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#463943 - 04/10/14 09:36 PM My Brother Shot His Head Off
Jed777 Offline

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 46
Loc: New York State
My brother was born just before I was two years old. As long as I can remember, he was getting the attention from our parents I wanted. I treated him like he was the enemy. He treated me like I was a fool because he knew it aggravated me. My parents' friends said we would grow out of it, but in my heart I vowed I would never like my brother.

When I was abused at 15, I didn't tell anyone. It was my secret. Even though I didn't like my brother, the rivalry and the cruel pranks would sometimes fade into the background. On one such occasion I told my brother that I had been abused. He didn't react with horror or even surprise. He just said, I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Bad idea! At the time I did not realize just how bad.

We got naked and beat each other off. He seemed to enjoy it. In fact he seemed in to it. Later I found out that in elementary school he had been abused by one of his teachers. The teacher would have him over to his house, give him alcohol, and have sex with him.

Our relationship went from bad to worst. I started making sexual advance on my brother and he objected. Sometimes I backed off and sometimes I didn't.

He told my sister, she told my Dad, and my Dad threatened to kill me if I touched my brother again.

Years passed, he went his way and I went mine. I got married and he was unable to come to terms with my marriage. He flew from out of state to come to the wedding, but he just was unable to get himself to go to the wedding.

My experiment with marriage failed. I started seeing a gay therapist and went through a coming out experience. I felt I was finally in a place where I could make peace with my brother. He was not interested. He was intimidated by my openly gay behavior.

He was very vulnerable and needy. He was also very empathic and intelligent. He had a steady boy friend who was very good for him. His boy friend knew how to care of him most of the time. One day my brother came home and he got the impression that his boy friend had cheated on him. It was not true, but he was totally irrational. He knew where a shotgun was kept. He put the barrel to his chin and pulled the trigger.

The shock of his death was beyond description. I had a sense of responsibility because I had treated him bad and abused him sexually. I could not think or feel. I was overwhelmed. I was still in therapy at the time and a few weeks later I called my therapist between weekly sessions and told him I had to see him as soon as possible. I woke that morning with a calm sense of resolve that I would go to the Golden Gate Bridge and jump off. I had the presence of mind to realize that I needed help. My therapist helped me acknowledge that I wanted to die and that it was a bad idea to kill myself. For the next six weeks I lived with a conscious desire to end my life and hung on to life with a reasoned sense that it wasn't a good idea to do so.

I numbed my senses by going to gay bathhouses. I couldn't feel. I could barely think. My therapist had me keep a journal. The writing helped some. Ultimately it was time and refocusing my attention that got me through.

#463945 - 04/10/14 10:19 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3789

I am so sorry for what you experienced--the loss of your brother through suicide. His abuse began long before you. He was affected by his abuse and you by yours. You cannot hold yourself responsible for what happened to him. He struggled and as a friend has said, he struggled the best he could. The demons we carry affect each of us differently.

I am sorry the relationship with your brother was always strained. It cannot be changed and probably gives you a different perspective on life. We never know if there will be a tomorrow and without tomorrows we can undo what has been done or even say I understand or I am sorry.

Stay strong, heal and remember you were abused and your brother too was abused. You both carried demons and I am happy you are facing yours.

#463946 - 04/10/14 10:26 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
Greg56 Offline

Registered: 01/10/14
Posts: 144
Loc: Upstate NY
Sorry to hear of your losses. Good for you that you can write a journal...I have two of them...never used. I'm also glad you're seeing a therapist to help you to get through all of this.

"I am here...they are not...I own my strength and power...they do not"

#463953 - 04/11/14 03:41 AM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
Dave PNW Offline

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Jed, I am so sorry for your pain and the loss of your brother. ((((Jed)))) Writing has helped me too. I process a lot of what I am working through by writing. Somehow it helps to say it first there before I can say it out loud. Take care and keep writing. Dave.

#463956 - 04/11/14 04:18 AM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2836
Jed -

The pain of suicide is unlike anything in the world. I survived both sexual abuse and the suicide of my best friend, and while the former brought me more dysfunctions, the latter brought me more tears. Surviving the suicide of another is just huge, and reading what you wrote makes me realize we may have walked similar paths out of that darkness.

Surviving suicide puts you in a unique and very sad club. There are others who can share, though - and that helps. If you ever feel you need to talk, I'm here.


#463958 - 04/11/14 12:09 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
OCN Offline

Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 399
Loc: Western Europe
Wow.. very sorry to read this Jed.. hope you have found a way to cope with this and not blame yourself for it..

Wish you all the best Jed!!

Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

#463975 - 04/11/14 08:47 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
so sorry.


#463976 - 04/11/14 09:53 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
jd123 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA

I am really sorry for your loss. You are not responsible for your brother's choice, irrational moment that can never be relived. Please remember you and your brother are both victims of sexual are dealing with yours. Keep it up.



#463983 - 04/12/14 12:50 AM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
jed- with heartfelt compassion, i am so very sorry.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#464306 - 04/20/14 10:35 PM Re: My Brother Shot His Head Off [Re: Jed777]
Jed777 Offline

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 46
Loc: New York State
Thank you all for your support!


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