First off I want to stress how much facing my abuse and its effects on me have shaken up my life. I was abused at like 3 or 4 like I have stated in the first post, by a black female babysitter, skin color is irrelevant, but it is part of the story. I then acted out in isolated incidents with each peer between like 5-7, as I said 3 girls and 2 boys. One being my brother who is a year and a half younger, who came out as gay and I've struggled with self blame in the acting out, which only happened once with him, thinking that, that incident caused his sexuality, although other people said they knew he was gay, before he came out.
It really bothers me a lot in the fact of how your body deceives you and responds to abuse as if you enjoy some part of it, which I think adds to the turmoil of working through it. Which is also a part of why I think kids act out, is because a part of it feels good, but also trying to figure out what it is that happened since we don't carry that knowledge to understand sex and things that come with it. I have done a ton of reading about PTSD, and common affects but it doesn't take away from the feelings of loneliness and isolation, not to include the amount of fear that comes with it.
I just am so thrown off by how it can come back years later to cause so many problems, after you have lived so long with the memories from time to time with little to no problems, at least that you could see. But I have a terrible time with connecting things together that may not belong together, as in my brothers sexuality, as a result of one incident, but I was a lot more "grown up" as a child, as far as breaking up my parents fights and taking care of my brother, and myself. I have always rested a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. We were also in foster care 3 times between ages of 3 and 10 for like 5 or 6 years.
But all growing up from ages of like 7 until now and beyond, I dated quite a few girls, I am now engaged to a woman my age, and she is the first person I have dated who I told about my abuse, and I have never thought much about anything else nor was I really hyper vigilant of my friendships or relationships with other people. But facing my abuse and the fact that I am straight and had those kind of interactions with other boys (males) really bothers me, and it has a lot to do with fear of what others would think or say. I think the homophobic feelings come in as a fear of it happening again, as if I'm still vulnerable or helpless when I am not. Or that it takes away from me being a "real" straight male or that people will think I'm a fake having had those interactions. Because I do not dislike people who are homosexual, it is their life and it does not effect me, as long as they don't try to hit on me or whatever, just like they wouldn't want straight people pushing heterosexuality on them. Which I think is pretty normal.
A big idol of mine is R.A Dickey, the MLB pitcher for the Toronto Bluejays, his childhood resembles mine a lot. As I was a baseball player as a child, a pitcher also. His abuse was a female babysitter and a 17 year old male when he was 8. He didn't talk about it until he was 32, and now he is in his 40's and wrote a book. He is worth looking into, and his story, same with Keyon Dooling who was a pro basketball player.
I, just like many male survivors just want a normal life back and to not be so hyper vigilant and uncomfortable in my skin at times. I also look forward to helping other kids and adults move towards healing when I get further in my own recovery. The myths that surround male sexual abuse is easily internalized, about if you were abused you will abuse, and it affects sexuality and all of the other ones on here and 1in6.org makes it hard for us men to heal because of society.
I want to move beyond this so it doesn't effect my relationship with my kids whenever I become a dad, I have always looked forward to it and the last year and a half since this stuff came up in flashbacks and PTSD reactions, it has caused me to have a hesitant viewpoint about it, because I don't want to be distant or not be able to be affectionate towards them, it wouldn't be fair to them.
But thank you all again