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#464963 - 05/05/14 08:58 AM To a friend of mine.
CloudyFalls Offline

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
I hate myself. I don't know why anymore. I've spent so much time thinking, isolating. A friend of mine Mattheal committed suicide recently, I thought about posting in the main thread, but I don't feel like I deserve to. I met him at the weekend of recovery, he was an amazing guy. I was terrified going to that weekend. I kept to myself for the most part. I cried myself to sleep the first night, I was going to leave the next day. You see, it pains me to the core I couldn't have known him and the others at that weekend more. I couldn't find it in me to reach out. But that weekend was probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The brotherhood between us, I didn't need to talk to connect. I held back tears many times when all of us were gathered. I remember thinking any one of these guys could have killed themselves but instead they're here. Such strength. I felt weak as a bitch, but the more I saw I realized, I was just as courageous as every single person there because they were just as scared as me. Mattheal was an amazing guy. He added levity to a kind of sinister atmostphere. He was the jokester, I immediately identified with him. He made it easier for me to be there, and I'm absolutely sure he helped us all. All of us at that weekend. That's who he was, he was a great fucking guy. I remember hiding in my room hearing everyone out talking in the living room area in my cabin. They talked for hours, I remember hearing Mattheal out there too. I only wish I could have had the courage to gone out there and connected with my comrades as well, but I didn't, and it eats me alive. At the end of the weekend we were grouped with two people to keep in contact with outside of the weekend. I was paired with Mattheal. I failed him, I did not do what my heart screamed for me to do because my brain told me the only thing I knew, fear. He texted me many times and I never answered but once. Why? I was afraid to connect. I would have rather it been me than him and I say that with all my fucking heart. I may be a lost cause, but it's him who everyone remembered at that weekend, he had a gift, probably many gifts. I'm selfish, I hold myself back completely. He could've helped so many people, I don't even appreciate my own life, what if killed myself instead of him, would it have changed his mind? I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, maybe I'm a waste, maybe I'm too far gone already, I don't know, but I would've wished he had the chance rather than me. He had a wife and a kid from what I remember, I have no one. But that's not how it is. For whatever reason, that's not the way it went. Mattheal I love you, I admire you, and I'd NEVER EVER hold it against you that you chose to leave us. I still think you're amazing because I know exactly where you were. At least now, I can feel a sort of security knowing you're no longer suffering. Wherever you are, I hope it's better. I wished and wish nothing but the best for you buddy.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

#464964 - 05/05/14 09:38 AM Re: To a friend of mine. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 699
Loc: where the shadows lie
I just found out tonight. I'm still reeling. Matt was an important and special guy. I don't know what his mind set was, but this should be a reminder that each one of us is much more important than we think we are. you are not a waste. you are not a lost cause. Grieve. Definitely grieve. and remember that death is so painful BECAUSE life is so precious. Each and every one of us.
Nothing there. It subsumed me. Black hole in time and space.

And yet.

It seemed like what I was made for.

to be used.

most natural thing in the world.

#465018 - 05/06/14 04:51 PM Re: To a friend of mine. [Re: CloudyFalls]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada

I think I have a good idea of what you're going through. I met another survivor once too. He was much older than I and we both had some common interests and several mutual friends, so we ended up becoming friends when we finally met. I didn't know he was a survivor though, and he didn't know I was either. It was only after we'd been friends for several years that he told me about being sexually abused when he was a kid when we were on the phone one night.

I listened and I supported him as best I could, but I didn't tell my own story. I wasn't near recovery at the time. It was still something I was burying as far away as I could. I tried to work up the courage to tell him my own story and tell him that it was ok and that he wasn't alone, but I wasn't able to and not too long after he disclosed, I got a phone call from one of our best friends who was calling to tell me that he had a stroke. He passed away after some time in hospital, and that conversation I wasn't able to bring myself to have before he passed away has probably been my biggest regret. Living with that on my back has been rough. I'm terribly sorry you're going through a similar situation. I know how badly it hurts - it rips horribly like nothing else.

I think that missing someone painfully after they're gone is one of the greatest tributes that can be paid. No matter what, the fact that you're grieving Mattheal so shows how important he was to you and how much you cared about him. I know rough it is for you right now. I know it hurts and I know it won't be easy, but hang in there. If you want to talk, please send me a private message.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.


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