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#465188 - 05/10/14 11:17 AM Do you think dreams mean anything?
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 397
I have been having some weird dreams about baby, he's about 1 I think. I think it is me? He's small, he never speaks but he can walk.

In the first one he couldn't sleep at night so he went out and walked for miles. Along routes I knew from where we used to live. I kept thinking he was too young to be out alone at night, but no one else seemed to care. It was like they were used to seeing him walking around at night. He came home in the morning and his mother (my mother) picked him up, but he wouldn't let her hug him. Because he was walking all night he was too tired to eat, so he fell asleep while she was holding him. Then night came again and she didn't seem to know what to do with him, so she put him down and he started walking again. I was really bothered by it because he hadn't eaten anything and no one seemed to care.

Last week the same baby again, with my mother. They went to visit some people who were moving house and seemed to be fussing about everything. They eventually showed my mother round the house. Upstairs there was this hatch in the ceiling and the woman said that there was an apartment up there, that some guy lived in. Some of the other men there went up to look around. There was no ladder, and my mother couldn't get up, but she pushed me up there. I didn't see what happened up there. All I saw was my mother waiting, listening to my footsteps going across the floor. Then she started thinking that she probably shouldn't have sent me up there with a bunch of strange men. I woke up thinking duh! (she probably is this stupid in real life)

Last night I dreamed that my mother was in the town we used to live. She was with some other women and they were walking round town. It was 10am but nowhere was open yet. Eventually they found a flower shop that was open so they went in there. My mother went to look around and she found the baby/me asleep on the ground in there. Like I was waiting for her? She picked me up and was really angry with my dad who was supposed to be looking after me. She called him but he didn't seem really bothered that I'd maybe been out for hours when I was just a baby. Then she tried to tell someone who worked there, but no one was listening. Then I woke up in real life and I felt really angry about her hypocrisy and just about the whole thing. And wondered what's with all the baby dreams???

I know some people say that dreams have meaning but I'm not sure. Maybe it's just your brain sorting past stuff, or things that went on during the day. Or it could just be random? But it seems strange that I dreamed of the same baby three times now. Do you think this is telling me I need to work on stuff from way back? And stuff with my mother? I kind of have no interest in working on anything from that far back. Sometimes I hear about people who keep journals where they write down the dreams they had. I wondered if anyone here did this. If you do, what do you do with it? Does it help in real life, or in recovery at all?

#465191 - 05/10/14 01:32 PM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4134
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i do believe that dreams can give us insights to what is going on in our sub-conscious. i am skeptical of formulas that try to equate a certain object or action unalterably to an equivalent meaning. i think that you have to look at the dream as a whole and take it all in context - and try to relate it to what is going on in your present life, what you are dealing with emotionally, your actual memories, etc.

my guess is that since you have dreamed about this baby repeatedly, that he does represent you. the fact that you see him from an outside point of view may indicate some dissociation or that it is symbolic rather than based on actual events that happened as the narrative of the dream shows.

to me, these dreams seems to indicate a pretty deep sense of abandonment and neglect, parental abdication of responsibility and your present, adult-level reaction of outrage at the way the baby/child/(you?) was treated. the detail that the baby can't speak may mean that as a child, he was, or you were unable to express what he was feeling about what happened.

i don't know that you need to "do" anything with it at the moment - but the fact that you are asking and that you thought the dreams were interesting enough to make a written description may mean that it is important - either now or for the future.

i can usually tell which dreams may be the result of late night pizza and which are something significant that i may need to mentally file away for future reference. i don't keep a dream journal - i rebel against anything that organized and disciplined! but i sometimes write out the ones i want to remember. sometimes the exercise of writing it out brings previously unnoticed details to light or helps me make connections or associations and to understand it better. sometimes the memory of the dream will come back to you when something else triggers it and it is like another piece of the puzzle.

hope some of that may make sense.


Edited by traveler (05/10/14 01:35 PM)
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#465273 - 05/12/14 08:02 PM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
ScottSmith Offline

Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 27
Loc: CA desert
I find dreams fascinating.
Every aspect of the dream represents YOU.
(the baby, the walk, the location, time of day. the house, the fussiness, etc.)
Go on line and look up what these interpretations are.
Look at each of the subject matters and see how they represent you.
When i tell my therapist about my dreams… I get a lot of work done.
So have fun, explore, check out these recurring themes…
I think you are trying to tell your self something but you can't. So your mind tries to via your dreams.
Once you know, you can let this "stuff" go and move on and live.
Have fun checking this stuff out…
Discovering the meaning behind dreams can be very cathartic to our healing journey.
Good Luck
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

#465294 - 05/13/14 12:17 PM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 474
Loc: New Hampshire
I also find dreams fasinating and I do believe they can be meaningful depending on the dream. Others are just dreams. I trained myself to be a lucid dreamer and that made a big difference in my dream world. they can be fun and they can be terrifying. But i personnally believe their messages are mostly cryptic.



