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#460942 - 02/17/14 04:23 PM Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic*
ScrambledMind1 Offline

Registered: 07/08/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Ontario, Canada
sorry folks...i need to rant. This is a scatter brain post so if i seems like i'm bouncing off the wall - I am.

*scatter rant over...for now* Thanks guys.

#460945 - 02/17/14 04:36 PM Re: Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic* [Re: ScrambledMind1]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I would say to stop looking. Join clubs for hobbies you like and let it happen. Desire in itself does not produce results.

It is lonely and maddening. And to act out and feel self loathing hurts even more.

First things first. Stop the bad behavior. Self respect will be restored.

Women sense self respect and confidence. So do others, of course.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#461099 - 02/19/14 08:59 PM Re: Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic* [Re: ScrambledMind1]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:17 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#461111 - 02/19/14 10:49 PM Re: Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic* [Re: ScrambledMind1]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
Hey ScrambledMind,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. On the upside, your self-awareness and honesty with your self is a huge plus as you work to understand what's going on.

It's pretty common for survivors to have a belief that they are anything from just unattractive to viscerally repulsive. It's also completely independent of how they are actually perceived by potential romantic and sexual partners. It can be hard to get your self-image better calibrated with reality. I had this problem myself. I thought of myself as small, quiet, and a host of other things that weren't true. I had to do some work understanding that I'm average height, average weight, and adjust my spirit to fit my body, not the body I imagined I had.

If "sex was sex" as you suggested, it wouldn't matter who we had sex with. The truth is it's not just sex. Sexual attraction and romantic desire come first and they are very complex with humanity only just scratching the surface in understanding them. Listen to the things that attract you to people that aren't directly about sex and you might find a clearer picture of where your romantic desire really lies. In my own life I found thinking back to the emotional (non-sexual) crushes I had before I was abused helpful in understanding who and what actually attracts me.

I think it's very significant how important the attractiveness of the women you date is to you. When we feel unattractive and judged by others, it's very human to try and influence other people's opinions of us by dating the "hot" girl. Getting the "hot" girl, and other people's reaction to that can also let us tell ourselves that maybe we're not as unattractive, unworthy, and unlovable as we thought. In my experience, the core of this is how we feel about ourselves. I don't know if you have a therapist you work with, but this feels like a great subject for you both to talk about and unpack.

I'm going to agree with my brothers above that it would probably be healthy for you to focus on doing things you like and meet people in the real world. There is nothing as attractive as someone who is doing things they love and showing who they really are. Again, in my own life I found that as soon as I let go of my anxiety about sex and dating and focused on being who I was and having fun, I had people suddenly attracted to me.

It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're very aware of what's going on inside you. Relax a little, take a few deep breaths, and don't put so much pressure on yourself.


Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#461439 - 02/25/14 04:07 AM Re: Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic* [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
ScrambledMind1 Offline

Registered: 07/08/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Thanks guys - I appreciate your feedback. I do plan on either joining some sports leagues of some sort come spring...good exercise and meet people at the same time. Its great to have a forum like this to vent and not be judged, and get some great advice and positive support.

Thanks again guys - I often find my abuse so petty compared to others here, but I always feel everyone gets treated with the same high level of respect and attention and I applaud that.
"None but ourselves can free our minds" ~ Bob Marley

#461441 - 02/25/14 04:21 AM Re: Really fed up.... *definite triggers/graphic* [Re: ScrambledMind1]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Welcome to MS.

My issues are very similar to yours, but I've recently found a woman who accepts where I am in recovery and is OK with my issues.

So first try to release yourself of any shame, guilt or fear you have left over from the abuse. The way that abuse affects your sexuality now? That's not your fault.

So try to just accept yourself as you are, and maybe you'll meet someone in your sports league who can accept that, too.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.


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