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#464022 - 04/13/14 02:33 AM So Tired!
binks Offline

Registered: 05/01/13
Posts: 3
Everything said here makes so much sense. I love this site (although I only seem to post once a year or so).

I'm trying so hard to be supportive of my partner of 10 years but I actually feel as if im now taking a nose dive. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of being blamed for everything and I'm feeling like I need some care, myself.

To make things worse, I'm now drinking far too much. I finally (at the age of 41) understand why people do it - to forget. Can't say I blame them.

I'm so tired. How do I look after myself while not abandoning him?

#464023 - 04/13/14 02:39 AM Re: So Tired! [Re: binks]
binks Offline

Registered: 05/01/13
Posts: 3
And yes, I know booze is not the answer. But can anyone suggest a way of initiating a discussion, that doesnt involve blame and accusation? I feel as if I try so hard and nothing works. Clearly im doing it wrong. I just don't know how to do it right!

#464030 - 04/13/14 01:34 PM Re: So Tired! [Re: binks]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Let me know when you find that discussion method: that might be the magic key. I'm not drinking, but am also tired of being the scapegoat/dumping ground.

I'm sorry I can't help, but I assure you I relate.

Do you have plans to cut back on drinking and replace it with anything, like outings, or joining Meetup or anything?

#464394 - 04/22/14 03:17 PM Re: So Tired! [Re: binks]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I can't put this in short words but I recommend "Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships" by Dr. Schnarch. It was an eye-opener in terms of communication patterns and growth cycles in marriage for me. It really helps in seeing how to stand your own ground and at the same time being supportive and growing as a person as well as growing closer in your relationship. (It is also quite explicit in its examples so be careful if you're easily triggered.)

#464856 - 05/01/14 01:53 PM Re: So Tired! [Re: binks]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
I tried every type of communication I could think of. H was still angry and still blamed me for everything. Over time I gained weight started drinking more frequently and started to dread going home at the end of the day. Home became a place that I felt unwelcome like I was an intruder in "his" space. I'm really hoping that your situation has gotten this bad yet if it has I feel for you.
In my situation whichs sounds like it may be similar I decided to leave. I did it for both of us. I told H I love him and don't want a divorce but I can't allow him to treat me in such a manner. Sometimes I think stepping away from a survivor can be good for them as it helps them see how messed up their actions are and that if they don't get help their life can become very uncomfortable.
I honestly don't feel like I'm abandoning my H. I'm abandoning his anger and denial. I'm abandoning his mistreatment of me but I'm still there for the man I love. It was a hard to admit to myself that staying under the same roof while he isn't working toward healing is a bad idea for both of us. I was sinking with him instead of being his port in the storm like I want to be. Now that there is some separation I'm much more able to be a healthy support for him because I no longer feel his anger arrows on a daily basis. At this point he doesn't want a divorce either so he was been very pleasant when we interact.
If you keep trying and trying and things don't change then I would consider putting some distance between you for awhile. Its a really scarry step but in some situations can be a healthy one for both of you.
For a couple years I tried everything I could think to not let his stuff drag me down. I won't say its impossible but unless you are buddah or jesus being around a destructive person 24*7 will wear most of us out.
Everything comes from within


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