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#463774 - 04/07/14 12:14 AM's real and I'm messed up.....
g35dw888 Offline

Registered: 03/06/14
Posts: 5
Loc: TX
I'm 34 years old. I'm a husband and a father. I have alot of responsibilities to raise happy healthy kids and be a good husband. But I have not been able to because of my csa and I've been denying for years that it actually exists. Now that I acknowledge it. Things are starting to unravel. My sanity. My wife wants to leave because she feels like I have been lying to her through out our entire marriage. I am letting her vent instead of not allowing her room to be angry and it has really gotten hard for me and for my wife. I've decided to recover and she thinks it's just a tactic to get her to stay like another manipulation tool. I don't feel like that's what it is. But I don't know what to tell her other than I do love her and I want to be married which I really do. So this is it I'm here and I can't go back so hi everyone! smile I'm just realizing this is a hard road I'm on.

#463775 - 04/07/14 12:31 AM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3748

Welcome. Remember you have a lot of suppressed anger and hurt. Many have been where you are. Remember we have been lying to ourselves for a lifetime about the abuse and how it affected us. We buried and it raises it ugly head throughout our lives.

If you are committed to healing you can show her the steps you are taking--support, a therapist and seeking your space. Encourage her to seek competent support from someone who understands CSA and trauma. Some have had spouses who went for help from psychiatrists and therapists who did not understand or have knowledge (they were of a breed of all knowing)and what they heard was not the reality of CSA and trauma. It can be destructive. So both you and your wife need to delve into their backgrounds in dealing and understanding trauma and CSA.

She needs to take care of herself and you need to take care of yourself. You both need to heal, for you it is difficult because you have years of buried emotions, hurt and pain. Show her you are taking the necessary steps. If it is not sufficient for her, the outcome for you will be a life you can live on your terms and you will find happiness. If she accepts then together you will find the long term happiness.

Please seek help and remember at MS we are here for you, to support you and not to judge you.

You need to feel safe and post when you are comfortable. We all have our stories and past but together we can have the happy tomorrows.

Heal well


#463780 - 04/07/14 02:35 AM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hello g35,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but hopeful for you now that you have arrived at MS. I am also sorry that you do not have the type of support you truly need and deserve.

I get a sense of the responsibility you feel, the confusion of all this coming to you now, the concern for your family and the desire to hold all of it together.
I get this sense because I and many others have dealt with very similar circumstances, we get it.

The disfunction you describe is common, your not alone in this this.

I want to make note of how you expressed something in your post. I am sure it is how you feel, but I want to be very clear. It is not your CSA, the CSA was committed against you. A crime that caused you harm as a child was perpetrated against you, without your consent.
It may seem like semantics, but I find how we say something is as important, if not more important that the content itself. It was not your fault, you hold no responsibility for what was done to you. If nothing else, become aware of this one truth.

Welcome and keep well.
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#463802 - 04/07/14 05:17 PM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4199
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio

about 2 1/2 years ago, i was pretty much where you are now. i started therapy, worked on re-earning my wife's trust and love, and she eventually joined me in therapy. we made it. our life together and our relationship are better than ever. we have a new-found intimacy that we had never before enjoyed.

keep working at it, man! it is a hard road, as you say, but you can do this. you made it this far - through the worst of it already.

wishing you all the best as you carry on,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#463813 - 04/07/14 07:47 PM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2747
Hi, G35 and welcome -

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, is it? I never imagined myself to be on this road, and although it has been difficult and challenging, I have not regretted for a minute that I started the journey.

Please tell your wife about the Friends and Family forum here at MaleSurvivor. She will likely find many other spouses, partners and friends of survivors and it can be an excellent tool for her to find some perspective with this. The fact that you have given her the space to be angry says a lot about you. It says that you are selfless, giving and devoted - that you think beyond yourself - that you have room on this journey for her as well. We can only hope - like you - that she will come to appreciate that and walk beside you as the kind of support that is so important to the work of healing.

Lean on us.

#463831 - 04/08/14 03:35 AM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 511
Loc: Ohio
Hi g35,

Hope you are finding support here at MS. My experience is it does take a while, but things do get better eventually.

Thank you for your introduction.

#463920 - 04/10/14 03:36 AM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome g35,

I too was where you are not too long ago. You betcha this is a hard road to be on. But once you've tried everything else to escape it, the only road left is the one that leads to facing it headon.

Consider getting yourself into therapy, and asking your wife to consider couples therapy as well. You can't do this alone, and it will take all the resources you can muster. In the meantime you've got about 12,000 guys on this website who get what you are going through. We're not therapists but we can offer you support without judgement. Get movin'!

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#463971 - 04/11/14 07:56 PM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
learning2luvme Offline

Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 50

Seems like I go through ups and downs of reading this forum as I vacillate through periods of fortune and sometimes despair. Sometimes I find words of encouragement, sometimes I find words of caution, but one thing for will find unconditional love.

Like you I hid my childhood abuse from everyone for my entire life, living two very separate broken and scared, the other...perfect in every way. I could switch between the two personalities and lives at the drop of a hat...why?...because we are the best actors in the world.

Eventually, the emotional swings caught up with me and 35 years of hiding took it's toll on me to the point of self destruction. At the lowest point in my life, there next to me was the most amazing woman in the world, who despite my poor actions and choices and over 20 years of marriage, forgave me and got me the professional help that I needed.

There are four mantras we live by:

1. Be open and honest in all things (no secrets no matter what...NO SECRETS)
2. Constant and confirmed communication (We verbally verify we are on the same page before, during, and after communicating)
3. Be Present and Feel (no more zoning off.. you have to be present in conversations, it's ok to cry)
4. Remember the little things (small gestures of love you did while dating)
5. Repeat 1 thru 4.

These mantras are written on our bathroom mirror. We see it every day and we use them as a couple to continue healing and repairing our relationship. I will tell you it is not easy. I, her, us have shed many tears through this process and we have had our share of obstacles...yet we are committed to healing and putting our lives back together.

I highly recommend professional counseling. My wife see's the same counselor that I do which has really helped us as our therapist has skillfully helped each other to understand abuse, acting out, and ultimately what it means to be married to a CSA survivor.

It will get better. It will take work. You can do this. Do not give up hope. Commit to change, both of you...and above hard as it is and as awkward as it is....get the issues out on the table and you'll make even faster progress. If your wife would like to speak confidentially with mine and offer support and encouragement I'm sure she would be happy to help. Trust me...I've been there and done just about every awful thing a man can do....but you can beat this :-).

Best of luck to you and your family!

#464184 - 04/17/14 12:28 AM Re:'s real and I'm messed up..... [Re: g35dw888]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6384
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
welcome, g35dw888,

powerful intro.

i totally relate to your words...

I've decided to recover and she thinks it's just a tactic to get her to stay like another manipulation tool. I don't feel like that's what it is. But I don't know what to tell her other than I do love her and I want to be married which I really do. So this is it I'm here and I can't go back

my marriage survived my survival
and i work hard to keep it that way.
our wedding was 23 years ago.
and i recommit every day.

you are right.
you are here, and you can't go back.
so forward it is!



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