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#461557 - 02/26/14 03:09 PM My Story
Brett55 Offline


Registered: 05/26/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Southeast Iowa
The way I've been able to figure my own story is that I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was two. I have next to no memory of it and growing up I adored my uncle. Over the years though I seemed to have certain issues in my life that became problematic. Sex addictions, porn, chat rooms and the like, became problems, among other things- all related, one way or another. I started to ask myself- what is going on? At one point I was frequenting incest oriented chat rooms, and again I'd ask myself, what's going on here? Why am I doing this? My first insights were into "emotional incest". I thought I was a victim of that. I read about sexual addictions and the topic of the female sexual abuse of children (the title of a book I ordered and read). I guess that was a start for me, beginning to ask myself, why?! Later, by some happenstance I picked up a used book at the local library called Too Scared to Cry. A well written and informative, even entertaining, book on childhood trauma- including sexual trauma. What struck me after reading it was that I seemed to share so many of the characteristics of a person who had been traumatized as a child! My search started to narrow. How, or what traumatized me? There were some "leads" but nothing definitive. I started going out with a woman who was a psychic, not because she was a psychic of course. That's just the way it was. She likes to think of herself as the psychic who minds her own business but eventually she told me what she saw (even from the very beginning of our relationship) that it was my uncle. I did a little drinking that night! But I had wanted to know and she told me. The timing seemed to be good actually. I had devised a little formal process for working through "surprising facts" (abductive reasoning) and started to process this new information. It actually all fit. My uncle was living with us when I was two, in my mid-two's my brother was born and my sister was starting first grade. When I looked there definitely seemed to be opportunity. It's just so hard to believe! As time went by I seemed to have memories, albeit fleeting ones, of the abuse. It's all gotten to the point where I'm almost 100% sure something (sexually traumatic) happened but there also seems to be a twist. I practice some techniques (meditation) and have for many years, and feel confident that if that's "all" there was there would be some sort of "clearing" with the knowledge of what happened. I don't mean to poo poo the trauma. I know at this point it was very intense but there seems to be something else and this is really the reason I am writing all this now. I believe my mother knew about the abuse. I believe that either she simply aided and abetted my uncle in keeping it hidden or she had some more active role. I don't believe she was proactively involved but that for one reason or another (some other hidden incest in her family or simply "good" reasons for keeping it hidden from my father) she hid the abuse, or "abused" me herself to shift the problem away from her brother and on to herself (simply adding then to whatever guilt was already being harbored). There is even the possibility that what she did she did, or so she thought, to ease the pain of my abuse. I guess I'll end there for now, and see where I need to go with this depending on the response I get, if any. All the best to everyone! And thanks to those who took the time to read this!


Edited by Brett55 (03/02/14 04:14 PM)

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#461559 - 02/26/14 03:22 PM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6299
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
dear Brett55, welcome to ms.org.

you will find tons of resources here to help you deal with your memories as they resurface and become more clear.
you may start to think that you were better off not remembering.

wishing you well on your recovery journey.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#461574 - 02/26/14 07:14 PM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MS-I hope you'll find a lot of help here to get you further on the road of recovery and reclaiming your life.

I too had an addiction to a lot of compulsive sexual acting out-including chat rooms. Giving up that behavior has helped me greatly on a road towards healthy intimacy in relationships and to untangle the past.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#461581 - 02/26/14 07:40 PM Re: My Story [Re: victor-victim]
Brett55 Offline


Registered: 05/26/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Southeast Iowa
Thank you!

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#461597 - 02/26/14 10:01 PM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 491
Loc: Ohio
Glad you've found the ms discussion forum. Hope you will find the support you need to continue making progress. Early memories can be hard to make clear, but if, over an extended time (not immediately), the recovery you pursue results in a better life, then that may be telling in and of itself.

An example outside MS issues from my own life, while in a different state for the summer for temporary work, while playing(?) with other kids, I was hung with a noose, the real thing apparently. Although there were a couple of variations told over time, my mother was instrumental in pulling me down after the kids ran off while I was turning blue. I don't doubt that whatever the actual specifics were, this was traumatic at the time, but I have no recollection of it (and had probably learned to dissociate effectively by then anyway.) I do have vague recollections of outside the house that summer where we were staying and kid-play on my own making "poisons" of rocks, sticks, plants, and mud on my own outside for fun that same summer. But, I don't need to clearly remember to understand my distaste for tight fitting turtlenecks, (although I've since softened with regard to shirt and tie).

My point is that what happened to you may never be a clear memory at such a young age. (I think I was five or four for the hanging and have no recollection of anything I can recall at age 2.) Trust your own recovery process and over time, if your life gets measurably better, there's little need to question it.

And I relate to the idea of believing someone did not think it was abuse at the time as you suggest of that possibility. Though physically abusive by any stretch, due to his psychological issues, I still feel a perp of my CSA may merely have seen it as punishing, not sexual per se (though I would and do see it that way).


Edited by kcinohio (02/26/14 10:03 PM)

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#461675 - 02/27/14 11:15 PM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome Brett,

Sounds like you already have some good insights about your past and where you want to go. Go for it! We're all behind you.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#461901 - 03/02/14 05:36 PM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Brett,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, and at the same time glad you have found us.

I recently described to a partner of a an abuse survivor, how I've read about how our minds tend to repeat the behaviors most familiar to it. I believe that these actions we take are done in an effort to control a situation we were ultimately completely out of control of. The control however is an illusion, and acting out our abuse is done mostly unconsciously. I do not want to assume that this is the case for you, but it does sound quite similar.

I have been meditating for a little over 2 months, and cannot really attest to the clearing of old emotions, but can cite a more calm self, a feeling being less affected by my history. I hope this is true, for both of us.

Welcome and take care
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#462119 - 03/06/14 11:25 AM Re: My Story [Re: Brett55]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 385
Loc: Midwest
Brett
Welome to a fellow Iowan. I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but you have made the right decision to join MS. I joined a little over a year ago, and it has been a vital part of my recovery. Each guy here has his story, so you are not alone. Take it at your speed. This is your journey and your recovery. You can control the pace and the steps of your recovery. The journey towards healing can be tough, but it's worth it. Good luck to you.

Dave

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