This last post of yours is so rich with depth and meaning that I decided to quote the whole thing! :-)
These days I'm more and more in touch with the fear I feel around the subject of sexuality. I really appreciate this thread and the ability to recognize that a lot of compulsion of the sexual kind is based on a response which is of a frightening nature. It takes a lot of wisdom and courage to stay with this, but it's really helpful to get to the primary emotions that are there.
It's kind of like fear says one thing, and reality and caring another. There is a desire to withdraw into the crappy isolation and another to reach out and speak what is being felt. It's hard to look at someone, feel scared, and then talk about other things that make connecting possible. Hard just to breathe. It's really hard but I'm trying to make the right choice.
Thanks for being here.
I totally agree and it IS challenging to stick with the healing process and not get overpowered by negative feelings. I had a similar experience to the one I originally mentioned in this thread fairly recently. Again, I failed to take care of myself in the presence of a very important woman in my life (an acquaintance who I was having strong feelings of warm-hearted attraction to who I had invited for coffee/tea). The anger when my fantasy didn't pan out as I had imagined it, got intense, so did a sexual urge to masturbate not long after. Once I dumped my load, the anger disappeared.
I think it reflects an old (and now unhealthy) way that I have resolved a conflict in myself. I feel anger because I'm feeling hurt by an important woman in my life and I want to protect myself. If I express my anger, I fear losing her support (which in my youth, was certain death), I also fear the protective instincts of other males (like my father) who are strongly programmed to protect the women (another death threat...my father was a military officer).
The solution lies in a completely different cultural paradigm at a sexual level: Create a loving mutually supportive context amongst men. Help each other (as we are doing here) to heal at a sexual level. Once that is firmly established in my life, start expanding that new culture to include women if at all possible.
It's a completely different world from the one I grew up in. Hence the fear. I'm up against not only my parents, but the entire culture of my youth.
These conversations with you and the other guys here are a small crack in that cultural edifice. It's a crack that lets the love and the light in and gives me hope that I CAN heal and live a life worth living. It also gives me hope that I can contribute to a much better world than the one that is showing strong signs of falling apart around me.
Thanks for writing and thanks so much for reaching out to me when I was sick last winter. My body struggles severely at times. I've faced what I thought was imminent death many times. That was one of them. It was nice to feel valued and loved for a change when I was struggling so deeply.
Sincerely and in gratitude to you,