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#465408 - 05/16/14 10:32 PM Still interact with abuser
Ihatemyself Offline

Registered: 05/15/14
Posts: 2
??possible trigger warning????
Hello all, The main problem I am having is that I still need to see my abuser/brother rather frequently at family functions and we interact like nothing sexual ever went on although he sexually molested me for years then moved on to my sister for an even longer time unbeknownst to me. As much as I hate him for what he did to me, I get along with him for the sake of my parents and our kids and wives etc. When I think of what he did to my sister, I get absolutely disgusted and angry and want to attack him physically. I only found out it happened to her too when she had a child and I told her to never leave him alone with our brother. She then confided in me that he had also molested and raped her for years beyond the time I had told him to stop the sexual stuff with me. My wife feels that I should let my parents know about what their son did to us, I refuse because I now it will break their hearts, and my father might kill him. My main concern is that there are a lot of young children in our family now and I do not trust him around any of them, except for his own. I do not know what I should do, can it be possible that since he is no longer a teenager there is no need to worry, or should I be screaming from the rooftops what a disgusting predator he was and very still may be

#465415 - 05/17/14 02:30 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
blockade Offline

Registered: 11/11/13
Posts: 20
I'm sorry to hear. In my opinion if you want to protect your parents from this (for now) you should directly challenge your brother and see what he has to say in response to your concerns. If he carried on his actions into his late teens that would be especially worrying.

#465419 - 05/17/14 08:31 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
There is a saying that "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep." Keeping sexual abuse as a "family secret" only perpetuates the abuse and the damage to everyone involved.

You and your sister have already paid a huge price in the interest of protecting your parents from the truth. Perhaps its time to protect yourselves and the other children in the family, who all are potential victims of this predator.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#465420 - 05/17/14 08:47 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
sadclown Offline

Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 59
You, like most of us, were abused by a family member. I had the bad luck of my mother marrying into a very abusive family where abuse was the norm. The incest, however, was a very guarded affair. All my elder male cousins were abused, and in the few years before I got old enough to be targeted by the family perp, one of them acted out with me and basically got me prepared for him. No one spoke up. The cousin who had it worst never touched me but never protected me, either. The one who did act out a bit still denies he was ever abused.

Abusers thrive from our silence. It keeps them able to do what they do. In the decades other boys were learning about sex in the worst ways from this guy, no one spoke up. Now we know he was a serial molester and did not just stay in the family. It would have only taken one in forty years to keep me from being here. Just one boy. Or hell, even one man. Only one. I had the benefit of accidentally disclosing and being believed and no one came after me with him. I was the last kid, but as it turned out I probably would have been the last kid for him anyway.

Anyway, the point I am making here is that every child present and unborn in your family and community is very likely at risk. You really couldn't do anything as a kid, but as a man yeah, now you can. I can't imagine or relate to what your own particular family dynamic is but dude, let the other kids have a shot at not being here. At never understanding what we do. You have an opportunity to protect and likely prevent the abuses of children.

I can't speak for you, but I would sooner hurt an adult with an ugly truth than let a kid be forced to learn a horrible, scarring, and life-altering lie
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

#465421 - 05/17/14 09:00 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Why would you ever think his own children are safe from him? He certainly learned to be abusive somewhere. And no, I am not suggesting all or most abusers go on to abuse. My abusers were both my parents. If you are going to out him, there may be reactions which you do not expect. I would certainly find a therapist who is very competent in CSA issues. IMO, you will definitely need the support. This sounds like a powder keg to me without competent professional support. This is a situation where there may be unintended consequences you are unaware of. My experience is the best way to care for others is to take excellent care of myself. Be prepared. You and your sister have been abused, but you are not experts. Get an expert to advise you. Just my opinion. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#465429 - 05/17/14 04:37 PM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
jj78 Offline

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 148
Loc: Midwest
Hi, and welcome to MS. This is certainly a good place to be to work through your own csa as well as the current situation with your brother.

I was abused by my grandfather here, and for years assumed it was just me. I kept waiting to tell my wife and family until he died, as I thought it would be too much for my family to take. I was worried it would split the whole family apart, and I would be responsible for that. Well, it got to be too much, and in 2013 I finally told my wife and 2 sisters and parents. THey were all very supportive of me, and in the process, my mom talked to her 3 brothers, and one came forward and said he was targeted by my grandfather 25 years before me, but things didn't go that far. But that uncle is now kicking himself that he kept quiet for so many years, as myself, along with likely many of my cousins, as well as others outside of the family, were also victims.

A perp will not stop going after boys until he (or she) is stopped. From what you have described about your brother, he doesn't seem like he has anything that would make him think what he did was wrong, and it may be time to escalate within your family. Now each situation is certainly different, but if I were you, I would strongly recognize that your brother may not have changed, and may still be trying to do these things.

I wish you the best man!

#465435 - 05/17/14 08:32 PM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
My older brother was my abuser too and I have not confronted him. I am a bit conflicted, part of me realizes that I probably should confront him and let my secret out to possibly save others. The other part of me says that I am not responsible for his actions past or future, I am only responsible for mine. Perhaps thats a bit selfish but I need to take care of my issues. I give my brother somewhat of a break in that he was only a teen himself when he abused me.
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#465436 - 05/17/14 08:39 PM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
This is a crime where the victim feels the shame and the criminal walks free and proud.