#465302 - 05/13/14 06:20 PM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Not really...

I do notice some dreams are more fun than others. I have awoke and wanted to go back to sleep to continue!
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#465456 - 05/18/14 11:32 AM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 397
Thanks for the replies. I definitely find dreams interesting. Since posting this I haven't had the baby dream again. Just a bunch of really weird ones.

Do you think it's weird that I never experience dreams as myself, I'm always like a spectator watching myself. I never really thought about it before.

I don't really believe in the kind of dream interpretations that are like "dreaming of a cat means you will have good luck" Or whatever. Because who decided that? Was there some kind of scientific study done on it? I did look it up though just out of interest. It said that a baby walking alone was a sign of independence. There weren't any interpretations for putting your baby in an attic with potential pedos or finding it in a flower shop. When I had these dreams individually they didn't seem to mean much but when I wrote them down it did seem like there was an overall theme of being abandoned. I only learned details about the early part of my life recently. So maybe it was being re-enacted in a dream or something. I think I'm going to write down any dreams that seem interesting, maybe it might help with something.

#465954 - 05/29/14 08:54 AM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584
This thread remains in my mind. I generally do not have dreams I remember except if they are nightmares or flashbacks. Most of these related to the abuse. My nightmares and flashbacks were more visual with limited auditory. But when auditory was present, the words and sounds remained with me after the episode was over.

But last night I had a dream that I cannot stop thinking about. I laid paralyzed with fear on the floor. I could see lightning through the transom windows and hear the rain pelting against the panes of glass. I felt as though I was observing this dream, floating above me on the ground looking down from above. I was the adult me on the floor. I heard a door close and then the sound of feet coming down the stairs. I saw a shadow of a person, slowly moving down the bottom stairs and walking closer to me. I could see I was paralyzed with fear, making grunting sounds unable to scream for help or move to escape. The shadow was getting closer, I was struggling to move but could not. He stood over me in a rain slicker, the hood hiding his face, I could only see his eyes. He continued to walk around toward me. Finally he was standing at the base of my feet, staring at me. He began to slowly walk around me, staring at me with no sound. Fear took over, and I just laid there, just waiting for what was to happen. He slowly moved to my right side, staring down at me. Slowly he began to talk. I began to hear words, he was not here to hurt me, lock me in the room or spit on me. I am not here to tell you that you killed your grandmother because you did not and I know your father did not abuse you. He said he never wanted to hurt me. He only wanted me to love him. I was confused and scared. He slowly pulled the hood from his head and said he would never hurt me again. He told me he knew I loved him. The hood was now gone from his head and I could see his face. I stared at him and it was me, the chubby child I was with the crew cut. Next thing I remember I am sitting up in the bed, somewhat confused.

I was told while I was dreaming my arms were flailing and I was making low sounding noises. I asked her what did I say. She said just sounds and no words. I asked why she did not wake me. She said she believes one must complete their dream or nightmare in order to find the end and conclusion.

We talked about the dream. She said it sounds as though you were in the "cellar" looking up at those transom windows that haunted you. You were an adult and your child within was coming to you. You were scared to face the child and he crippled you with fear, as he did all those times as you were being triggered into flashbacks and dissociative episodes by words and actions by your family and heard in your dream. She said it sounded as though your child within had come to make peace since you have accepted him and that part of your life. It made sense and I guess I needed someone to put my words into cohesive thoughts.

I had not talked of the abuse and triggers that day. However,on Memorial Day at a barbecue I did speak of PTSD, dissociation and parts of the abuse with a veteran who suffers PTSD and advocates for victims of PTSD and trauma. We had many similarities in our stories of dissociation, flashbacks and triggers. However, his experiences in war I could not imagine and he said he could not imagine being sexually abused as a child. I felt comfortable talking and sharing with him and more importantly comfortable with myself.

I cannot stop thinking of the dream, is it a conclusion that my parts are connected or is it wishful thinking. My friend believes I have connected. She has seen the change in my words and demeanor. Strange, I do not see a change but can feel differently at times.

For me to remember a dream is highly unusual. Maybe I am beginning to tell myself I am whole and accepting it. I need to talk with my T. I do not have a support meeting until next Tuesday--so I needed to tell others who can understand. Thank you for indulging me.

