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#465346 - 05/14/14 04:53 PM here and struggling.
highflight Offline

Registered: 05/01/14
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
I've been a member now for a couple of weeks, and have read many stories here. Although they're hard to read, it helps knowing that I'm not the only one who has dealt with self-loathing, shame, and at times anger.

I was first abused more than 20 years ago when I was around 15 or 16 by a person I truly looked up to. He - only a few years older - groomed me, and became a special friend before anything happened. He made me feel special, that he and I were “closer” friends than others. Then he molested me one night...and the next day made it seem like our friendship had clearly reached a new level of specialness. I really thought it was awesome at the time (altough shameful and wrong). Bastard. Thanks for convincing me that I had anything at all to do with it. The abuse continued for another 3 to 4 years, infrequent (mostly) because we didn't live in the same town, and only could be together as friends when something was going on at the scout camp we worked at. There's more to the story, but I don't feel like sharing yet...this is hard enough.

I denied for years, finally admitting to abuse shortly after I got married. My wife has always been supportive.... I thought I had this under control, until a few weeks ago when I stumbled (self defeating behavior) and got caught. Complete mental meltdown / panic attack... ugly scene... I'm at the bottom, totally humiliated, and totally embarassed.

I'm now looking for a good therapist (in between work trips), and trying to keep it all together. I really didn't want to write here, but hoping that maybe by writing some of it down, it will help me to not bury it away again. I don't really know what to do next. I'll find a therapist, I'm sure, but quite frankly that scares the hell out of me. I'm terrified of what might be uncovered....not sure I'm ready for that.

...anyways, thanks for being there.

#465347 - 05/14/14 05:06 PM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas
Welcome to MS. You will receive support here.
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#465352 - 05/14/14 08:16 PM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 246
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA

Getting caught for your self defeating behavior may be the best thing that could happen to you if you use it to confront what haunts you and free yourself of your past. May this be an opportunity to start the better part of the rest of your life.

I started on this journey because my wife caught me surfing for porn on the net (more than once) and I knew that if I didn't do something about it I would end up losing everything that was important to me in my life. It's been a long journey, but it definitely saved my life.

I've found a lot of wisdom in this site, and have learned tons about sexual abuse and its consequences.


#465358 - 05/15/14 02:42 AM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome HF,

For what its worth, we get it. I think its worth alot, but you be the judge for yourself. There's no question too shameful to ask here, no secret to tell thats too embarassing here, because we've been through it all. You're in a safe place to unload, rant, or just listen. Its all good. Don't be a stranger.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#465360 - 05/15/14 02:54 AM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
learning2luvme Offline

Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 50
Hello Highflight,

Congratulations on finding a great place to learn, grow and recover. One thing for certain...there is a lot of been there...done that experience on this site from it's very amazing members.

Read. Ask questions. Private message those that you relate too. We are all hear to help.

My journey like yours also came out of discovery by my wife. While I am not proud of my bad behaviors....coming here I learned that it was also very common. I had to go through it to determine what I did or did not want.

IMO honesty is the best policy. The more you get off your chest the better you will feel. Good luck in your journey.

Happy Healing,


#465370 - 05/15/14 08:04 AM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
highflight Offline

Registered: 05/01/14
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
Thanks fellas, I really appreciate the welcome.

#465379 - 05/15/14 07:38 PM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
jj78 Offline

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 148
Loc: Midwest
Hi Highflight-Congrats on your first posting and getting this out. I know it's not easy to do so!

#465909 - 05/28/14 05:07 PM Re: here and struggling. [Re: highflight]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hello Highflight,

I am sorry for your reason to be, but glad for you to have found us here at MS.

I think it was Freud who said.. there are no mistakes or accidents. It is quite possible that your stumble, was an unconscious way of addressing your own need to heal.

I would add that the abuse that you suffered was not your fault, you are not to blame, I believe you and you are worthy of healing and support, the later can be found here at MS, and hopefully in your own support structure.

As for therapy, I avoided that as well for decades. My greatest fear was that the volume of evidence would define me as gay, and the therapist would be the means by which this would be revealed.
This was nothing but an 8yr olds defense mechanism of avoidance.
The idea that I thought this way is now completely ludicrous to me, but I needed my therapist to help me down that road.

Take your time, and when you are ready speak your truth.
The MS community will be here to offer support and empathy.

Take care and keep well.
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014


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