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#464446 - 04/23/14 03:25 AM Honesty and fantasy during intimacy
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Find I can't worry about others' honesty that much when it comes to recovery issues, including recovery from CSA. What I need to focus on is my honesty - my being willing to put myself out there.

Being honest about things, such as my struggles with CSA recovery, and other matters is more important than worrying about whether others are being for real or not. I can only make changes in my behavior, not others.

For example, I have continued concerns about fantasy during intimacy, though other areas have transformed and healed tremendously. The fantasies are related to humiliation, directly tied to CSA and its aftereffects since. So, I know it is not the healthiest thing for me, but things are so much better than they used to be years ago, I don't get too caught up in it. Still, I wonder if at some level such fantasies during intimacy are holding me back a bit. This is another challenge as I continue to peal the onion layer back in recovery as it were.

Anyway, I'm grateful that that is the most salient struggle related to my CSA recovery at this time. Believe me, there have been much more far-reaching problems that that in the past. And to that improvement I owe my thanks in part to fellow journeyers recovering from their own CSA such as those on this forum.

#464459 - 04/23/14 12:28 PM Re: Honesty and fantasy during intimacy [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Hi KC,

I have read the only balance to power is love and compassion. Abuse, for me, is a massive abuse of power. I still have serious issues I deal with, and have found the difficult ones, the ones that are with me still at 64, do respond to love and compassion. I have learned over time to let go of judgment and just send love and compassion. It is very, very slow work, and, for me is a melting process. A very slow melting process. What I experience is what has to change is my thinking. Since the damage done to me was early and deep, the love and compassion process is gentle, indirect, and apparently shores up the damaged places in my foundation in the perfect order. So, my learning isn't a straight line but flat plains followed by occasional leaps in understanding. I find my brain rewriting itself at soon to be 65 in areas I didn't even know or understand a year ago.

I hope you give yourself all the love, compassion and patience you deserve.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#464461 - 04/23/14 01:01 PM Re: Honesty and fantasy during intimacy [Re: kcinohio]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3785
Hello KC

It is important that you focus on your recovery and healing. I know it is difficult to ignore those around you who are not being real. It is your journey and you should surround yourself with people who are real and give you support.

You are dealing with feelings you were left with during abuse--feeling devalued. It takes time and as you continue to heal, and you have made great progress--you deserve it--these feelings will wane.

I agree with Don, it is important to give love and compassion to others, it opens your heart and mind. It allows you to receive others love and compassion. This two way exchange validates who you are and the value you are.

I think we all harbor residual effects from CSA. Will we ever be 100% free of the abuse-probably not but we can get close to this goal. For you, during intimacy you have thoughts of humiliation, which is understandable because of what was done to you. As you continue to heal and accept you are valuable these thoughts should subside. Intimacy, depending on the level of your relationship with the other party and how the other party treats you, should be fulfilling and free of thoughts that you are not of value. It enriches the experience.

KC, keep going as you have--you are healing and like all of us there is always another turn we must maneuver.


#464466 - 04/23/14 04:37 PM Re: Honesty and fantasy during intimacy [Re: kcinohio]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
That is awesome on your great progress over time.

I like the idea of being loving and kind to ourselves as we grow.

The whole arena of intimacy can be quite mystifying. I know some, including me, were troubled by SSA.

Maybe here is a chance you would naturally like a submissive role at times? Nothing wrong with that. You may have been that way all your life.

My wife likes to be submissive in a role play way sometimes. I used to think being dominant was abusive behavior. She liked it and I felt weird at first. It is occasional fun now. But it is consensual in a loving relationship. The setting of a loving relationship changes things. But it took time for those things to change in my mind.

All I am saying is to love and be patient with yourself as you explore possibilities in your intimate side of life. When it is resolved in your heart it will fade into the proper place.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#464476 - 04/24/14 12:29 AM Re: Honesty and fantasy during intimacy [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the responses.

Don64, you have a great way of presenting your journey.Like your emphasos on love and compassion here.

KMCinVA, yes, I think accepting one's value is one of those ongoing challenges I have. While I can get there, usually requires some twists and turns, rather than head on.

On the Fringe, thanks for pointing out the consensual in a loving relationship is what's important. I could still use some growth in open communication about sex with a partner (seems easier with others in recovery when not involved with them). I tend to err toward not rocking the boat with my partner.


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