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#464642 - 04/27/14 11:35 AM What do I say to a survivor?
Chris Anderson Offline

Executive Director
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 279
Loc: New York
The "Seeds" or "Keys" of Hope


Many people struggle with knowing what to say to survivors, especially when a survivor is just beginning to disclose. For survivors, it can be frustrating to hear that hope is possible while they continue to struggle with painful memories and feelings. For healing partners, it is often stressful to feel like they don’t know how to respond when a survivor shares with them.

MaleSurvivor believes that there are 3 necessary elements that make healing from many kinds of abuse and trauma possible: Hope, Healing, & Support. Each term means something specific within the context of recovery. Hope means the knowledge that a survivor is not alone, and that recovery is possible. Healingis the proactive effort to commit to doing the hard work of healing. And Support is both the professional and personal support survivors need from others that helps recharge and encourage us.

Quote:
As a way of helping give people a suggestion for how we can better respond to a disclosure from a survivor, MaleSurvivor staff developed these "seed" or "key" messages of hope that are intended to give others some suggestions for what they can say to a survivor that can empower survivors who disclose, and also to give survivors important reminders that they can hold onto when they are feeling frustrated, sad, or otherwise in a negative space.

The 4 “Seeds” or “Keys”:
1. You are not alone.
2. The abuse was not your fault.
3. It is possible to heal.
4. It is never too late.


Far from being the "right" thing to say (there is no such thing, sadly), these messages are key points that, for many survivors, are important to hear over and over again. It is very likely that the message may take time to sink in, but over time and repetition, the message that healing is possible can take root.

As many of you know, MaleSurvivor provides many world-class resources like this website and discussion forum community to men who have been sexually abused and their loved ones free of charge. Every year over 100,000 users come to this website, accessing more than 2 million pages of content.
If the information in this post, or anything here on the website, has been helpful to you, please make a donation to MaleSurvivor today. If everyone who read this post made just one $10 donation, MaleSurvivor's financial future would be solidified for years to come.


Edited by Chris Anderson (12/02/15 03:36 PM)

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#496212 - 03/04/16 02:49 PM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 245
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Can I ask if you would want to put a link in your post to the post I just did ... "I've come home at last" ?

I used to be very active in here, but as that post says .. got injured at work and had to take some time off to heal other injuries.

Only thing I can say is that I'm a little disappointed that I haven't heard from many of my OLD friends. I am active again after SPOTLIGHT won Best Picture. but if they are in any way involved in the organization, ... THEIR INBOX IS SWAMPED with messages.

I've been going to do another post in the closed forums .... The therapy session after SPOTLIGHT WON! ... VERY HEALING SESSION!!!

5. Get involved in this organization. It's a very healing experience. If you do you will find you will go from victim to SURVIVOR (the reason they changed from the old name to the new one for anyone who's been around as long as I have)


Edited by Chey-Wy (03/04/16 02:57 PM)
Edit Reason: Forgot to add something to 5.
_________________________
From "Lion King" "The Circle of Life" with Lyrics

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] (Repeat)

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [As lion and a leopard come to this open place]


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#497156 - 03/31/16 11:30 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
Chris Anderson Offline

Executive Director
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 279
Loc: New York
Hi Chey-Wy,

I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to reply, I'm just seeing this now. Can you post a link to the post you are referring to? I'd love to take a look at it.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling re-energized. Please feel free to drop me an email at canderson@malesurvivor.org and let m eknow if you have any other thoughts/ideas for how you'd like to connect and get more people reconnected to the org.

