It has been some time since I posted. I just wanted to stop in and say hello and to let everyone know how I'm doing.
Since Christmas, my life has taken a dramatic turn for the good. I met a younger woman, disclosed everything to her, and we have only grown closer as a result.
Before Christmas, I felt defeated in life and thought that I could never have a relationship, marriage and family. And now, miraculously, all these things seem possible.
It's a long-distance relationship, so it's not ideal, but it's going to work.
She is 24 and I'm 37, which is somewhat of a concern I suppose, but I think my recovery has set me back 10 years of emotional growth, so in that sense, these ages seem just fine. She gets her MBA this year, so she's no child.
She also has some trauma in her past, but as a teen and a young woman. Never the less, she understands my PTSD and dissociative issues and is really good at spotting them and reading me emotionally when we're together.
She knows about my SSA to older men, and this doesn't seem to phase her. When I dissociate during sex, she recognizes it and brings me back.
I just went on a road trip with her through Arizona from Phoenix to Monument Valley in Navajo country, which happened to take us through Prescott, AZ, home of our fallen brother, Life's A Dream, a story that I told her as we drove through. I cried telling her what happened to LAD, but again it brought us closer together.
I have changed my avatar from the tree missing its center to one of the giant rocks of Monument Valley. This thing is 1,000 feet tall and a mile across at its base. I've made this change to reflect how I feel I have changed in the past few months.
I'm still with my EMDR T, and there's still much left to deal with, including the SSA and my dissociation during sex with my girlfriend, but these seem like issues that I can overcome now with her help.
But I could have never gotten myself to this point in my recovery process without my many good friends and brothers here at MS. You know who you are. I love you all deeply.
Thank you for all your support, and I apologize for not being here more. I will try to be more present and supportive going forward.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found no spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.