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#462552 - 03/13/14 10:45 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
isol8er Offline

Registered: 03/13/14
Posts: 3
Loc: California

I am 42 years old and have abused drugs, myself and have held other people accountable for issues that they probably didn't possess. Below is a "creative writing" of where I am and I believe it is a direct result of my stepfathers abuse as a child.

This story starts off at ground zero on the day of me hitting rock bottom. I had burned all my bridges, with nowhere to go, no one to call and I began to realize that I had no one to blame.

There was one friend who I believed would help me if I asked him, so I jumped into my car and raced over to his house.

He lives across town in an upper-class community and his house is immaculate inside and out. I'm so jealous of his house and of how much he puts into it. His house is big, beautiful and well-kept and I would never deserve to own or live in a house like that.

I pulled up to the curb of my friend's house and saw him outside watering his amazing lawn. I honked my horn and rolled down my window and yelled to my friend: "God...!" (My friends name is God) "God, I need your help, I messed up real bad!"

My friend dropped the garden hose and ran over to my car and said: "Brian, I knew something like this was going to happen, of course I will help you, slide over, I'm going to drive."

"Um....what?" I said: "No, no.... you don't need to drive God, I got it! I'm already here, just come around to the other side and get in."

God smiled at me and said: "Brian, I love you. I want to help you..... I'm going to help you, but in order for that to happen, you have to let me drive. I have a place I would like to take you, someplace safe."

Well I got angry as I replied: "Safe? Safe! Look God, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm going through withdrawal, I'm bitter and resentful, and I'm mad at the whole wide world! I don't think you understand what I need from you. See God, I need you to come with me to my home and I need you to change the mind of my husband. Make him look at me with those adoring eyes again. Make him overlook my frequent infidelities and lack of commitment. And if I'm late coming home some nights, or even just don't make it home at all, mane that ok with them too. Make him stop nagging about my smoking, drinking and drug use. Give him the strength and desire to love me more and more each day in spite of what I do or say. Then I want to take you to each of my friend's, and I need you to change their hearts about me also. Then we need to go and see my boss, and he needs to learn to overlook the sloppiness of my reports, accept the work hours that I select that work best for me. Then I need you to show me how to get all the euphoria out of getting high but without all of the psychosis, paranoia and negative consequences. I need you God to keep everyone off my back and keep my life together. So seriously God, please get in! We have a lot to do, a lot of stops to make and I'm tired. I want to be home and in bed within the hour....!"

"Oh B!....." (My friend God calls me "B" sometimes) "Oh B! That's quite a plan. We could do that, but I tell you what, let me take you some place you can rest a while and later we can talk about all that other.........'stuff'. You have to trust me on this B, the only decision that I am asking you to make is to just slide over and let me drive. Can you at least just trust me that much?"

And so I went out on faith, but mostly because I was so tired, I let my friend God drive. A short time later, we pulled up to the XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX (treatment facility) and we got out of the car. "What is this place?" I asked God, and he put his hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eyes and said: "This is my house Brian; I want you to stay with me for a little while. Here you can heal your wounds and let go of the hurt and pain. We will spend each day getting to know each other and you will make some lifelong friendships with other guests that I have staying here. You will transform from a taker to a giver and your heart will be full always. You will learn how to smile and laugh, and at times you will cry, especially when you realize just how much you don't deserve any of this. You will fall in love with me and I will be your first monogamous relationship. Your strength will be forged out of fire and tested, and I will prepare you to do great and amazing things in my name. You will bring lost people to me by telling them what I did for you when no one else would even look at you. I will remove from you the desire to smoke, drink and do drugs, and in time you will even surrender to me those things you think I don't know you secretly lust for. You will be on time and your word will be more reliable than any contract. The whole world will know your name and you will tell them all about me, and that's merely the beginning. So what do you say B? Will you stay with me?"

Well how could I say no to that offer? I said: "Yes!"

"Great, you just made the best decision of your life, now go through those doors and ask for XXXXX XXXXXX (intake coordinator), and tell him that I sent you, and remember to call on me for whatever you need. I love you so much Brian, and I will see you soon." Then my friend God gave me a huge hug and started to walk away.

"Wait God! I have a question.....If THIS is your house, then who's big, beautiful, well-kept house was that where I picked you up?" I asked.

