OCN, when you feel comfortable, let us know how you're doing. Keep in mind, this is a forum where ANYONE from the public can view your posts, but do let us know if there is something on your mind that maybe we can help reassure you on, or encourage you in, or provide insights from our journeys. We all learn from each other. Just knowing you're not nuts, you're not alone, and it isn't your fault is priceless, I can assure you. ;-)
Jeah i know everyone can read. Sometimes makes it feel hard to be open, but i know i no longer want to hide ;-)
I think the topic by Andy on this same subject resonates with me. When looking back, i never really felt attracted to men. Its more that i hide everything which could be linked to any of that. And because of that, it gets intensified. I'm trying so hard to prove myself i'm not gay, that i never considered the posibilty of just letting things go and accept whatever will happen. In the end i know there is no real control over life anyway.
As for an update, went to the therapist for an intake but didnt really have a good feeling about the talk. It was mainly about money and it somehow felt like the guy decided i am gay and should just learn to accept that. Ofcourse i can not be sure if it really was what he was thinking, but i didnt felt taken serious. And for the therapy there were limited options, which means either only a couple of sessions or paying it all by myself. So i'm not sure as to whether i should continue with this group of therapists. I know one therapist within their group which i actually had a good feeling about, but this talk about money and my doubts about the intake makes me doubt this program a bit.
And its pretty tough not to be mad at my parents for wanting thing to be over now. They don't seem to realize how the path of healing works (neither do i for that matter lol) and that it consists of ups and downs. Have to be careful not to keep everything to myself, cause i am quite happy that i can now finally be totally open with my parents.
time will tell, filled in a questionnaire, so perhaps it helps to put some urgency on the matter. Cause this time i don't want to be played around, i finally realize i should have a say in all of this. Last time it felt like i was pushed into a rollercoaster. Reading about EMDR and the build-up to it, made me realize that EMDR in the 4th session with a therapist you hardly know might be a little too soon.
And another thing is that i experienced a deadly train accident this week. Sitting in the train when someone crashed with his bicycle, instantly dead. So somehow this got me shifting from my own problems towards this. It always remains a struggle. I want to pay attention to my own problems, but at the same time i don't want to be self-centered. And this sometimes confuses..
have a good weekend all!