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#463701 - 04/05/14 04:13 PM Update: the not great and the amazing
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I have been busy: kid hospitalized, other kids changing schools, life events, that sort of thing. I've finally realized that my years out of the work force (in any form) have rendered me unemployable, so H and I agreed to use part of the tax return to invest in some antiques to sell. I missed doing this for side money, I'm good at it, and here I am doing it again...if I can find an affordable place to set up a sales booth. It will happen.

My meditation has really improved, and my new friends have proven to be trustworthy and supportive, without asking for details about H that I'm not willing to share. Good stuff!

Our younger teen has admitted to self harming, though, and I'm now searching for a psychiatrist who specializes in self-harm as well as abuse. I hate to admit that H's PTSD and maybe my own might have contributed to this. I'm beating myself up, but have hope that if I can heal, and seeing the healing it's prompted in H, my child can, too.

H's reactions as he goes through therapy have been unpredictable. We took a vacation and all was well, only to see him closed off when we got home. It struck me that the vacation was very much as if he had a chance to play pretend and not be himself for a few days. It saddens me. I'm actually not sure what he is or isn't addressing in T, as he refuses to tell me. That breaks my heart; I'm not asking for details, I just need to know generally so that I can make routine adjustments and help give him space if it's apparent that he needs it and is unable to ask for it. Sex is still an issue, both in frequency and intimacy, and I'm simply tired of asking or pushing, so I stopped asking at all. I sense that it creates a feeling of being used or of obligation in H, so I'm backing of altogether and going back to non-sexual intimacy for now. When he's ready, he'll ask, right?

He's been more controlling as he gets deeper into T, and I've firmed up my boundaries accordingly, which angers him. I think "too bad", knowing that my boundaries are for me, not intending to hurt him. He's showing unexpressed expectations, a lot of anger, but no more rage. This week when our child came to us and admitted cutting, H yelled (initial reaction), caught himself, then had a beautifully emotional talk in which he outlined everything he's survived in life, including an absent father and sex abuse. He affirmed that he will not leave his stepson hanging in the lurch, as he was left at that age. I can only imagine how triggering for H the kid's pain can be.

I'm proud of him. I'm also proud of myself for creating newer gentler but firm boundaries, for looking for income streams that aren't within 'the norm" and for being creative again.

#463950 - 04/11/14 01:25 AM Re: Update: the not great and the amazing [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY


Good to hear of your progress. It sounds like there has been some small amount of growth on different fronts, which is always better than having to be preoccupied and worried about just one. Hope you can gain and shore up support to continue along this path.

Originally Posted By: Airmid
H's reactions as he goes through therapy have been unpredictable. We took a vacation and all was well, only to see him closed off when we got home. It struck me that the vacation was very much as if he had a chance to play pretend and not be himself for a few days. It saddens me.

This part sounds a bit familiar. Vacations can be a time to breathe and step away from the recovery work, only to be reminded of how much more needs to be done. Escaping is good for a while but in the end its a double-edged sword. Finding the resources to face things gradually comes from within and requires a kind of caring and dedicated effort. Unfortunately, this lies a little beyond the feeling of letting go that getting away provides.

Take the good, I say. It's worth appreciating.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#464031 - 04/13/14 01:43 PM Re: Update: the not great and the amazing [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
After last night, I don't know that I want to do this any more.

He's so angry. That, I understand. But I'm his dumping ground for all that is wrong with the world, and he always chooses date night. Any other time? He won't discuss it because he says my timing is wrong (avoidance)...before work, after work, too late at night, he's watching TV, he' get the picture.

Last night I was told that I need to essentially get it together and make better decisions to relieve his stress. He insists the kids be schooled a specific way, and dismisses my input. He's their stepdad, for crying out loud. I told him last night that one of the kids asked about H's CSA inadvertent disclosure last week, and that I told them to ask him. He got out of the war (we were in our driveway by then), came inside, and went to bed.

Life itself is his trigger right now. This therapy is. Not. Working. He has no coping skills, and if I disagree with anything about him, tell him any of my needs aren't being met, then I'm "attacking" him.

We can't move due to finances, yet he's the one who insisted on controlling the finances, until things got bad. Then I was blamed for not controlling the finances. At this point, I don't even want to attempt MC until he's stable.

I'm so close to being done. Sex once a month, no intimacy, blame game, always angry, controlling while this ever going to end? Not soon, I imagine, because his college intern therapist through the counseling center is leaving in a month. This is the third therapist there, and he's refusing to see a T who specializes in CSA.

It feels like progress is fake. I see why I'm depressed. I think my own T needs to be re-started.


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