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#463895 - 04/09/14 07:24 PM ?
ConfusedConflict Offline

Registered: 04/09/14
Posts: 4

Edited by ConfusedConflict (05/09/14 06:17 PM)

#463905 - 04/09/14 08:49 PM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
overwhelmed1975 Offline

Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
No, that is something he has to share when he is ready. He trusted you and told you. It reinforce his lack of trust in people if you started sharing with anyone, even his family. You do not know what their reaction will be. What if they turned on him?

#463906 - 04/09/14 09:04 PM ? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
ConfusedConflict Offline

Registered: 04/09/14
Posts: 4

#463926 - 04/10/14 09:59 AM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I would feel quite betrayed if an extremely personal thing like that was told.

It would be adding betrayal of trust on top of the abuse!

It takes a long time to be able to trust, being betrayed like that would set back the growth made in learning to trust people.

It would be a second wave of damage in learning to trust people and have normal relationships,

You have no way of knowing his family won't turn on him. People do strange things when CSA is the topic.

Maybe you wait and watch a little, while maintaining a standard of how he treats you. His past abuse is no excuse for you to be treated poorly now.

It can get better. I used things learned in AA, coming here for a while, and talked with a woman friend in AA to help me. I think I have a decent relationship with my wife smile. Lasted a long time.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#463930 - 04/10/14 02:07 PM ? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
ConfusedConflict Offline

Registered: 04/09/14
Posts: 4
I feel better

#463931 - 04/10/14 02:09 PM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: ConfusedConflict
I was really angry but now I've finally released myself from it as I realize he wasn't trying to hurt me he's just a hurt puppy himself and he's lashing out.


This seems like the best perspective to hold on to. At some point, his family may recognize this behavior as well. If they do come to you in a sincere effort to help him that may be your moment to look for a safe way to disclose something.

Beyond that, you can only do what you can and recognize that you are a caring person acting responsibly.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#463948 - 04/11/14 12:30 AM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
As a survivor I believe the secret is his secret. He needs to be ready to share. No one knows how others will react to the news--they may go into denial, re-victimize him, or start putting different spins on to what happened to him and how the abuse has impacted his life. Not everyone is understanding, kind and compassionate. He needs to be ready to deal whatever the reaction may be. Sharing his secret may put him in a position he is not ready to face or handle.

You need to approach with caution and his approval to tell his secret--


#463969 - 04/11/14 05:30 PM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I wouldn't assume that telling anyone on his behalf will result in helping him (or them) in any way.

Family members can have a mixed bag of reactions and while it would be great if they all leaned towards super supportive, don't count on it. My H's parents took 4 YEARS to actually have a conversation with us about his abuse. It was kind of 'late to the party' to say the least.

I didn't tell them. H did.....and I'm glad for that fact since it hurt him immensely that they pretended to not deal with it.

#463978 - 04/11/14 10:21 PM Re: Do I keep his secret a secret? [Re: ConfusedConflict]
jd123 Offline

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA
NO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>It isnt your place to tell. It is his abuse not yours.


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