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#465773 - 05/25/14 02:44 PM Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men?
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I have had serious trust issues with everyone, men and women since I was 11 but now it is really more focused towards men, particularly straight, masculine men, especially if they give off a homophobic vibe. I can be at many times comfortable around and chatting with bisexual and gay men but have recently found that I CAN NOT directly speak to ANY man about abuse, it just triggers too much and stirs up so much hate, even more so since a man did my criminal injuries review and did a shit job reviewing it making numerous errors and wrong impressions starting right in the first paragraph where he refers to the first monster who abused me as a "family friend" even though he further goes on to acknowledge that we never met before and I did not know him. It just felt like he drove a nail in my heart being so insensitive and dare I say stupid with his remarks, going so far as suggesting that I wanted to be abused the second time, I never consented but I didn't fight him off because I froze up like a scared child and I complied with his demands to avoid being hurt. The 18 year old me wasn't at all present, I was purely the scared shitless little boy trying to force myself to do what he said so he wouldn't hurt me or tell anyone else and this MAN turned it into me wanting to explore with a man, me never having had sex at all at that point, and complying purely so he would give me the job, a job I made clear in my victim impact statement that I didn't want. Fuck I hate men right now!. Sorry for that remark.

#465774 - 05/25/14 02:49 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
And to make it worse and confusing is that I have a sexual attraction to men but purely physical, I fear any kind of emotional or intimate connection, just sex.

#465777 - 05/25/14 05:25 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I think so to a degree.

The most important man not to hate is yourself.

In my CSA, it was my first sexual experience, it wasn't always bad. Sometimes I was blown and my body responded to the stimulation. Sometimes I was forced to suck a 15 year old and he enjoyed choking me with it, then let me breathe, then shove it own my thread again.

So yes, there was some SSA from initial experiences and some hatred. But I felt guilty for my abuse because I responded to being sucked. I felt like I deserved it or must have liked it, so I got what I deserved.

That was the poison that corrupted my thinking for years.

I shared my abuse with a few women. They were very understanding and helpful. It happens to them very often.

Understanding we were taken advantage of is critical. All men are not child molesters.

Sharing it has helped me. This site helps. I was sick when I first typed about my abuse. But we are recovering together here. We are not unique in our pain and our progress out of it.

Don't give up on yourself. You can get better. It can happen.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#465778 - 05/25/14 06:08 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
CafeMan Offline

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Chicago
After my abuse ended at age 12, I had severe trust issues with men. I felt that since my brother in law could do that to me, who else can do that? Therefore, I did not trust my own father, my brothers, male teachers at elementary school, etc.

For me this sense of distrust lasted about a year after my abuse ended. I never told anyone about my male trust issues. I basically "talked it out of me." Meaning that I would use positive reinforcement to start trusting men again. For example, I would constantly tell myself that my father and brothers were good men who love me, that they will not hurt me and I will be treated with respect by them. I reminded my self that there WAS NO EVIDENCE IN THE PAST that these men violated me. So what I would do is spend some time with them. Then, I would back off contact and evaluate my time. I would give myself encouragement and praise myself for trusting close men in my life again. I guess you could call it "occupational therapy" on an emotional level.

Bottom line - I will always tell myself that one scumbag will not ruin my views on all men. It was a very hard process, but I was able to restore my trust in men that were in my life. Good luck!


#465837 - 05/27/14 11:42 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 373
Loc: NY metro **PM's are welcomed
Pete1973, I'm sure most if not all of us have some of those feelings around other men a lot. I might have labeled what I felt as hate of other men early on, but for me it was not the other men themselves, but for being everything I (seemingly)wasn't.

For me it began early as a kid when my Mom died when I was five, I felt like a freak that I didn't have a Mom anymore and all the family chaos around that. Throw in the ongoing sexual abuse starting at around 9, I totally zoned out of school even. Seeing other kids, especially other boys seemingly so normal all around me was a constant reminder of how fucked up I & my life was, how I was everything they weren't & vice versa. I had such a low sense of esteem & masculinity, I felt that I was anything but a boy or later a man. Being around other men now sometimes I still feel like the odd man out. I have to make a conscious effort to fit in, after so many decades of "hiding in plain site". I have to remember that I've been through what they haven't been through (although some of them may be hurting like us too), and that I've survived, maybe with some scares, but doing pretty fricken ok for what I've been through.

So for me, it turned out in the end it wasn't hate of others, it was that they were a constant reminder of what I was wasn't.
I would label it more jealousy & envy, which in turn fed into my ssa as well.

