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#461361 - 02/23/14 10:40 PM Stuck in the mud
Bliss4All Offline

Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 9
Loc: SF Bay area, California
I don't even realize that I'm depressed until I come up against the reality of all the skills and gifts that I have that I am unable to put to use and to utilize. I am an incredible artist, photographer and writer. I am An insightul philosopher and witty speaker. I have a sharp mind, and very capable hands. Yet I cannot seem to dream beyond the dream of managing to take care of myself. I cannot seem to rise beyond the challenge of clutter in my home and remembering to feed myself while juggling work and bills and other adult responsabilities.
I always feel like I could be so much more. I could be happy, feel accomplished, I could be productive. I could be loved and respected for what I bring to the world, for all I have to share. But I don't. Instead, I struggle to move, like wading through deep mud, to move forward and sustain. To work, to meet expectations, and not fall apart in ways that dissappoint others, but only disappoint myself.
And when I delve into it. When I dive into the heavy darkness of mud that holds me back, I recognize again and again that I am forever living in what appears to be a hopelessly loosing battle to try to be something more than just my fathers sex thing. More than someone else's toy that is used and then thrown aside. It's so hard to get over these deeply rooted, entrenched beliefs about myself. No matter how much I recognize all the potential, all the skills and charm and gifts that I carry. In the end, it is always the dark and murky undertow of my past that pulls me back down and keeps me from becoming everything I hope, wish, and truly deserve to be. Even when I seem to be plodding along. Even when it all feels ok, like even-keel, when I'm sonewhat reaonably managing my needs and seem content. Even then, I am not rising beyond the reality of meeting my needs to be meeting my potential.

#461363 - 02/23/14 10:53 PM Re: Stuck in the mud [Re: Bliss4All]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
I know EXACTLY how you feel.

#461367 - 02/24/14 12:19 AM Re: Stuck in the mud [Re: Bliss4All]
Bliss4All Offline

Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 9
Loc: SF Bay area, California
I need more feedback... frown

#461373 - 02/24/14 03:08 AM Re: Stuck in the mud [Re: Bliss4All]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1105
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Bliss,

I'm 64 and have a lot of musical aptitude. I love to sing, play the piano, am able to facilitate some with choral groups and enjoy it. HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!!!! My musical aptitude has been severely compromised this entire lifetime by early abuse trauma.

I simply spent most of my life not knowing what was going on with me. Fortunately, even with the darkest depressions, I have proved sufficiently resilient to keep on going. I was 53 before beginning to remember paternal sexual abuse and 63 before beginning to remember maternal sexual abuse. Fortunately, I spent the years from 20 on with therapy, self-help, personal growth... in an effort to figure out what was wrong with me. It was hell. I didn't understand at age 45 that my ability to work was rapidly disappearing, so I had many brutal years of declining ability to work, less and less money.

What this process did, however, was detox me from materialism and set the stage for where I am now. I live very comfortably on my modest social security check. While still a hermit, I am healing continuously on my damaged areas and am now at a place where I feel ABLE to begin seriously embracing my music. And now, for the first time, I am embracing my music for myself. It feels so healthy and so hopeful. And, eventually, I will involve myself with others musically.

I believe it was in the King Arthur legend that I read 'as goes Arthur, so goes the land.' That is certainly true for me. What was so severely compromised with me was ANY personal passionate expression. I finally got it that until I healed the damage inside myself, nothing satisfying COULD occur for me. So, I have become increasingly focused year after year, have finally learned to be in a true present more often than not, and am increasingly empowering my own inner teacher.

The most important point I would like to share is that it has all been very, very worth it. I am worth all the energy at my disposal in support of myself. As I continue to patch myself up, my ability to love myself and to love the rest of creation grows.

Sending you lots of love and good will,

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards


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