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#464968 - 05/05/14 02:05 PM Separation
Healing8 Offline

Registered: 03/26/14
Posts: 4
I'm so sad and confused right now. Things have been strained for the last few months between my husband and I. During one of our discussions I asked him if he had dealt with the sexual abuse that happened to him as a child. He was extremely angry and hurt by the comment. Since then things have been so hot and cold. He's been drinking a lot and frequently he doesn't want to share any of his inner thoughts or feelings with me. Some days he initiates affection and tells me he loves me and we are a team. Other days he wants to separate and run away. He doesn't know if he sees us being together for 30 more years anymore. A trial separation scares me because I don't know if it will make things better or worse. We have had a few marriage counseling sessions and they recommended individual counseling for us instead. Essentially, they felt he needed to work through his issues with a counselor alone before things can really improve between us. I want him to know I'm here and I'm supporting him through this but I don't know how to do that without pushing him away further. I do truly believe we can make it through this but my positive outlook is hard to keep right now. Please tell me there is still hope even when things are so dark right now?

#464970 - 05/05/14 05:24 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
susie Offline

Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 31
A little while ago I was in the same situation. I could have written your post!
Sadly our relationship is over now. He left me with two little kids, yet he blames me for the break-up. He was violent at the end of our relationship. At the same time horrific stories about his CSA came to the surface. He couldn't handle it. He was in therapy and accepted that he had problems but didn't go anymore after the first session. He is reluctant to do relationship counselling either. He now drowns his sorrows in alcohol, is very bitter and angry. But his problems are not my problems anymore and in some ways I feel liberated now that I am free!
I can be a good mother to our kids without having to live with all these ups and downs with him, dealing with his anger and abuse against me.
I wish you lots of strength no matter how your relationship develops. Just remember you deserve a good life and you are not responsiblenfo his past, and he needs to remember this, too.

#464971 - 05/05/14 05:29 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

Sometimes it can be difficult to be in the midst of another person's process of pain and discovery on the road to getting better.

In general I would say try not to be afraid of the future too much. Deal with the present, which is where you can provide strength. Hopefully your own counseling will help you find ways to deal with what has come up.

Also, when you are feeling things are not going anywhere, take a look at other's experiences on this website and elsewhere. I think you will find a reason to hope.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#464973 - 05/05/14 06:03 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
I agree with focusedbody. Staying present is challenging but it is often times the best defense against anxiety over the unknown. Have you been to al-anon?

#464978 - 05/05/14 07:51 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
Healing8 Offline

Registered: 03/26/14
Posts: 4
I have not attended an al-anon meeting but that is a good suggestion. I'm also hopeful that counseling will help give me some ideas/perspective on dealing with everything. We have a young child and I know I need to take care of myself and our child during this process regardless of the outcome. Thanks for bringing me back to the present. It's sometimes very easy to let my mind wander to the worst case scenario.

#464981 - 05/05/14 09:12 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I have a manta that I repeat in my head for times like this.
It will all be okay in the end and when its not its not the end.
No matter what happens with work amd time it will be okay I agree with the advice given that you should focus on the now because you can't predict the future.
Everything comes from within

#465011 - 05/06/14 01:21 PM Re: Separation [Re: Healing8]
pittsburgh Offline

Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
There is some good advice given here. I would suggest that you read about something called "mindfulness" stay in today. In my case I was trying to move on and my wife would ask about something about what had happened or where I was at. Many times I just was not ready to talk about had happened. Or I was in a good place and not wanted to be reminded. Of course men handle such things very different than women. "after all we are supposed to be able to protect ourselves" what is forgotten that we as young boys just could not. We were children. Both my wife and I have been in therapy for some years now. I wish you and your husband the best in you journey. It can get better with work and willingness.
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.


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