Quillanh, without this forum, I dont know if I would be "sane" right now. I have sent many PM's to Esposa because I do not have anyone else to confide in. I have learned tremendously from this discussion board. This is my only outlet.
Going to marriage counseling as a couple was not processing the extreme anger I had towards what he did to me and my children. I started seeing a trauma therapist on my own and felt free to express all of emotions, even the "ugly" ones. As a wife/partner, you are expected to be supportive, but that does not mean that you have to magically erase your emotions. I can honestly say that for the first time in our twelve year relationship I am being honest with him about everything.
Basically, you don't have to take anyones crap ever. Even if they are a victim of SA. Yes, they may have a warped sense of certain relationships aspects such as trust, boundaries and intimacy, but by making yourself their punching bag, you are not going to erase what occurred to them. They have to deal with that independently. It is ok to be angry, confused and even resentful, it is a process. Your H has to process his anger too against the perpetrator or maybe even his family. It is a call for self-reflection from both of you.
Sometimes, when I am super angry and expecting an explanation, I do not see a 40 year old man, I see a three year old child who is confused about what is going on. That is when I remind myself why I decided to stay with him. Because I truly love him 95% of the time and I want to model a healthy relationship for my children. I do not want my children to experience what he went though or my own traumas. I am NOT saying you have to stick by someone, what I am saying is that you have a right to express yourself and not put away your true feelings. Even if it means you seek your own outlet.