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#465708 - 05/23/14 05:30 PM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: pattom]
pattom Offline

Registered: 05/20/14
Posts: 44
Loc: Southern Midwesternish
Dave, Jude... and everyone else, thanks for all of the encouragement. While I don't yet feel courageous, I can at least say I'm trying. I am realizing that I am not going to be able to set the pace, or try and speed things along towards recovery. It will all unfold as it should, I suppose. And really, thats probably a good thing, because when I look at the totality of everything, the sexual abuse, the lifelong affects of it, and the anger of all that was taken from me, I get so overwhelmed, that I have no idea what to do or where to start. Then what usually comes next is a complete shutdown. Even as I type this I can feel my blood pressure rising.

But I can look at the past week and see progress. And I'm really trying not to beat myself up if its not going as planned.

I believe this is a safe place. I have read through so much here that has made me understand more clearly that I am not alone, and that I can get better. So to finish my extended introduction, I feel I must affirm all of you guys for your help and insight. The best way I can do that is to tell you my name. You guys seem to be unafraid to put your name with your experience. So I want to do the same...

So.... My name is Patrick, and I was sexually abused.

Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I think this place may have saved me.

Beautiful things grow out of s***.
My Grandmother

#465841 - 05/27/14 12:29 PM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: pattom]
learning2luvme Offline

Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 50
In some ways getting over CSA is like choking up a phlem ball after a bad cold. It hurts to swallow and it hurts coming up. Either way you just can't feel better until you get it out.

Congratulations on your first step. The hardest part is behind you now. Today Just love yourself and those around you. Reach out for support. Study the posts here as there is a lot of wisdom.

Best wishes and Happy Healing,


#465861 - 05/27/14 04:08 PM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: learning2luvme]
pattom Offline

Registered: 05/20/14
Posts: 44
Loc: Southern Midwesternish
L2LM.... thanks for the encouragement. The phlem ball is a perfect analogy. I am taking great comfort from the wise words of the men here. I can look at you and the others who have reached out to me, the experiences shared, and know that there is hope, and that I can get better.

Thanks, Patrick
Beautiful things grow out of s***.
My Grandmother

#465995 - 05/30/14 02:11 AM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: pattom]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hello pattom,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for to have found and joined us here at MS.

It sounds like you are on a good path right now and whether you see it right now or not, this was a very brave step.
I know, as do we all, how difficult that first post is. But as you too have found out, worth that step.

If you are anything like me, I believed I was to blame.
Then eventually I understood intellectually that was not the case, but the feeling did not go away with that understanding.
This sense of responsibility can be described in one of my favorite lines of a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay called "Pity Me Not".
It goes like this....
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.

In other words give it time, you'll come around.
Recovery is like a marathon to me, not a sprint, even thought I wish it was a sprint.

Welcome, take care and keep well.

Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#465996 - 05/30/14 03:22 AM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: pattom]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Hi Patrick,

Welcome. I'm both glad you found us and sorry you have the need to find us. Don't be the least bit surprised when things start coming to you in stages-- not only memories, of course, but things you'll discover about yourself. There will be good days and tough days, days where you feel like you're really making progress quickly, and days where you feel like you're going nowhere. This is all normal. But the good news is that as you face each level of the ugly stuff and start to work through it, you'll eventually start to have a sense of satisfaction that's hard to define. It might be a new sense of self-confidence, a newfound desire to start being fair to yourself, or a respect for what you've gone through that's based on your strength, not self-pity.

Finally, you'll know that even on the rough days, you're still making progress. Even if it's an inch at a time, progress is progress. And with this, each journey into the ugly stuff breaks each part of it down and makes it a little less overwhelming.

Congratulations on your courage to post what happened. I know good and well how hard that is. Know that you have a whole lot of brothers here who know exactly where you're coming from and respect you for it. Believe me, we know. Welcome.


#466010 - 05/30/14 12:34 PM Re: I'm nervous, but I'm here [Re: pattom]
pattom Offline

Registered: 05/20/14
Posts: 44
Loc: Southern Midwesternish
Kevin, Bob...

Thank you for the welcome. It has been an interesting week since I joined. I would see a bit of progress, followed close behind by a huge setback. But I can at least say I'm trying. Everyone here has said there would be good days and bad days. You guys certainly werent lying!

The biggest thing for me is that I've found someplace that gets it. I can say what I'm feeling and you all understand completely. I think I'm beginning to undertand what that whole "you are not alone" thing really means.

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I can pass some of that on one day.

Beautiful things grow out of s***.
My Grandmother

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