I had to get over constantly beating myself up, appreciate my accomplishments, forgive & nurture myself.

The guy who wrote your statement was an insensitive idiot, sorry you have to deal with that ontop of everything else. His job should be picking up dog shit in parks, verses dealing with people & sensitive issues.
My Updated (2017) Story, it focuses on the abuse, the aftermath & poor coping mechanisms & breakthrough...Healing ;

#465946 - 05/29/14 04:36 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 472
yeap, pretty normal, makes sense no? you should be alert around those who harmed you, but still it's pretty easy to deal with absolutes, like On the fringe said, it is important that you don't hate yourself, i think in general there is a rape culture around sex and men, otherwise why would it be so prevalent now a days. Stay safe and sending you my best.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#466330 - 06/07/14 01:35 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
PMGNT Offline

Registered: 05/24/14
Posts: 25
Loc: Eastern USA
I have serious hatred stuff inside me, toward women, and my abuser was a woman. I think it's the same principle, the same thing happening.

Pretty understandable, isn't it?

It's not like it was OUR idea to feel this way.

#466338 - 06/07/14 08:44 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 756
Loc: VA
I was afraid of grown men when I was a kid (i.e., up to age 18 or so). Since then, all I feel is inadequate and unreal. From what I've read on male survivor symptoms, all this is commonplace.


#466394 - 06/09/14 02:52 PM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2946
Trust your distrust. Trust your own sense of who deserves your trust. If someone gives you that strange icky sense - the forced, plastic smile, the eyes that want to avert, the sideways glance, the words that speak a truth you want to believe but somehow can't buy...

Trust that.

It doesn't mean you can't trust anyone. It doesn't mean you are cynical or bitter. It means you can stand by yourself. Trust your gut - that's where all trust begins. The gut - even if you can't explain it - is usually uncannily right. That's something that took me FAR too long to learn.

#466434 - 06/10/14 11:38 AM Re: Is it common to have a fear/hatred toward men? [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Unhappycamper, I know exactly how you feel, I have always felt like less of a man, and not even the fact that I KNOW I am much more endowed than most men, the fact that I am uncircumcised would make me feel like I wasn't "normal" and I never tried to do something like prove my masculinity amongst other guys by showing off what I had and I was frightened of women until I was 19 and ended up picking up the occasional prostitute for a handjob just to have someone there, such a lonely feeling but surprisingly it was this activity that gave me the ego boost I needed to overcome my fear of women as these women, well most of them, treated me as a "normal guy" not even as a desperate guy using a prostitute to get off and a they all commented on how well endowed I was and how much of a gentleman I was with them, treating them well and not like most men do and I even offered my shirt to one to clean up with so she didn't have to be dropped off "messy".
Now when I tried going to a men's spa a couple of times since opening up about my bisexual curiosity the response I got from the men there was entirely different. I felt more like how these prostitutes described most men, that I was just a piece of meat to them and there for their amusement and to be used however they wanted, just like the way I was treated as a child by my perp. Not saying all men are like that, just that my luck seems to draw me to these men and I am so sick of men treating women like this, never mind how they treated me.
It is so complex and confusing and frustrating, I have what I truly believe is a natural attraction to men, more so penises, but I am frightened by how most men get dominant sexually and I have found that the few men that have been more of what I was looking for were gay and looking for a relationship, not just purely sexual and a relationship and more so a commitment frighten the hell out of me which stems from feeling like I was going to be committed to being the live sex toy of my perps and the second one drove me to attempt committing suicide.
So I have ridden what some call a very slippery slope and then when I got that last response something just snapped.
A small part of me doesn't want to close the door on my sexual interests but the hate and anger is so strong that I fear I will do or say something I don't mean if I try anything more with another man. Hopefully in time and with discussing this with my therapist I can overcome this heightened fear but I am pretty certain that I will never trust any male chauvinistic pig, it was this attitude that I saw in my perps that treated me like less than dirt, it wasn't a bisexual or homosexual act, it was a sick perverted act of dominance that they did to me and my first girlfriend treated me similar as well which drove me to meeting prostitutes.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against prostitution and if anything it troubles me how so many people stereotype these women, and men for that matter as crack whores and drug addicts, there are many prostitutes and strippers that do it purely for the money to help support their family and some do it for men like myself that are/were just too scared to try to have a "normal" sexual relationship but really wanted and needed that company of another person in a sexual way and these women were a big part of what got me into an 18 year marriage so I have absolutely no regrets about using prostitutes. I don't even like saying that term "using", I would rather say something like "acquiring the company of".

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