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#462843 - 03/19/14 10:20 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
DrumRunner Offline

Registered: 02/06/14
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts
I wish the MS discussion board had a "like" button for individual posts :-)

Seeing the common threads in the multitude of our CSA adult symptoms helps me not feel so alone. And it's that alone place where I often want to disappear to; a place which is equal parts sanctuary and prison. Thanks everyone!

#462845 - 03/19/14 10:27 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
"like" smile

#462846 - 03/19/14 10:54 AM Re: I want to disappear [Re: DrumRunner]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
DrumRunner, you said it best, well at least in my situation. The secrets are definitely the poison and I have been working hard with my counselor and therapist to rid myself of as many of the secrets as possible. I don't want to and can't live my life in secret anymore. The secrets increased the shame and guilt and embarrassment and drove me to re-victimizing myself and feeling like I deserved to be hurt and abused and even pushed me to get a man to try to abuse me.
Now there are pretty much no more secrets, there are private issues which I was taught are acceptable and needed but no secrets can do me any good. The abuse began as a big secret and just grew. It happened before I hit puberty and didn't know anything about sex so when puberty hit and I enjoyed my first ejaculation the guilt and shame just came rushing in and I could only enjoy it by myself as I had a strong belief that I would not hurt myself and I kept this belief and secret until I was again abused at 18, after that things went to shit and the poison just filled my body. I got into drugs, abused sexually by the first woman I had sex with, grew distant from all of my family and the few friends I had and even when I realized how low I was I couldn't find the strength to leave and thank god the bitch decided to leave me.

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