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#461243 - 02/22/14 02:40 AM Scared of and for my boyfriend. Please help.
Angeldoll193 Offline

Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Twin Cities, MN
This is my first time posting on here. And I'm a little nervous because I really really don't want to offend, hurt or trigger anyone. So first off, I apologize.

I'm in a situation with my boyfriend, and I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I was thinking I could use some input from women or men (or both) on here. I love him and I'm supportive of him. I even have thought of marriage with him in a few years when we're done with college. We met in a child survivor group in high school. And it's been a couple years and we've been seeing each other for almost a year. I know he was sexually abused by a woman he knew as a teen and he is still very triggered by that.

In the beginning everything was great. We were communicating well, we listened to each other well. And we supported each other. But now, it's his anger that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself and/or others. He gets really angry and calls me names and pushes me away sometimes. I try to remind him of the man who hurt me and that I completely understand him. He calls me a feminist b****, and says I'm a man-hater who thinks things don't happen to men. But all that is not true. I would never think those things. And he was the one who got me to trust again, and made everything ok. Maybe I've failed him somehow, I don't know. I thought I was reaching him somehow.

This is the main part where I am really sorry if this bothers anyone who might be reading. We had become sexually active and being safe about it of course. But this is one of the big parts of our relationship that gets him in his rough anger mode. He's started getting really aggressive and likes being rough. He asked me one day what I thought of being restrained, and held down and him being completely in control. I had said I wasn't really sure. I'm not that experienced and I feel like I'm still learning about my body, and understanding being sexually intimate positively with a man. But one night he decided to do it anyway, and he started holding my neck and I was really uncomfortable and scared and he got angry. We had talked after and he promised he wouldn't do anything rough unless I was ready. But then another night he tried holding my hands down, just things like that he was starting to try on me. I don't even like being sexually intimate with him anymore, because of him being too aggressive, I'm afraid of him being too rough. But when I happen to make a move first he moves away from me and yells that I'm triggering him. When he's gotten angry he gets in my face, and gets more angry if I don't look him in the eyes.

Lately he's made me cry a lot, and I hate that I'm becoming afraid of him when I'm supposed to be supporting him and when I do love him. And I want him to feel safe with me and in general. Do we belong together? Are we triggering each other to the point where we can't handle physical touch? I've even thought, is he trying to engage in rough sex with me, because somewhere in his mind, he's trying to get back at the woman who did those awful things to him when he was a teenager? Or is he trying to be in control when he was not in the past? I want us to both go back to therapy again, but I don't know how to communicate that with him right now because of the way he's been. I don't know what do to. I haven't really told anyone I know yet. Everyone thinks we're doing great, but we're not.
Thank you so much for reading, and again, I'm so sorry about the details.

#461247 - 02/22/14 04:14 AM Re: Scared of and for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Angeldoll193]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

Sorry that you are going through this with someone you care about. It seems like you have a pretty good understanding of the situation. It also seems like he understands the process of triggering.

What might be missing is how to undo what is negative from both of your perspectives. In order to have good communication, you may have to find a way to do that, even if it means scaling down the intimacy until you are both being heard fully.

Hope you can find more helpful thoughts here.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#461627 - 02/27/14 01:33 PM Re: Scared of and for my boyfriend. Please help. [Re: Angeldoll193]
HopeDiesLast Offline

Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I just found your post. If I was you, I'd get myself into therapy and talk about this with a T. You and your boyfriend met in a child survivor group, so I take it you didn't make it through your childhood umharmed, either. That leaves you at a vulnerable position.

Take or leave what I'm saying according to how it fits your situation, but from your post, I see a lot of red flags. Going through with violent sexual behaviour that your partner has explicitly said NO to is a huge red flag. To state it bluntly, having been abused is no excuse for abusing someone else.

As for yourself, I see you writing about supporting and loving him. My question is, have you thought about whether he is supporting and loving you? Not whether he SAYS he is, but whether he actually DOES. You wrote that you hate becoming afraid of him and that you want him to feel safe with you. Honestly, I was expecting you to want to feel safe with him, not the other way round. Which would make a behaviour change from him necessary, while your statement seems to imply that you hope to change yourself enough for him to make him stop hurting you. That is another huge red flag for me. You seem to put the blame for his violent behaviour on yourself (triggering him into it). If that hits somehwere close to the mark, please go talk to a T about it.

Every relationship needs a balance in giving and receiving support. It seems from your post that in your relationship the balance is severely tilted towards you giving support and him receiving support. From experience, I can tell you that that is ok for acute situations but if it is a long-term dynamic, it does not make for happy relationships.

Last but not least, let me state again that my insights come only from your post, so take or leave them as they apply. Please be safe, Angeldoll.


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