I would definitely out his sorry ass. You and sister talk to parents together with a CSA counsellor present.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#466817 - 06/20/14 04:49 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
Ihatemyself Offline

Registered: 05/15/14
Posts: 2
Quick update. I didn't out him but I did confront him recently and tell him that he was a sick fuck and he really screwed me and my sister up with what he did to us. He apologized sincerely and profusely and said the idea of what he did haunts him daily, and he doesn't know why he did what he did, it was like it wasn't really him doing it. After long talk I ended up telling him I already forgave him but worry about him still being that sick person and still having feelings towards children. He assured me that is not the case and if it was he would've kill himself. It turned out he has already apologized and talked about this with my sister some time in the past, and I have a feeling he never came to me and apologized because he could sense the rage and hatred I held inside and was afraid I would beat him severely. I let him know I will still be on the defensive when the family kids are around and if I ever find he hurt another child, I would shoot him dead, to which he replied I wouldn't stop you. I thought I would get some satisfaction from confronting him but that wasn't the case, I don't feel any weight lifted or any better about myself, but I felt I needed to get it out to prevent it from happening again, hopefully

#466818 - 06/20/14 05:06 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Talking with a therapist who is an expert in sexual abuse and incest would help answer a LOT of your questions, and help you understand how sexual abuse survivors generally internalize the abusive situation. Ultimately, for me, it was not my abusers that had to change, it was me who had to change. A tricky process, one that has required decades and is still ongoing, and can be like navigating a mine field at times. Hope you find what you need.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#466820 - 06/20/14 05:21 AM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
13 Offline

Registered: 10/26/08
Posts: 3
Loc: America
I joined MS almost 6 years ago. It has been almost 6 years since I have posted on this board. I myself was abused by brother at a young age and see him on a frequent basis. I have not confronted him or have told my parents, I have only confided to close friends and my current girlfriend.

I just want to say thank you for sharing your story.

#466913 - 06/23/14 12:09 PM Re: Still interact with abuser [Re: Ihatemyself]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 406
Loc: Europe
My brother abused me, and my mother. At first I didn't think of it as abuse, and years later it struck me as obvious, but I still have struggles and doubts sometimes. When I started realising it, I wrote e-mails to both of my brothers.

That disclosure was ten years ago now, and a very difficult time for me. As I try to remember it, a sense of confusion returns.

Neither of them agreed that Mom was abusive, though they both gave stories. One talked about Mom looking at him naked; another of Mom pinching the hair on the back of his thighs and talking about how sexy boys' hairy legs were.

The abusive one denied he'd ever been abusive; saying he would never hurt me. He also said some really strange things, though, including an offer to reenact things if that would help me.

The other one questioned how it could be true, but stopped short of saying there was no way it could have happened. What he made very clear, though, was that talking about this could split the family and cause irreparable damage that could never be undone. Nobody in my life has ever meant more to me than him. My wife and sons mean just as much, but not more. He was warning me not to talk about this, and showing, in a way, his disapproval that I had brought it up at all.

My mother is dead now. I don't really miss her, even though there was more good in our relationship, and in her, than bad. Maybe she died at the wrong time: after these things and surfaced in me but before I could sort through them all (Will I ever be able to say that I've sorted through them all.)

My mother is no longer a threat to anyone, and I don't think she was, after me. I wondered about my sons, and I guess I might wonder now were she to have unsupervised time with them, but it never became an issue. Besides, what could I say if both brothers deny things. Their warnings to me were very clear. I would not have been backed up. It's scary to think about, and I take comfort in the fact that I do not have to worry if by keeping silent I am enabling anything. For the longest time, I didn't know what she did to me was abuse. As I was working through it, I didn't have enough confidence to report. Legally, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not even sure I'd have been within teh statute of limitations. Now she's dead, so it's not an issue.

What about my brother? He's got four daughters. He works with people of all ages. Do I have to expose him to keep people safe? Again, neither brother will back me up. In fact, although I thought I had e-mailed them in confidence, at least one of them spoke to Dad about it. (He and Mom were divorced.), and Dad offered them a nice rationalisation about why I was creating those stories, so no back up there.

Ok. This is hard. Here I am listing all these people I love; people I know to be people of intelligence and integrity. And none of them agree with me or would back me up. I have to ask myself, again, if I am crazy. This is not what I wanted to post on this thread.

As far as whether he is a threat to others; I tend to think not. I know I am not an expert. He was a teenager when he abused me. I think he can still be a jerk, but I don't think he would sexually abuse anyone today.

I sometimes wish I could write articles or a blog as a survivor, but that would mean exposing my family, a family which I am sure would not back me up.

Am I chickening out? Sure. Am I putting kids at risk by doing so? With Mom definitely not. With my brother I just don't think so. What would I do if I found out he WAS abusing someone and I had to ask myself if I allowed that to happen by not reporting? Well, that would be terrible. I just don't think he is a risk anymore, and I don't think I would stand up to any reporting of cross-examination well anyway. In other words, I don't think he needs to be stopped, and I don't think I can stop him.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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