God just looked at me and smiled and said: "That's your house B, I've been taking really good care of it for you until you are able to receive it, and that's just one of the many gifts I have for you my friend!"

To be continued.................
"I've never been more willing to learn, until I became most desperate to change..."

#463142 - 03/25/14 05:52 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
thanks everyone


#507612 - 03/13/17 01:29 AM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire


#507632 - 03/13/17 02:53 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
greenwizard Offline

Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 497
Loc: PA
Well, I'd say it cost me any chance of having a normal life. I've always been a shy and socially anxious person, but now it's worse. I do not under any circumstances trust women I don't know. Maybe in time I could've talked myself into being more relaxed around strangers, but now 2 strangers have hurt me. One of them at least has remorse, but still... It's like I have proof everyone is out to get me. So, I'd say it has cost me peace of mind.

#507713 - 03/15/17 10:58 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Asking "what has the abuse cost" is to me not the right way of phrasing the question for two reasons.

firstly, because "cost" emplies a transation, something two way. Abuse is not two way by definition, it's one way a theft as Alan said earlier.

The second is a more critical problem though because "Cost" something static that has been paid and cannot be recovered.

If I were answering this question a few years ago undoubtedly I would talk about theft of time, about cost of relationships, about all the negative stuff, about being an outcast etc etc.

These days though I'm coming to realize that those things I used to think were perminant losses, parts of myself that were broken are things which I can rebuild.

Joy, a sense of myself that doesn't include disgust, a profound and intimate relationship with another person, even sexuality as an expression of love (something I thought literally impossible).

these are not things I was "cost" but things I wasn't able to have, but dam it now I will!

Yes, I can't deny I do feel sad, and indeed sometimes emvious when I see others get relationships, acceptance, the things I wanted. Shen people talk about "dating" as though it's a free choice, but hay, those people don't have what I do now so who am I to be emvious.


#507722 - 03/16/17 07:54 AM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1894
Loc: Minnesota
From: Oxford "living" Dictionary
Cause the loss or unpleasant consequence of.

I know I've paid some steep price for the burden of sexual trauma. I think the bullies and being molested showed me that I was not to be someone. I was to be used. I had no purpose toward anything, and I didn't know how to look for purpose, I don't think I had a clue what purpose was? Then the neglect at all parts of my childhood had me wondering how I could be good enough to earn love? I can see it from this age looking back, but then, I didn't know anything.

When I finally started acting out, being self destructive, I didn't have the courage to be assertive, so my destruction was to skip school, steal some money from my mom, and smoke pot. It got me thrown away, just as more bullying at school occurred. None of the bullying was ever asked about, and I was too stupid to know about talking about problems? I thought I had to be good, to appear good was what mattered?

When my dad got me after my mom threw me away, I hadn't lived with him for 10 years and my memories of him were small things and his bad anger. I recalled witnessing him hitting my mom in our kitchen when I was 5, but it's a very faded memory now. I also knew he spanked me with his belt. So, I was told, this man, my dad, who I didn't know; I'm going to live with. I'm in a psych pharmaceutical drug side effects reaction state. My body isn't functioning properly. It was still difficult to control my muscles to walk properly, to talk and I was constipated. So, with this I move in with dad, and go to yet another school.

I get raped while living there with dad. I'm the thrown away kid, and more trauma to occur after being raped. I'm not good enough, so I'm punched in the face by my dad and sent to a psych ward. Yeah,,,, more cost. So, with all that in my childhood, I end up on my own at 17 and fuck up most of my life.

#507726 - 03/16/17 01:09 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3748
Abuse has cost me part of my life. It has controlled my being, my existence in ways I did not realize. It has impacted my mental well being and this too I did not realize because I refused to see the connection between lost time, syncope, depression as outcomes of the abuse.

