We have a trip with a couple friends coming up that we decided to go on. I'm a little nervous about my ability to try to just relax and have fun and not dwell on all the painful stuff going on.
This dilemma is very familiar. It comes up all the time, so much so that I'm not surprised by it.
The mother of my kids and I have been separated for four years. During that time we have never stopped taking care of the kids and we have also been on numerous trips. The hardest thing is that people see one thing on the outside that doesn't necessarily coincide with what's on the inside. But amidst pain and difficulty we have shared a lot of good things and made a connection that is both tenuous and fortifying.
As time goes on, I've seen that dwelling on the past is fruitless. There is no place to go but more into the present moment, yet that is easier said than done at times. What's hard is to recognize that the past belongs to the past and that in some ways, things can never be the same once the pain is being confronted.
I have found this very difficult to make peace with. It goes against the grain of making everything appear normal and healthy. Sometimes I think the standards of dysfunction that she and I have would not be tolerated by other members of my family, who nonetheless face similar problems. But through it all, I have come across many resources within that I could not have imagined.
Sometimes the medicine coexists very near the pain. These days, I am accepting that fact of life. It strangely affirms that what was difficult about the past was in fact true and hard to face. But I'd rather be in touch with the fear of that than letting it drive me further from what life has to offer.
Hope this helps,