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#463162 - 03/25/14 10:49 PM first post...scared and alone
PerseveringDaily Offline

Registered: 02/12/14
Posts: 4
Loc: California, USA
im going through a really rough time these days. ive repressed memories of all kinds of physical, psychological, and sexual torture for over a decade, and a have just been dealing with the after effects for the last few years. I only have access to my therapist once a week, and have so much to let out. I am trying to use hotlines to feel a little less isolated (I dont feel safe socializing with old friends or family, so i feel incredibly alone and depressed) and as a platform to process everything but it is not ideal. i hope this site can help me feel like im connected in some way to ppl who understand. I would liike to find a group for CSA survivors in my area, but have yet to really try and do so. I am terrified that those that i do reach out to wont believe me. is that jujst me? soooo many truly unbelievable things happened to me, and I feel like if i reach out, even to new professionals that theyll thing im crazy. Am I alone in this belief that i will not be believed? i actually experienced this when I was 5150'd to a local hospital around 3 years ago and they thought my story didnt make perfect sense because I told them my mom and an older peer abused me (and how the F should it if I'm just now learning more and more about it?), so they didnt accept my diagnosis as PTSD, and instead determined I was delusional and put me on high doses of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. that was traumatic in its own right. I am truly blessed that I have since found a therapist and a doctor who does believe me. Any feedback and a warm welcome would be greatly appreciated. I hope you guys will believe and accept me and everything that happened to me and be considerate of the confusion that comes with experiencing such extreme traumas. I hope that I can help and support others as well.

#463166 - 03/26/14 12:04 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 317
Loc: Virginia
Hi Persevering,

Welcome! I'm glad you found this site. It's also good to see you now have a doctor and a therapist who sound like they're on your side and are looking out for you.

Believe me, I know how rough abuse is, especially when it's difficult to get others to believe what happened and that you need help to deal with it. What I've seen over and over now on this site is guys who came in feeling scared, confused, angry, betrayed, and so on-- but who are now moving toward greater and greater things. I'm one of those guys.

For feedback, I'd say you did the right thing in finding this site. Read all you can, as you are comfortable and at your own pace. There's a lot of VERY good material here.

Take care and heal well. Once again, welcome.


#463167 - 03/26/14 12:23 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3853

Welcome and I am sorry you are here. I have learned you cannot control what others believe, they have not lived what you have lived. People have different reasons not to believe and that is their issue and not yours.

You have endured much and the hurt, pain and impact controls you. I am glad you are seeing a therapist and hopefully he (she) has experience with trauma and CSA. The T should know and understand PTSD. I too was diagnosed with PTSD but I never knew survivors could experience PTSD. As I researched and spoke to the experts I began to understand. It is misunderstood condition and sadly many in the medical profession do not understand and many times when the medical professionals do not understand it is not real. Sadly, those proclaiming to be in a profession to help end up destroying. You have witnessed and lived this and I am sorry you had to experience their ignorance.

But remember there are wonderful, understanding and caring people in the world. Seek them out. We are here for you, non judgmental, open hearts and support. We have been where you are. I can tell how confused I was for so long. I was fortunate I had doctors who witnessed and saw my dissociative and fugue states, they gave the diagnosis. But others including the Monday morning quarterbacks in the medical profession denounced their diagnosis as rubbish. I have friends who are doctors and have been compassionate. They said diagnosis these conditions are outside their field and they respect the diagnosis of the doctors. They said those who do not specialize have a tendency to be know it all because they now a little about a lot. I overcame their denials through my T, support groups, MS and surrounding myself with kind people. You can do it.

Please share as you feel comfortable, feeling safe is so important and only then can you begin to share. Sharing allows you to let out the poison that has controlled your life.

Here at MS you have options,discussion boards, chat rooms and PM. Also read the literature contained in the site.

We accept and believe you. We are here unconditionally. Please stay here and share when you are ready. Remember the healing journey has ups and downs, an emotional roller coaster. But once you keep pushing forward the rewards of a life you value, and you value yourself will emerge.

Heal well and remember this is a 24/7 site.


#463169 - 03/26/14 12:57 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1153
Loc: michigan
Hi Persevering
The fear you have of not being believed is so common man. and it is really to be expected, especially after your experience in telling so far. You are welcome here and if your experience is similar to mine you will find a group of kind and supportive men who really get it. men who,unfortunately share your experiences and know the pain too well. just take your time and get to know the place and as you are comfortable maybe join in chat. it is a real time way to share as you are ready to.
I hope that you are feeling better soon
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#463170 - 03/26/14 01:11 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Rustam Offline

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
Hi and a warm welcome to you, I and I expect all of us understand the fear of not being believed.
Welcome again and I hope you find a safe home here.

#463171 - 03/26/14 01:11 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Landscape Offline

Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 50
Loc: New York, NY
Welcome to MS. Reading and participating here helps me understand a little more about myself every day. I hope it does the same for you.

Like many introductions (including my own), you mention feeling "scared and alone." I'm sure you are scared. I am too. But, I am not alone, and neither are you.

The support offered by the men here has helped me realize that there is someone here who understands almost everything I feel and experience, even though our stories are all different. While my recovery is a destination that is unique to me and your recovery will be unique to you, we are all on this journey together.

Be well.

Edited by Landscape (03/26/14 01:14 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
WoR, Guest House 2016

"Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear, I sentence you to be exposed before your peers."

#463203 - 03/26/14 01:48 PM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Adam A Gedman Offline

Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey Persevering,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but I am glad you found us, and hopeful that MS can be a part of your healing.

I believe you, it was not your fault, and you've come to the right place to find support from others who understand.
Our stories may differ, but we are brothers in pain and trauma.

Welcome, take your time, and when you are ready, speak your truth.
We will be here to support you along the road from surviving to thriving.

Keep Well
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

#463248 - 03/27/14 02:37 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome PA,

Dittos to all the above. You will find that fellow survivors "get it" and you are safe among us to share as you feel ready to do so.

Glad to hear you are with an understanding therapist now. The previous ones you described deserve to be stripped of their licenses.

Remember, this is YOUR recovery. Its up to you to make the most of it. Don't give up, and you'll make it.

Be well,

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#463668 - 04/04/14 09:29 PM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
welcome to, PerseveringDaily.

i, too, am persevering daily.

sounds like you got a raw deal from the doctors.
sorry to hear that.
it is like being abused all over again.

i have never had much success with medical and psychiatric solutions.
my issues have been mostly spiritual and emotional.

i hope you find some comfort and connection here in this community of survivors.
i do.



#463737 - 04/06/14 11:52 AM Re: first post...scared and alone [Re: PerseveringDaily]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome and congratulations - although I am sorry you need to be here and yet grateful for your words and all the support man here are giving you.

There are a lot of helpful resources on this website - make use of them and join us on the road of recovery.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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