I am learning about myself each day I struggle to heal. I never realized how complicated I am as a person--and the abuse contributed to these states. For I learned to hide, pretend the abuse was not real, I created a false persona. I now realized I have suffered from depression for decades but I always hid it behind this false persona. I could not let anyone know. Now I do not hide and it has nearly killed me several times over. Why I am told is because the deeply hidden emotions are flooding out of my mind and heart. Unfortunately I am one who does not take well to medications, side effects and negative reactions, so I am left to other conventions to try to control the depression. Mindfulness helps and changing my life to surround myself with supportive and kind people. One step the doctor has said is accepting why some who have denied my abuse, and their denial had major impacts on my mental health, from their own upbringing. I never realized this until we put it all together. They lived in an extended family home and one part of the family was volatile. I remember hearing stories of one daughters vicious fights with the mother and once heard the slapping, another daughter I witnessed the brutal attacks by her mother and father because of who she dated, and the doctor said all the times their father felt bullied as to leave the table was abusive. He reminded me bullying is abuse. He said their reaction to the priest friend of the family who was accuse of sexual abuse--the kid just wants money and when this man was arrested for lewd acts in the park-it was because his mother made him become a priest. He said they were conditioned to deny abuse around them. A thus their denials are meaningless. He said I have not told the world of what I heard or saw as they demonized my abuse. I am learning as a survivor we try to protect others who were abused and to see the good in them. I refused to see how their own abuse, either directly or witnessing, truly impacted those that spread the lies of my abuse. I am learning their words are meaningless.

I realize I should not be here based on the attempts I made but somehow some one seemed to rescue me, as though there is truly a guardian angel looking over me.

I know the abuse is part of my life and now that I have been stripped raw in telling my story to the Diocese I hope I can begin to cover the wounds and begin to live life as I should have lived it. Maybe with age I am wiser and will be more selective in whom I let into my life. It will be people who are kind, supportive and loving.

I also know I cannot reclaim the time lost and I need to move forward. Lost was a child's innocence, hope and dreams.


#507798 - 03/18/17 12:52 AM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: Chase Eric]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1255

I'm amazed that I'm just now seeing this thread...

Often, our sentiment cannot be conveyed in syllables. Instead, it's a wordless glance, a look, or an expression. Your presence telegraphed more than words could convey.


I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before


#507883 - 03/20/17 08:02 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
CafeMan Offline

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 169
Loc: Chicago
Interesting question, Rich.

I remember how I was "mentally" prior to the abuse. I feel a sense of difference as to who I am. Prior to the abuse, I loved myself and my life. I was "Prince Nickolas" where I had a beautiful life. Who knew that the pedestal would soon rock, and I would soon fall off of it.

I had my breaking point where I wanted the abuse to stop. I knew I had to tell my parents and make them believe me. Prior to getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen to first tell my mother...I cried my eyes out. I mentally reviewed each abuse incident from when it first started through the last encounter. However, I saw my life flash before me. I had a fast forward vision of seeing my life well into adulthood. It was a very surreal moment for a 12 year old to experience. I knew that I would face ADULT insecurities after I told my family. That made me very sad. That moment was the turning point from a happy go lucky kid to the new and not so improved CSA model. I just felt like I was undergoing a bad metamorphosis. Despite the feeling of being different, I knew I had to undergo this "forever tainted" process. I desperately wanted the abuse to STOP...even if it meant feeling bad about it all these years afterwards.

It did cost me. It cost me to not trust many people despite my outgoing personality. I am very outgoing in person because I serve it as a mask. I learned to be open without really expressing who I really am. I find it as a protective measure. Always let them guess and not be so transparent. I always look for emergency exits because I was afraid the abuser would seek revenge on me for telling. Now I just look for Exit signs out of habit. I never had a long term romantic relationship because I felt emotionally soiled. I felt tainted; I felt stained, I feel too conflicted to share with another person. I dislike being told what to do. It really aggravates me. However, I never tell anyone that and fake a smile to show how happy go lucky I really am. I look at romantic relationships as something that would be nice, but I feel it would impact my freedom and sense of control.

I suppose the list goes on and on. However, I gained some vital things as well, such as being proficient in just about anything I put my mind to because I want to be perceived as a "normal person." I excel and very few people can "one up" me in a debate. I'm as sweet as pie to the ones I love, but I can be exceptionally fierce when being attacked or threatened. I carry a poker face and don't really express very negative emotions as a sense to keep the other person off track. The greatest cost that affected me was the loss of control. I wasn't coerced, I wasn't tricked, I was forced. I was made to believe my body let me down because it responded to the touch. That as the biggest cost--not being in control of myself.

The one solace I take is that I knew it was wrong. I knew that despite the conflicting feelings I had--I KNEW it was wrong and wanted it stopped. For that, I became not only a survivor but also a warrior!

#508065 - 03/24/17 05:50 PM Re: what has the abuse cost you? [Re: jas4159]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
great posts. thanks everyone.


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