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#461622 - 02/27/14 10:44 AM Supporting your partner through crisis
Cam76 Offline

Registered: 06/26/13
Posts: 18
I was wondering if anyone had any experience supporting their partner through a major crisis? My husband is going through a terrible time and I am out of my league. I have been staying up all night with him and falling asleep at work, missing work too. I am not a trained therapist but now I'm wishing I was. I am not sure what will make things worse or what will make things better.
This is the worst I have ever seen him. It is hard to make it all about him when its hurting me and us so much too. I want to fix this for him but all I can do is sit beside him while he cries. It is not enough but what else can a person do?

#461623 - 02/27/14 12:08 PM Re: Supporting your partner through crisis [Re: Cam76]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3849
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Cam76, sorry to hear about difficult times and troubles that your partner is going trough.
Difference with trained therapists is that they would have expert support and supervision while supporting your partner which aim would be not to cross certain borders that family members, partners and spouses usually can't avoid because of emotional attachment. It is no wonder that you are at your limits with tries to go with your partner trough such difficult times.
I'm not expert and probably the best what you can do is to be there and at reach.
I hope your partner have therapist whit whom he could be led to go safely trough emerging whirlpool of strong emotions.
Please take care for yourself, try to get as much as possible sleep and to do ordinary things.
It is a little bit situation similar like sometimes mothers can find themselves exhausted with their babies if they are ill, can't sleep/eat and similar.
It is said that is better for mother to take care for her needs, get enough sleep/rest and by so to be in better mood and like that to spend even shorter time with her kid than to be at disposal all time with her baby while being near her limits with worries.
I'm sure you are doing all that is in your power to give support to your partner, please try to self nourish as well.
I hope you'll get more good advices.
Wish you and your partner all the best!

My story

#461628 - 02/27/14 01:42 PM Re: Supporting your partner through crisis [Re: Cam76]
Cam76 Offline

Registered: 06/26/13
Posts: 18
Thanks Pero for your reply. He does have a great therapist and psychologist who he sees regularly, but I am helping with the 24/7. It is impossible to think about caring for myself right now with him needing so much of my time and support. I will consider your advice.

#461631 - 02/27/14 02:25 PM Re: Supporting your partner through crisis [Re: Cam76]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3746
Pero said it so well. Your husband needs to rely on the professionals and if available he should find a male abuse support group. I have my two support groups to be invaluable, speaking with people who know the pain and devastation the abuse caused in our lives.

You do need to take care of yourself. You need to ensure the children are not brought into the issues he is facing nor should you use the children as your confidantes--especially if the are young. Be supportive as you speak about your husband to the children and family. But take care of yourself, you may want to find a therapist to help you through dealing with your husband's CSA. Make sure the therapist or doctor is qualified in trauma and PTSD--many are not and give unhealthy and false guidance--many medical professionals cannot accept they are not all knowing.

I do hope the help your husband is receiving allows him move forward. Crying and feeling lost is common, I struggled a long time--it was the nightmares and flashbacks that brought these emotions to the forefront. As you husband talks about the abuse and ultimately accepts the abuse and not allow it to control his life, he will find life rewarding and full of kind and compassionate people. You are courageous and innately kind and compassionate to be concerned and wanting to protect him. You are there for him, but you need to there for yourself and children. Balance is important but being an attentive ear or a kind smile is so important. Unfortunately, the work is on him to heal, but those around him should not make him feel re-victimized or abused so as to trigger the past over and over.

Take care of yourself and I wish both you and your husband heal.



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