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#462394 - 03/11/14 12:35 PM Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I have been in counselling for 14 months and therapy for 2 1/2 months and I am realizing more and more everyday that so much focuses around my sexuality whether it be my sexual attraction to others, men and women, my fear of others sensing my sexual interests, trying so hard to hide any sexual expressions in public ( I have a phobia of people sensing my sexual attraction to either men or women and afraid of being ridiculed or humiliated), I was always fearful of any sexual conversation at work and my last job 5 years ago forced me to stay unemployed because my boss tried to force me to share a room with a sales rep who was a total stranger to me and forced the true reasoning out of me why and once he learned of my sexual abuse he ridiculed me and pushed me to the point that the years of repressed anger started to take control of me and letting it out felt good, too good and I was afraid that I would kill him and quit my job out of fear of doing so, not that I would be remorseful for doing it but out of regret for the punishment the law would hand down to me, the victim rather than him, the perp, just like my previous perps.
I n therapy I am working on things I deserve, whether I truly believe them or think I should or others say I do and I am conflicted with sex. I was always to fearful to visit a strip club or massage parlour before meeting my wife but fantasized many times and often masturbated to these fantasies and I am in a I do/I don't conflict, that being that I believe I do or did deserve to tries these experiences when I was single but too fearful but now that I am mentally and emotionally at a state that I would be willing to try these experiences I no longer feel I deserve to do so because I have been married to a wonderful woman for almost 18 years and don't want to risk losing that even though she has been very understanding and has even allowed me to explore my same sex curiosities and have found that I truly enjoy giving oral and not because of the abuse, I truly believe this is a natural feeling that I would have had regardless.

#462402 - 03/11/14 05:05 PM Re: Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts [Re: pete1973]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4199
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Pete -

sounds like you have thought about and struggled with this issue quite a bit already. it is good that you are trying to care for yourself with counseling and therapy. and it shows courage to address this directly rather than stuffing or denying or trying to ignore it.

first - i want to assure you that an increased interest in sexually related thoughts and feelings and impulses is not abnormal in someone in our situation. when i started dealing with emerging memories and got into therapy, it seemed like i was obsessing and turning into a sex maniac. what was happening was a lot of things that i had tried to stuff or deny or ignore, were suddenly coming out and demanding my attention. so - don't worry about that part of it too much. as time has passed and i have worked through the abuse memories, i have gained a better balance - better than either of the previous extremes.

second - i'd encourage you to try to identify what the problem is exactly. you sound distressed but maybe need to figure out why. do you feel like your interests and desires and attractions and urges are morally wrong? or do you think that you "should" be more mature or in control or recovered - like you are not meeting someone else's expectations or your own? or do you sense that you are not being true to your own inner nature? or like you are guilty of violating the marriage vows or contract? or is it the fear of embarrassment or shame or humiliation if anyone else knew what you are going through? maybe something else?

i am trying to put into words some of the hints in your post. but YOU need to know the nature of the conflict in your life and understand yourself. that is preliminary to finding the solution and accepting yourself OR making changes or taking action - and eventually feeling better.

at least that is the way i see it.

i'd bet that others have additional insights and experiences to share.

keep at it - you are on your way.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#462411 - 03/12/14 12:33 AM Re: Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts [Re: pete1973]
randombreeze Offline

Registered: 02/04/14
Posts: 60
Loc: WNY

Sounds like you're fortunate, no strike that...blessed to have an incredibly loving and supportive wife. Whatever place you arrive at in understanding and hopefully accepting your conflicted sexuality, be sure to keep her "in the loop".

The feelings you're having are not only typical among us survivors, but likely part of the recovery process as we work through the trauma. I'm still very early in the recovery process as far as therapy is concerned, but had very similar conflicted emotions regarding same sex attraction. I struggled with these feelings throughout my 14 year marriage which ended in divorce 20 years ago.

At 56 years old I'm still conflicted...attracted at times to both men and women. Sounds silly but it reminds of the little boy that can't decide between chocolate or vanilla. My goal is to someday arrive at a place where I can understand the source of these feelings, and how to find a peaceful balance rather than fight them. With the help of continued therapy and support from my friends here I believe that's possible. Stay strong brother.

Peace, Paul
"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"- Rabindranath Tagore

#462412 - 03/12/14 12:50 AM Re: Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts [Re: pete1973]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3749

I am glad you are trying to come to terms. Abuse causes confusion in our lives. As we begin to relive the abuse confusion as to who we are, our worth and value are called into question by us and no one else.

You have given much thought and have support of a wonderful wife. This should help you immensely on your healing journey. I can tell you when you heal, you will know what is right for you and seek comfort from those that can and know how to give. The confusion will subside, people will no longer push you in the direction of your abuser nor will you push yourself into the words, acts or control of the abuser.

You have taken great strides, work and efforts, you deserve to know who you are. You are moving in a positive direction. I wish you the best.


#462452 - 03/12/14 01:11 PM Re: Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts [Re: pete1973]
pete1973 Offline

Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 53
Loc: Ontario, Canada
This is such an annoying struggle in my mind that I have even thought of the possibility of trying hypnosis to make me forget my past desires to fulfill the fantasy of going to a strip club and massage parlour. I beat myself up psychologically because I had plenty of opportunity to try these things before meeting my wife and maybe I am being rude and harsh on myself but I keep having thoughts that it is my lose that I was too scared to try them before and I feel like a pervert or something for having these feelings now. Yeah I am pretty sure I am being too harsh on myself and this stems from the result of the abuse but I also feel extremely selfish wanting to get over these feelings and seeing if the chance of fulfilling these fantasies can happen or not. And then there is the thought that if things were reversed I would gladly allow my wife to fulfill this fantasy, it is just sex, not intimacy and I know how much we love each other and we will always come home to each other, I have had some experimenting already with men and nothing has changed. The more I analyse it the more I see that I am putting myself down as not being worthy of trying this out. Fuck I wish the guilt, shame and embarrassment would go away, it is so controlling of my life. frown

#462460 - 03/12/14 03:42 PM Re: Anyone have problems with ongoing sexual thoughts [Re: pete1973]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Guilt is the sense that we have somehow broken our own moral standard. CSA survivors by definition had not had a chance to develop a moral balance for ourselves yet we look back and feel that somehow we SHOULD have been able to do something different.

Shame is physiological response to this sense of guilt both from ourselves or a real or perceived sense of self imposed or out side negatively imposed JUDGEMENT. We blush, cast our eyes down, go limp, feel sick to our stomach and just want to get it over with or die. Inadequate, disgraced, humiliated - EMBARRASSED!

Vulnerability the revealing of our true self, wants, needs and desires is the most accurate measure of courage, it is the opposite of what most of us feel, a sign of weakness. We as CSA survivor truly struggle with this because being sexualized, the very core and essence of our being, is exposed and exploited at an age when we can't possibly put into perspective what sexuality is other than if feels good to our bodies. Again we didn't have the tools, so letting that little guy feel guilty doesn't look like an act of compassion.

Pete , I applaud you for having courage to even put those desires into words. Being open with your sexuality is the most vulnerable you can be. You have a very understanding wife so expressing some of those needs although fraught with apprehension will be a little easier than it would be for most. Try and erotic couples massage, or go to a strip club together, women get turned on just as easily.

You are neither a pervert nor selfish , just a man in search of himself, WELL DONE.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011


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