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#462497 - 03/13/14 09:23 AM Re-enacting the abuse?
sadclown Offline

Registered: 02/27/14
Posts: 59
Okay, so I've got a weird one here...

A few months ago my demons awoke with a fury, and that awakening is what has brought me here. A few weeks ago, I ended up hitting some really hard financial times, with large unforeseen expenses depleting my savings, including the deposit for a more fuel efficient vehicle and housing that better suits my needs, and an unrelated previous arrangement coupled with the newfound poverty has left me crashing on a couch at my friend's parent's house. So, I was thinking and I noticed that upon this complete and utter lack of control and loss of everything I work seven days a week for, I've noticed a really strange compulsion....

Its really uncomfortable and awkward to put out there, but I might as well just be blunt: does anyone else have a desire to relive their abuse? Like, its really on my mind lately. I want to act out the abusive acts with someone far older than myself (despite my typical age pref being two years on either side of me) and get treated terribly and be coerced into doing the same acts as when I was a kid, in addition to being treated really, really badly sexually, but in different ways from actual abuse acts. These are not erotic thoughts I have ever had until lately.

Happily, we have the shroud of anonymity here so I can bring this up. This one is....a little odd.
My Story

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed"- Ernest Hemingway

#462499 - 03/13/14 09:54 AM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3861
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello sadclown,
good to see you being brave and sharing your thought with us.
Certainly many of us could identify with your post.
We are not all the same but patterns of losing control, anxiety and low mood feelings in my case could be easily connected in similar way as you described. You are not alone with mentioned problems.

Here is the link with some very insightful explanation of cycle that sometimes drive us all to many different self damaging behaviors:

I love to read it again and again in moments of challenges.
I hope it will help you too.
Wish you all the best!

My story

#462501 - 03/13/14 11:30 AM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England

Not so weird. You are not alone in that boat. Many of us have had very similar compulsions and, speaking for myself, acted on them repeatedly. It always left me feeling digusted, and hating myself. Maybe that was the point of it.

You are in a stressfull situation with your finances and that can trigger those thoughts. Please do whatever you have to to NOT go down the road of acting on those thoughts.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#462503 - 03/13/14 12:33 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
The mind wants to re-cast events such that you were actually in control of things, taking the terror and confusion away. There's no stopping the thoughts of being abused, so one coping mechanism is to try to set up a re-enactment where the same things happen "consensually" - so it won't really be forced on you but rather it would be you exercising your own will and controlling the situation. This is EXTREMELY common among survivors.

It is also an extremely bad idea. Everybody knows that reality rarely matches sexual fantasies, even when they come from a good place. This comes from a bad place and the attempted escape / control won't work - typically, after the fantasy is over the survivor feels worse than ever, for having now crossed the line into "enjoying" the abuse.

Men are horny creatures and when your psyche is already dwelling on sexualized imagery of things being done to you, it can lead to strange places. I too would strongly advise against any re-enactment. Not to be vulgar but - it's the same climax either way, so afterwards are you going to feel worse about yourself? When you could just as easily NOT? Nobody else spared you the confusion, anguish, and shame, so do what they should have done and that you deserved to have done for you - and spare yourself.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#462505 - 03/13/14 01:11 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070

You are very much not alone. Since I got dumped last week, I've been acting out again, recreating my abuse.

Everything these guys say is true: 1) it's very common among survivors; 2) like Soccer says, it maybe comes from a desire to feel in control of the abuse experience ("it's not abuse if I'm doing it to myself," or something); and 3) the sad fact is, the abuse is what we know. In most cases it was our first sexual experience(s), so when our lives get stressful, this is what comes up as a way to deal with it.

But I'm not talking to you as someone who understands in the abstract or who has been there in the past. I'm deep in those dark weeds right now myself. Maybe someone can say something that will help us both.

Hang in there; you are NOT alone.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#462508 - 03/13/14 01:38 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4255
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
yeah - what they said!

though i did not act out/re-enact in the "real world" - that is, physically with other live humans - i did it in imagination with online images and videos. i thought that was "safe" - and it was, physically - no fear of disease or violence. but it still did great damage to my mind and emotions and psyche. lots of "re-wiring" that i needed to do - as my T called it. we worked on that and have made much progress, though old patterns are still perceptible.

no - unfortunately - you are not alone.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#462514 - 03/13/14 02:18 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3861
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: cant_remember

Since I got dumped last week, I've been acting out again, recreating my abuse.

Hey Cant,
I'm so sorry to hear that you have troubles with acting out.
Could you talk with your therapist about it?
I have always difficulties in finding way to prevent those negative feelings that triggered and brought me to the place when it is feel good to do something that is in essence destructive. Actually as I know it is easier to stop it before something is done, later is more difficult I guess due to wired brain...

I'll be thinking on you my brother!

My story

#462517 - 03/13/14 02:38 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825

I am glad you recognize what is happening. You just need to focus on some positive aspect of your life. Yes the abuse can control and we all handle it in different ways--sme recreate consciously while other recreate unconsciously--whatever it is important to step back and not blame yourself for what you may have done.

If you have a therapist, talk with the T, or a support group or a friend that you feel safe. It is important to stop the downward spiral and recover from the temporary setback.

Vent here, share here, we are here to support you. You are a valuable person and despite our abuse we will be subject to many of the trials and tribulations of life everyone else suffers but for us, how we react may be controlled by the abuse, and yes the abuse does cause damage from acting out, dissociation, fugues, compulsions, addictions, self harm, etc. But I found sharing my story helps to control the outcome and takes control from the abuser and others that trigger the demon of our past.

Good luck and please take care of yourself and do not let the abuser control your actions. Abusers love to see us fall under their spell and probably smile when we recreate the abuse--believing what they did was right--keeping us as a child looking for their love even if it is not with the abuser himself. Try not to validate the abusers twisted belief that sexual abuse is acceptable and right for a young boy.

Best wishes and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.


#462519 - 03/13/14 03:35 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
as usual , I seem to have a different take on this

first off, sorry to hear you are in such an uncontrollable place, i lost a lot years ago when i was flooded both at work and home. I get it.

reliving the abuse is a common experience for survivors cuz it was the first sexual experience, there was no tropical make out scene with a beach babe. the images and memories will always be there.

if you are fantasizing this from a place of pain, then yes it is not the healthiest expression of your sexuality because its been triggered by the loss of control.

however, if the fantasy involves two consenting adults who are coming from a place of mutual enjoyment then its just a part of your sexual pallatte. many people have a fantasy of being ravashed and taken sexually unexpectedly and made to submit. its a deep urge that is common to str8's , gays and bi's both men and women, none of whom were abused. Its an erotic turn on and nothing more.

I dated a guy who wanted me to just know what he wanted sexually , to take him and make him perform like a marionette. when, i asked what he wanted he said don't ask , it just kills the buzz. later when we talked, i asked if he had been abused like me cuz i had to wonder and he looked at me funny and said he just thought it was a hot when a guy just acted like a guy. nothing more

so the fantasy itself is not the issue, and re-enacting it is not wrong or bad or anything other than what it is. its about context. if you are feeling so low that you want to be like a beaten dog and kicked some more, then that may an unhealthy expression of low self esteem and has to be dealt with.

but [b]if your fantasy is coming from desire for a mutually satisfying sexual experience then it is a wonderful thing![/b]
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#462533 - 03/13/14 08:03 PM Re: Re-enacting the abuse? [Re: sadclown]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 483
Loc: New Hampshire
wow what great post. I never new. this is causing me to think,


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