happened to me. This has caused, as you all are well aware due to your own experience, morbid shame. Add to that a domineering and psychological aggressive father and a emotionally absent mother.
It wasn't till my late 30's that I stopped being the so called 'nice guy', with a morbid shame and now I am fully recovered: respected in work and elsewhere and disclosed my "true" identity partially resembling my own dad (strong personality, but without being intolerant of other people's ideas) but manly my own self. Totally transformed my body (was rather fat) into a bodybuilding, and I love exercising now.
But there is this "last" step I just can't seem to change, although I am determined to as I explained above.

Edited by Ankh_BR (05/06/14 01:52 PM)

#465061 - 05/08/14 12:41 AM Re: Can't have casual sex [Re: Ankh_BR]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Not all of the rest of the world enjoys casual sex.

It may be you have an internal value place on the meaning of sex.

I think it may make sex that much more awesome within that great relationship you will find.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#465132 - 05/09/14 04:04 AM Re: Can't have casual sex [Re: Ankh_BR]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 691
Loc: where the shadows lie
Its up to you to decide what you want, but there is no reason to try to force yourself to do something you don't want to do. Stressing yourself out about it is only going to make things harder. There are plenty of women who are perfectly fine with a guy taking things slow. Many who prefer that actually.
I am a veteran of the soul wars.

#465318 - 05/14/14 05:02 AM Re: Can't have casual sex [Re: Ankh_BR]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
I think Onthefringe and JacobS are right on the money.

Women will find it a turn on that you attach sexual intimacy to an intimate relationship. The right woman for you will find this a home run! You'll be treasured by her.

Relax and don't judge yourself by the lower standards of others.

#466503 - 06/12/14 12:23 AM Re: Can't have casual sex [Re: Ankh_BR]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Like others are saying, not having casual sex shouldn't be seen as a problem. If I misread you and you'd LIKE to be having casual sex, but just don't seem capable, I think maybe in addition to what you stated it may have something to do with security as well. Of course, that is only coming from my own perspective - I have to feel extremely comfortable with a girlfriend or woman I met out if I'm actually going to have sex and be able to enjoy it. That's not something that's easy to come by.

I have never been to Brazil, but I know that at least in the US (especially for people my age and younger, I'm 27) we're a very sexualized society, and people place a high value on how much sex they're having. For me, I learned the worst thing I can do is compare myself to other people. I am how I am, in this particular moment in time. This is just a roundabout way of me saying what everybody else has said so far - don't worry! Do what you enjoy and what you are comfortable with - at the end of the day, nobody can make your decisions for you anymore. Be well!


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