Today I had a rough session with my therapist. I'm having difficulty trusting men due in part because of my father's physical and verbal abuse and secondly the sexual abuse from other men. I've spent wasted years looking for the "right one." The right man to take the place of my father and even a friend for life. An unreasonable mission that led to abuse.
The irony? Today makes the 3rd anniversary of making a friend here on MS that I've lost. I know that because I was thumbing through old emails and he reminded me back in 2012 that 3/24 was our 2nd anniversary. We immediately hit it off. We was intelligent, compassionate, and there.
Sometimes it felt like I got lost in him. Too needy and compliant. But he was there and I craved the companionship. He was someone like me - a victim of abuse. Just what the doctor ordered. Pfft.
We left MS and continued our "relationship" (with boundaries) for quite sometime. That is until last year. The emails became fewer and far between. I began to wonder what I had done. I could see the signs coming. Our last communication was in July.
I'm at loss as what to do next. You see, another man I trusted, a kind of father figure, has disappeared too. Another abandonment. So enter the perps. Enter the insecurities and blame and humiliation that the perps left me with. What did I do to deserve THEM? Being too vulnerable?
Vulnerability has cost me dearly.