Lee and Peroperic,
Thank you for the birthday wishes and kind and encouraging words.
It has a wonderful year for me. Saying goodbye to 57 and hello to 58 went with some celebration. A quiet dinner last Friday at a favorite restaurant in DC, a dinner party on Saturday and last night a little more quiet (getting too old for the marathon celebrations) and many kind notes and words from friends from old and new. It is when you endure difficult times in life, you truly learn who are your friends and family and those that can stand by and give you the love and support one needs to heal. I have learned there are many kind and compassionate people in this world. Thank you Lee and Peroperic and those that sent PMs. I appreciate the kind wishes.
Throughout the weekend everyone echoed to me the words Lee and Peroperic wrote here. I think when one is living through the healing process they do not see profound change that is occurring within like those around you see. It made me reflect back on last year and I now realize it truly was year of positive growth and change. When I began the year I could not have expected so much support, love and compassion from so many people. I know I could have not traveled this journey without you and so many others who came into my life, many after I began to unravel.
As I expressed at the dinner party, I do have a void with my children. A friend, who is has served in several high level medical positions in the violent and repressed places throughout the world gave perspective and after I deciphered his words I understood. He said your void is their void. One day they will be haunted by what you lived, their failure to accept the “contumelious” actions and words that raised your “involuntary recurrent memories” (which I learned is a Flashback) of the abuse and how they made your journey to heal more challenging or possibly lethal. He reminded me I need to live my life not beholden to those who tried to take my life. He not only gave me perspective but he also expanded my vocabulary. Today, I realize I have begun to take these steps. There is still work to be done and this year is going to be about me and achieving my dreams. I will not let the past hold me back. I will always love and welcome my children back into my life. I hope one day they open their minds and hearts about the reality of what I have lived from the abuse and the words and actions that led to the “involuntary recurrent memories” (my new favorite phrase) that begun years of emotional struggles, dissociative episodes and loss of self. How I reacted to what occurred I now know was a result of the CSA and my continued attempts to keep the abuse and the part of me that was special to the abuser buried. I understand others may have reacted or been effected differently. I will not allow anyone to push me back to that dark place.
As I enter my 59th year (never understood why it is always one year ahead of my age) I am encouraged and thankful to be where I am today. I believe everyone here is a hero—it takes courage to face the past we have lived. It requires us to dig deeply into ourselves, mind and body. It is tough, because so much is buried for so many years. We lived a life that was not truly ours, because we, or at least I, pretended it was not real, a bad nightmare while a part of me knew it was real. Silence and the guilt led to shame and shame finally overtook any value I held for myself. Today this is no longer true.
Thank you and I am thankful MS here is to help me and so many others.