For the past few month I have wondered what NEXT. Every group I attend, I am either ignored or looked on as a mentor.
As many of you know I lost my therapist (and friend) a few months ago to a sudden heart attack. I have been trying to find another. The last candidate took a cookie cutter approach, wanted to medicate me. I am not having major issues, a I have had a few flash backs and nightmares, AFTER being triggered. That being said, after 20 years of therapy, this was nothing I cannot handle. Other T candidates look at me as a subject for their dissertation. My wife looked at me and asked the pointed question, "are you sure you "NEED" a T at this point?" I am not sure what benefit I am getting out of therapy at this point.
I have always believed we are the sum total of our life experiences. That even the CRAPPY bits add to the fabric of our lives. I have wondered if something good can come out of my childhood. I went to a few adult group sessions of male & female sex abuse survivors at a local church. I was so disheartened. I was one of two male child rape "victims" (I hate that word). My counterpart was 24, and was about as disappointed as I was. I felt like the women did not trust us, kept looking at us as if we were voyeurs. On the upside I was able to have coffee with him and told him about Male Survivor, my time in therapy the funny differences in disciplines my various T's used (Freudian vs Jungian vs "post-Jungian" vs self psychology vs Lacanian vs Object relations). He laughed. Talking to him was like I was looking into a mirror through the years. I remember all the fear and rage I was carrying around when I was his age. He is a UF student, I encouraged him to make use of the psych-department. I shared with him my story and how I felt it was better that I started my healing journey when I did instead of waiting. I told him that I heard UF has excellent resources for CSA survivors. It is hard to think of myself as a mentor but, I guess someone has to be. I gave him my numbers in case he just needed to talk.
On the upside I also made a contact with a member of our county's human trafficking task force on my last trip to group. Afterwards we talked for hours about my time of "forced servitude" in the sex trades and child porn. He was wondering if I would be willing to share my story, via speaking engagements. CAN YOU SAY ISSUES! Still I think I might. If my momentary "discomfort" can help protect a child, it is worth it.
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis