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#466104 - 06/02/14 02:40 AM My introduction.
apoklnow Offline

Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 6
Loc: Se
Like many of you, this is one of the most difficult things to discuss. I am trying to be a survivor of abuse and sexual abuse. I am in my mid-40's and this the first I have ever dealt with this demon. I know everyone has a complicated story. Complications are never fun or welcome. I know it easy to look at the stories of our lives and claim, someone is out to get us or that there is an enemy attacking at us. It feeds into my guilt and makes me really doubt myself.

In the last two years, I had to recover my 3 children from my ex-wife because there was physical abuse going on in the household. It went on for over a year and a half,and my children were told to be silent and to never tell me or that I would take them away. Eventually the police intervened, arrested my ex-wife's husband. She took him back in the same weekend and is still with him today. A week after I took them out of the house, my daughter told me that the same man touched her inappropriately and viewed her showering. Obviously, no father ever wants to hear this. This incident brought out the worse in my emotions. Eventually I won custody of my children, they are with us and doing well. I however, fall into an unbelievable roller coaster ride of depression and guilt. I had a suspicion and knowledge of things before, but not to the degree I thought they existed.

I was going to counseling for the fallout and other issues. I knew I had a step grandfather who was a particular mean drunk. I was left in his care quite a bit. I remember loving this man. I also remember him pinning a note and money on my shirt to go and get him alcohol at a local billiard hall. I was 5 and made the mile walk and successfully got him alcohol quite a bit. I was talking about this with a cousin of mine recently and she told me her mother said she had to rescue me one time at a swimming hole. He held me under, would not let out and became limp under water. I do remember that same incident in a way. He eventually egged on another boy to throw sand in my face. He was laughing, others were laughing. Supposedly he was laughing at my near drowning. This made me very negative, because I couldn't get over it. I became very confused and angry. I wanted to go and kick over his gravestone.

I eventually went to hypnotherapy. I never believed in it, but I knew there was more. I had some recollection, but not enough to prove to me that what I was feeling was valid.

I remember there was a black work shed on his property. I know I went in there with him and when I think of the rest, I become nauseous, I am right now as I think of this. And that's all i can go into. What made matters worse is that my cousin says she feels the same things have happened to her as well.

I have never been so scared or alone in my life. My emotions are in constant change. I go from anger, to irrational, to constant crying. It is putting on a damper on my relationship. I am not giving it my all as a parent or employee. I am starting to really hate myself and have some negative dark thoughts.

Let me preface this by saying, I am trying to get to being a survivor. I am nowhere near that. I am in constant grieving. I just can't believe the connection of trying to allow my child to heal from trauma and now I have to go through it as well, although I can say, my situation feels worse than hers.

I am exhausted. It makes it worse because try telling your parents at this age that the man you left me in care with took advantage of me. My father has been supportive, My mother is in denial. It is compounded when you have childhood abandonment issues on top of it.

I just want one good day. One day without tears and anger. I have been going to therapy consistently. I am afraid I need more. I am thinking of hospitalization for PTSD. I am very lost with this and need to go above and beyond in order to heal.

I am glad you go to read my story. I will utilize this resource and hope to become a survivor sooner rather than later.

#466107 - 06/02/14 08:33 AM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
hey bud
it is true that we all are striving to be survivors. and the fact is you ARE a survivor by nature of the fact that you have chosen to take control of your situation and make it better. we can not change what has been, we can only take care of that little boy that was and try to become the best person we can now. I hope that you are healing well just take it at your own pace man to try to fight against yourself is futile... how could you ever know when you win? I know that you will do well as you seem determined, just hang out here learn,chat and find a good safe place to understand and that one good day just might come around
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#466117 - 06/02/14 08:42 PM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]
Nothing Man Offline

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1115
Loc: Ohio

Like you I am a survivor of familial (and other) sexual abuse -- in my case, my mother (among others). And I am relatively new to the recovery process but I know a few things, and one is that by speaking your truth and standing up for your daughters you are not only a survivor but a good and strong person. I have been working at this less than a year now but I know that the process takes time. Please know that you are in a community where you are valued and understood. You are not alone as you walk down this trail: We, your brothers, stride alongside you.

I wish you peace.
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

#466119 - 06/02/14 09:06 PM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3851

You are here fighting to regain control of your life. That makes you a survivor. We all strive to thrive. It is part of who we are and who we become as we face the past and not it control us.

You have taken steps to uncover the past, in time you will see what truly happened to you. I am sorry you are facing this now. I hope your children who you fought to protect are there with you and giving you strength.