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#499379 - 06/19/16 09:12 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
Don't say the first time you meet them as you leave the room out loud that was the weirdest experience ever if they stammer severe and have signs of childhood abuse?
Don't say in a crowded room when the adult male survivor has disclosed some of there abuse in private conversation , That they knew a man who couldn't cuddle kids and adults as he,d get an erection ?
Don't call him a basket case ?
Don't say 4 weeks before your Wedding your child has been molested by a neighbours son which rips the adult male survivor world to pieces ?
Don't say to them if they Disclosed to neighbours they had been abused as children and the survivor gets attacked by the neighbours that's its your own fault for disclosing ?
Don't bring your friends round interrogating the survivor and offer no help ?
Don't move the survivor miles away and persecute him ?
Don't bring your friends or parents round and send the children down to dry his children from the bath when you know he has haphephobia and the onlookers look at him in disgust .
Don't play films which may trigger the adult male survivor as when you would bring friends round and play The Butter fly affect and laugh at the adult male survivor .
Don't bring 13 year old daughters round with the mothers and say out loud the child wants to lose her virginity on her birthday ?
Don't bring neighbours round to lock them selves in your daughters room as this will cause flashbacks and triggers for the adult male survivor ?
Don't use force marriage ?
Don't believe the abusers he has disclosed ?
Don't play games on him he will be very lost and confused if he has been abused by multiple abusers as a child if it is multiple abusers from his biological they will band together and gain selective mutism and memory ?
Don't humiliate his parental skills ?
Don't rob him blind in front of his face ?
Don't use parental alienation if he was a loving caring hard working protective father ?
Don't let him go to jail because he,s heartbroken and lost and aslo suffered sibling abuse ?
Don't have him arrested for sending a bunch of roses and a flowers and he had to stand in the same court as Myra and brady ?
I can forgive not like many small minded ignorant selfish people .
This is the part and parcel of disclosing severe childhood abuse as an adult male survivor , I crawled out the bucket a mute ?
BELIVE HIM XXXXX
Happy Fathers day everyone x
Laughter is the Sun
That takes away the winter
from the face x
JA
The sign of a Mute x
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499380 - 06/19/16 09:23 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
The Poltergeists
The Blessings
The 2 Faceless nuns on the stairs
The snarling dog wouldn't enter
when the spirit erupted ?
I know who the Nuns are now xxx
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499382 - 06/19/16 09:55 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
Offer the adult male survivor compassion care and understanding take him to a mental health crisis team or a doctor don't laugh at him and say he has Bipolar , dont persecute him .
Seek him help immediately xxx
Let this be a lesson for society and the world ?
Ive been treated worse then an animal ,I felt like a piece of shit , this is my first year ive felt like a human being ?
If anyone wants to get me for defamation please step forward .
As I am not that little stuttering bastard anymore ?
How now Brown cow x
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499383 - 06/19/16 10:10 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
Don't laugh at some stuttering freak who stammers and every time he stammers it feels like he,s being drowned and has flashbacks as a child being drowned and beaten in the bath ?
Do any other male survivors have phobia,s from childhood ?
Abluphobia
pedophobia
Philophobia
Atelophobia
Glossophobia
Haphephobia
Sociophobia
Hypersexuality
Genophobia
Escapism
Workaholic
Addictions
PAS
Sibling abuse
Do not live in Silence x
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499384 - 06/19/16 11:35 AM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
To all the fathers and grand fathers who abuse there children in either Mental , physical or sexual ways ,you fucking disgust me .
While all them fake fathers wear there mask of betrayal and lies and sin , some fathers many victims of childhood abuse are abandoned and lost in a sea of Discrimination , ridicule and persecuted and attacked who have never harmed there children ?
Happy fake fathers day to all you cunts xxx ?
I don't get a fathers day card im looked at like shit ,
I don't know how it feels to be in a loving caring protective family since childhood all the way through my adult life , my kids told me to fuck off on the phone and im loser ?
But left me a Winners medal ???
Not one of my abusers can sit at a table and lay there cards ?
Why wont anyone fight back ?
The Government
The Police
The papers
The news
Society
Im this monster
The Basket case
The stuttering freak
The Evil Father
Id shag anything cat dog don't trust me next to a pot hole I might shag that ?
Why are my childhood abusers around my 3 kids ?
When ive had no access for 10 years ?
I delivered all my children They seen my face first I have never ever harmed my children .
I looked at adult porn to feel normal , I went to adult prostitutes to feel normal ,I contemplated swinging with adults to feel normal , id see my childhood abusers face in my wifes face when having sex .
Id work 7 days a week 12 to 24 hours a day to feel normal
I took cocaine and ectasy and vodka to escape .
I had Agraphobia if anyone went near my children
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499385 - 06/19/16 12:53 PM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
All World leaders are child murderers
They cause Death destruction starvation and persecution
They live in there bubbles of love and joy at home but when daddy or mummy go to work we cannot be adult enough to sit round a table and resolve the problem like adults .
To be honest I think the worlds a very sick place as seen through the eyes of a mute , everyone quick to judge if the book doesn't fit the cover treated like a dirty secret no one can know , Freedom of speech freedom of expression who gives a fuck who you worship , the world is a fractured place , that makes trillions out of weapons of mass destruction , following your every move online , racism , discrimination .
All my arse the lot of them
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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#499386 - 06/19/16 01:09 PM Re: What do I say to a survivor? [Re: Chris Anderson]
TheWarrior Offline


Registered: 06/16/16
Posts: 11
Loc: Englnd
I just wanted someone to get hold of me and say we,ll help you ?
They,d let me work 7 days a week
Comfortably numb ?
Laughing at me saying I was bipolar and all the other shit ive had to endure in my life and not one of them offered to help me , is it was okay when they fell on hard times and id help them back up ?
I got to making upto 5k a day and I hated it in the end ,
Money and fame ?
Elvis died all alone escaping reality
Marilyn Monroe alone escaping reality
Robin Williams alone escaping reality
He once said
I think the saddest people
Always try their hardest to make
people happy
because they know what its like
to feel absolutely worthless and
they don't want anyone else
to feel like that
I can relate
I think a lot of us can
Im sat at home ive lost everything
I ever worked for and had to fight
against all odds to survive and learn to
use eye contact stop my facial contortions
my spasms and severe stammer ,all my abusers
are playing happy families hiding behind kids
I was the test dummy Simple Jack ?
No father day card for me ?
We all know what happens behind closed doors ?
_________________________
I'm recovering from severe Childhood abuse disability abuse and PAS and sibling abuse , I have many phobias ,mental trauma , triggers flashbacks ,hoping to meet other adult meet other adult male survivors on our recovery.
Thanks

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