I think this dream will be on my mind today and work may take a back seat.


#465957 - 05/29/14 09:54 AM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Dreams are important for us. It's the only time our subconscious gets to speak to us directly. It's especially important for us with DID and dissociative issues, because it's the only place to encounter the parts of us that have split off because of the trauma.

Also, there is no "wishful thinking" in dreams; they are always straight shots of truth, for good or bad.

It does sound like this dream of your's is an attempt by your subconscious to reconnect your dissociated parts. Embrace the dream and hope for more. Try not to fear them.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#465960 - 05/29/14 10:18 AM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: cant_remember]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584

Thank you--I agree with you. It is reassuring to hear it was not wishful thinking. I am hopeful I am reconnecting. Parts of me have been at odds with each other for a lifetime. I did not always realize-I tried to shut that part of me out of my life.

After this dream I did not have anxiety or fear just a sense of wondering if I am at the point I have worked so hard to achieve. I found reassurance in some of the words I heard, you did not kill your grandmother (which had been shouted at me while I unraveled. I was close to her and these words were debilitating. I took the children, who were young, to see her at Christmas time after she had a heart attack a month or so before. She had been moved to an assisted living home. It was a great visit. A few days after our visit she passed. I was accused by someone in my house I killed her because I took the children and she must have caught a cold from one of the children. My grandmother was 88 and was cooking and cleaning in her home up to the time of the heart attack. I know I did not kill her but hearing those words when one is battling the CSA became a triggering point for me to escape)and I was told by someone in the house my father was my abuser, which was not true. I heard these over and over and then to be locked in a room with only a window to escape and being spat on and stalked was too much. The dream seems to center around the cellar of the abuse, the triggers that set off flashbacks and dissociative episodes and the parts of me that were at odds which each other. Strangely it was the adult me that had fear of meeting the child and not the other way around.

I then would be gone after the triggers and flashbacks, where I do not know. I wonder if I will ever dream of where I was, but maybe it is best this part remains unknown. The doctors have said I will not recover these memories.

This dream brought me closer to the child within than ever before. I am hopeful it is nearing the final stages of connecting the whole. I am hopeful and will not fight because I have worked hard to get to this point. I want to have a good life filled with kind and loving people. I am learning I had to love myself first.

Thank you for the affirmation--I was hopeful this is what the dream was trying to tell me.


#465968 - 05/29/14 02:34 PM Re: Do you think dreams mean anything? [Re: txb]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3584

This dream has preoccupied me all day.

So I had to talk with my T, which I did. My T believes I never fully internalized the abuser and I see the child in the slicker as a representation of the abuser. He said "me" Kevin feared loving the child within would be a sign of loving the abuser. That is why I felt paralyzed as he was approaching me in the dream, it was the abuser I feared--both alien and scary to "me" and the child within will no longer self abuse and be the depository of all things bad.

The child within only knew the abuser and the abusers "love". He believes avoiding the child within allowed this part of me to self abuse (becoming my own abuser to self) and I let the abusive or destructive actions of others throughout life get inside the child within, as a way to protect me. He said the "me" and the child were alien to each other, until now.

It seems the child within was my dumping ground for all bad in my life, I learned to separate pain and hurt and deposit it into this part of me. He believes the abuse and on-going disturbing, unhealthy and abnormal actions and words by others prior to and during my falling apart as the past overtook my life and my mechanism to bury the pain is the root of my dissociative episodes. The child within went on overload as the acts and words mounted, he could no longer take it and "me" would have nothing to do with all the bad that was surrounding and buried within me. It was the child within's way of finding respite and love. And this part only knew the love of the abuser because of "me".

It makes sense to me. Throughout therapy and at support groups I have come to realize I became a master at burying the painful and hurtful parts of my life into the part I did not consider "me". I now realize "me" was numb to acts against me. I did not become mad or angry most times because "me" did not hold the emotional parts of these acts. When I did become angry it was a normal response as most people experience but I had internal conflict and it exacerbated the anger. It took me a long time to show anger toward my abuser in therapy. I gather I had buried this anger in the child and I was not letting the child into my life. I adopted this coping mechanism at the time of the CSA. I guess I became a master at burying bad and evil all too well and continued to use throughout life. But no more I now face my emotions.

At the end he said it was time to tell the child within I love him and to embrace him. Which was not in my dream. I awoke when the child made peace with "me", but I did not make peace with the child within. My T said once I get closer to and embrace the child within I will realize the child is not the abuser but "me"

This has brought clarity to everything that has happened. I have understood it on an intellectual level but today I feel it on a personal level. Cant you are correct I am beginning to connect the parts--

Thank you.


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