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#461862 - 03/02/14 01:48 PM Secondary Victim / Survivors
expom Offline

Registered: 01/07/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Australia
My wife and adult children quite quickly grasped that they are secondary victim / survivors to the sexual abuse that I endured as a child; as well as to the other forms of abuse that I was (read "am") subjected to by my biological family of origin.
Today this hit home even harder when listening to my son telling his sister and cousin that one of the reasons that he had been knocked back from joining his desired branch military service, at least partly, because of what was done to me as a child.
It would appear that he is regarded as some form of risk because I tried to terminate the ongoing pain that I was suffering when he was just 8 and that I have sought assistance from Psychiatric and Psychological services in my attempt to deal with the psychological damage that was inflicted on me over 4 decades ago.
The parent in me might be glad if he never becomes a statistic or a name on a wall of remembrance but the humanity in me cries out all the more that the official machinations of government would be better served in putting their efforts into preventing sexual child abuse rather than further alienating those who are most closely affected by it.
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

#461963 - 03/03/14 05:08 PM Re: Secondary Victim / Survivors [Re: expom]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi Expom - it does seem unjust but I have learned (as a secondary victim myself) that there are reasons for things and I try to always keep my mind on the possible positives of any situation.

I am raising secondary victims and I will say that I perceive them to be benefitting greatly as human beings from the work that my husband has done on himself - and the entire process as a whole. As Jung says, there is no birth of consciousness without pain - and I try to keep this in mind every day. My children are LIGHT YEARS more conscious of the world around them and the impact than I ever was at their ages.

My point is - don't beat yourself up, you don't need to add things to your pile. The reality is that LIVING REAL is very powerful and much more realistic than pretending everything is perfect all of the time.

#461965 - 03/03/14 07:36 PM Re: Secondary Victim / Survivors [Re: expom]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3856

I am sorry for your son being a secondary victim of the abuse you lived. I hope your son finds his path in life and realizes what you did was courageous. You survived and are here for him.

Esposa, I love your comments how you found a positive in what you have lived. You gave your children the support and your husband the support needed to heal. Your taught your children well and no doubt you spoke positively of the work your husband has done to heal. You guided them well. You could have turned and belittled your husband and closed your mind but the kind and compassionate mother in you knew that would have been wrong--you would have alienated the children from their father and somewhere inside knew the abuse was not his fault and what happened was residual effects of the abuse. You gave your husband chances and it appears he accepted them. Congratulations to both of you and no doubt your children will be compassionate and kind as you have been during a difficult time.



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