I am 42 years old and have abused drugs, myself and have held other people accountable for issues that they probably didn't possess. Below is a "creative writing" of where I am and I believe it is a direct result of my stepfathers abuse as a child.
This story starts off at ground zero on the day of me hitting rock bottom. I had burned all my bridges, with nowhere to go, no one to call and I began to realize that I had no one to blame.
There was one friend who I believed would help me if I asked him, so I jumped into my car and raced over to his house.
He lives across town in an upper-class community and his house is immaculate inside and out. I'm so jealous of his house and of how much he puts into it. His house is big, beautiful and well-kept and I would never deserve to own or live in a house like that.
I pulled up to the curb of my friend's house and saw him outside watering his amazing lawn. I honked my horn and rolled down my window and yelled to my friend: "God...!" (My friends name is God) "God, I need your help, I messed up real bad!"
My friend dropped the garden hose and ran over to my car and said: "Brian, I knew something like this was going to happen, of course I will help you, slide over, I'm going to drive."
"Um....what?" I said: "No, no.... you don't need to drive God, I got it! I'm already here, just come around to the other side and get in."
God smiled at me and said: "Brian, I love you. I want to help you..... I'm going to help you, but in order for that to happen, you have to let me drive. I have a place I would like to take you, someplace safe."
Well I got angry as I replied: "Safe? Safe! Look God, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm going through withdrawal, I'm bitter and resentful, and I'm mad at the whole wide world! I don't think you understand what I need from you. See God, I need you to come with me to my home and I need you to change the mind of my husband. Make him look at me with those adoring eyes again. Make him overlook my frequent infidelities and lack of commitment. And if I'm late coming home some nights, or even just don't make it home at all, mane that ok with them too. Make him stop nagging about my smoking, drinking and drug use. Give him the strength and desire to love me more and more each day in spite of what I do or say. Then I want to take you to each of my friend's, and I need you to change their hearts about me also. Then we need to go and see my boss, and he needs to learn to overlook the sloppiness of my reports, accept the work hours that I select that work best for me. Then I need you to show me how to get all the euphoria out of getting high but without all of the psychosis, paranoia and negative consequences. I need you God to keep everyone off my back and keep my life together. So seriously God, please get in! We have a lot to do, a lot of stops to make and I'm tired. I want to be home and in bed within the hour....!"
"Oh B!....." (My friend God calls me "B" sometimes) "Oh B! That's quite a plan. We could do that, but I tell you what, let me take you some place you can rest a while and later we can talk about all that other.........'stuff'. You have to trust me on this B, the only decision that I am asking you to make is to just slide over and let me drive. Can you at least just trust me that much?"
And so I went out on faith, but mostly because I was so tired, I let my friend God drive. A short time later, we pulled up to the XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX (treatment facility) and we got out of the car. "What is this place?" I asked God, and he put his hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and said: "This is my house Brian; I want you to stay with me for a little while. Here you can heal your wounds and let go of the hurt and pain. We will spend each day getting to know each other and you will make some lifelong friendships with other guests that I have staying here. You will transform from a taker to a giver and your heart will be full always. You will learn how to smile and laugh, and at times you will cry, especially when you realize just how much you don't deserve any of this. You will fall in love with me and I will be your first monogamous relationship. Your strength will be forged out of fire and tested, and I will prepare you to do great and amazing things in my name. You will bring lost people to me by telling them what I did for you when no one else would even look at you. I will remove from you the desire to smoke, drink and do drugs, and in time you will even surrender to me those things you think I don't know you secretly lust for. You will be on time and your word will be more reliable than any contract. The whole world will know your name and you will tell them all about me, and that's merely the beginning. So what do you say B? Will you stay with me?"
Well how could I say no to that offer? I said: "Yes!"
"Great, you just made the best decision of your life, now go through those doors and ask for XXXXX XXXXXX (intake coordinator), and tell him that I sent you, and remember to call on me for whatever you need. I love you so much Brian, and I will see you soon." Then my friend God gave me a huge hug and started to walk away.
"Wait God! I have a question.....If THIS is your house, then who's big, beautiful, well-kept house was that where I picked you up?" I asked.
God just looked at me and smiled and said: "That's your house B, I've been taking really good care of it for you until you are able to receive it, and that's just one of the many gifts I have for you my friend!"
To be continued.................
"I've never been more willing to learn, until I became most desperate to change..."