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#463776 - 04/07/14 01:06 AM I snapped. *Triggers*
carperson Offline

Registered: 10/30/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Hawaii
There is no excuse for what I did. I snapped and screamed then I beat my brother. He didn't do anything but say that he thinks I need help. That I seem to be acting psycho. I told him to leave me alone and he grabbed my shoulders and shook me. Telling me I need help so I pushed him to the ground and we fought. But it was not a fight. I beat him. I am so much bigger then him and he got hurt. He told me off and left, saying he's not coming back. He's 18. I can't make him come back. I don't know what to do. I promised my self that I would stay alive for him. But now he hates me and I hate my self. I don't deserve a second chance and I don't think I deserve all I do have but I'm worried about what he'll think of me if I give up. I can't let him blame himself because it's not his fault. It's mine. It's all mine and it always has been. I could have stopped it all if I had just opened my mouth when I was five. But I buried it and forgot it. I don't know what to think anymore and it hurts just to breath. I am pretty drunk right now, but it doesn't help. It still hurts. I wanna go to him and tell him I'm sorry and I won't do it again but that may be a lie and he don't deserve to be hurt by me. I hurt him enough. I just wanna give up so bad but I can't yet but there is nothing I can do. I'm gonna get fired for missing work and then what? I won't even be able to pay for his dr. I'll be fully useless. I'm so confused. Is there any hope left or did I ruin it all?
Here to help my brother and maybe my self.

#463790 - 04/07/14 01:23 PM Re: I snapped. *Triggers* [Re: carperson]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Go get yourself help. Now. Things can be better. But you're in a bad place. From that bad place, you cannot help anyone. So take care of yourself.

Edited by HopeDiesLast (04/08/14 03:06 PM)

#463844 - 04/08/14 12:24 PM Re: I snapped. *Triggers* [Re: carperson]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856
You need support and professional help. I have learned anyone that violates a person or persons property or sense of freedom, inflicts any form of unwanted physical contact and has tendency to anger that damages a person or property needs help. I experienced and understand, for me it triggered the past. For your brother he saw the damaged person but fear will keep him away. I have discussed these type of actions with professionals and they strongly recommend counseling for those who undertake these actions. Sadly many do not see the need for help and surround themselves with others who believe these actions are acceptable and this creates a vicious cycle of unhappiness for all. There is no shame in seeking help, we all carry issues and wounds, and seeking help is a sign of strength. You want your brother back and rightfully he knows your actions are a cry for help. Now you need to find a way to heal so he can begin to see the good in you. Now he has fear--fear is not always dependent on size of the person but rather the actions, the emotions and expressions that occurred during the act and how others react to these acts. Fear will keep him away and distant from you. I have fears and will never allow others to put me in a position to trigger the abuse.

Please seek help because you are aware of your actions and outcome. The underlying rage was triggered from your past abuse and/or other emotional issues that you harbor.

I wish you well and I can tell you facing your past will allow you to heal and build a life you deserve.



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