Take care of yourself. We are all here to heal and help others move forward with their lives.


#466143 - 06/03/14 10:11 AM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: apoklnow
I just want one good day. One day without tears and anger. I have been going to therapy consistently. I am afraid I need more.
Welcome to MS apoklow,

Thank you for posting your story. That took courage, and will, no doubt, be a milestone in your recovery. The good days will come, still mingled with some bad ones, but it does get better. In the meantime you've got about 12,000 guys on MS watching your back. Keep reaching out, we'll be here for you.

Be well,

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#466160 - 06/03/14 10:10 PM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]
sorryson Offline

Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 592
I know what you mean, tears and anger everywhere. I am looking for an answer to what and why everything happened to me. I have not been addicted drugs or alcohol but I am numb. I have two beautiful children and a wife many would die to have at their side. But I cannot feel happiness only pain. I do have some good moments after I cry I find I can laugh.

My story is complicated, loss of a father I falsely disowned years ago to keep Mama happy, a breakdown and facing my own abuse by a teacher in school when I was young, learning my father had been sexually abused as a child and only at his funeral and I did learn of it. I had not spoken, really spoken, to him in over 30 years. I can never say sorry.

As I continue to read everyone's story here, I believe there is hope I can be a survivor. I am just confused on what will work. I have a therapist, groups, grief counseling and it seems so overwhelming.

Apoklnow you said one day you hope to be a survivor. I see you are much closer than I. You will make it. You saved your children from the horrors of a home that had no respect for children. You have strength and should be proud of saving their lives.

When I read of hope, I tentatively believe I have hope. I can only say thank you to everyone here for sharing their story. I have been all over the place here. I do not know where to post my story. I have begun to write and hope one day soon to share.

#466293 - 06/06/14 03:43 PM Re: My introduction. [Re: sorryson]
apoklnow Offline

Registered: 05/26/14
Posts: 6
Loc: Se
The big problem with saving my own kids, is that it drained me all of my energy. The continual fears, the ongoing battles, the frustration in a legal system that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And no here I am. I fought for my children to keep them safe. And no I am literally alone knowing I have to fight for me, but also in the same time who is going to fight with or/for me? I can't ask my kids to do it. My friends offer words. My fiancee has nothing left in her, she is empty. My parents are clueless, just like they were when I was left all alone in the first place. If you are familiar with the character Sisyphus, that's who I am. I did what I was supposed to do and now I need real help, with others around me saying "you have to figure this out for yourself". Well I am tired and exhausted of trying to figure that for myself? I need to cry so much so that I can stop crying anymore. I just want this hurt, confusion and pain to end so I can go on and be a father again, a partner to my fiancee so she can trust and love and understand me again. I'v done nothing wrong and that's all that it feels like that I have to fix the mistakes of so many others while I figure this out, try to heal and actually be a person again. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I am spent, in this moment I am stuck pushing this boulder up this endless mountain.

#466333 - 06/07/14 03:02 PM Re: My introduction. [Re: apoklnow]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hello apoklnow,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for to have found and joined us here at MS.

I get a sense of the great deal of pain you are experiencing, and the people pleaser in me wants to reach out and help in any way I can.

I would first like to say that, whether you feel it right now or not, you are a survivor.
Many who are abused don't survive.
So by the very fact you have made it this far, you are a survivor and worthy of help and support.

I also believe you may need to give up the idea of levels or degrees of abuse and pain.
I cannot know how the abuse you suffered had effected you through the years, nor you know that for me, or your daughter.
I'll reiterate what was conveyed to me in the early days of my participation here...
Pain is pain, abuse is abuse, and we cannot know how anyone of us are affected, over another, and what impact the abuse had on our lives.

I do think you have the right to be proud of yourself and things you have done.
You are seeking help, you are peeling back the layers BS we put together in order to survive, you did take action to save and further protect your children.

I would offer that how we think about things, the stories we tell ourselves in our own minds have huge impact on our emotions. Presence can help focus our minds on what is, right now. Take a moment, breath, be aware of your breath, and where you are, and you may ask yourself ...
What at this moment is unsatisfactory.
Really be aware the present moment.
We do not live in yesterday, nor do we live in tomorrow, we do however live right now.
I found this technique helpful in quieting my mind, and the racing of dozens of intruding unhelpful thoughts.

I'm feeling a little preachy so I'll leave you with that.

Welcome, take care and keep well.
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014


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