Well guys,

I must admit.. i'm not sure of my commitment. On another site i felt i was held personally responsable for not replying enough. Oh my.. my guilt machine is working well. It's like all the guilt can be there but my own. I shouldnt feel guilt, i shouldnt feel bad etc.And here i am.. again. Happy to have this place and yet so confused, yet again.

I know that therapy from last year helped me a lot. But i also knew from the start that some things weren't going to plan. I'd like to share it here, cause this is the place where i know i can share my thoughts and feelings. I really got rushed into EMDR due to the limit on the number of free consults i could get. It was absolutely not my therapists fault, and also not mine. But to me EMDR now sounds like a trick. It might have elevated some pain and brought some relief, but in the end.. i hardly knew my therapist and she hardly knew me.

I had 3 or 4 sessions with her when we started EMDR. She was for me the 6th or 7th person i told what happened. And she was concerned with the money, just as i was. That's the interesting thing. I'm subconsciously more concerned with money than i would admit to, to myself and other people. So she was just doing her job. But now looking back, it seems insane that we did EMDR after a couple of sessions, reading that it took years for people (together with their therapists) to even start considering EMDR. Talking about setting borders lol

I don't want to sound too dramatic, cause things are actually going pretty well. Just having difficulty finding a job and now that i've quit smoking MJ 4 weeks ago, today i've noticed i'm (still) addicted to alcohol. Not in the sense that i need to have alcohol each and every moment of the day, but today somehow was a stressful day. Been reading too much bad news and conspiracy i guess*

The thing is that i don't really have an issue at all, it seems more and more that i'm doing well apart from having a job. But thats the issue to me. How to get through the day without having any guidelines or clear things to do? I do a bit of voluntairy work, but thats for a couple of hours a week. I have a masters degree in a difficult field to work in, not much work, but i have the level. The crisis is making things more difficult. But i do find that i lack the motivation to really search for something, to really create the opportunity for myself. Whereas most of my friends are slowly growing in their fields and stepping up the ladder, i never made any progress whatsoever.

I don't really believe this is the core of the problem, but it is a handicap. And i read - at least here in Holland a survey showed - that 50% of the people who suffered from abuse have difficulty finding and/or maintaining a job.

So i'm close to being in social security services, meaning getting money from the government and being guided into finding a job through them. But lately the rules became a lot more strict and i find that this is somewhat confronting to me. I don't want to have to do a job which i know will never satisfy me, but at the same time i am questioning whether there will be anything which will satisfy me.

Sometimes i wonder whether i'm just lazy? And i know this is true and not true. I'm lazy because i fear what will happen if i'd step out of all my protection and comfort zones, but most of all i'm afraid of how to be open in an honest way without giving myself away too much. I don;t want to be a victim or sound like a victim, but typing this made me realize i am a victim of this already.

So right now i'm just confused. I know that starting smoking MJ now wouldn't change a thing, it'll only make me fall back once again. What i find difficult is that i cant explain plainly what has happened to me and why it is hurting me so much. I can't tell to a possible employer: well listen, i'm good and smart, but... there is this issue.. could be that in a months time i'll need a week long break to settle things. So it feels like i have to live a double life.

This also comes back in a book i am writing about my spiritual search and the abuse. Should i be completely honest in the book, exposing everything? Should i expose my brother, who has a good carrier which he enjoys? I don't want to destroy things which don't need to be destroyed, i just want to find a way to express all that is inside.

Last thing i want to mention is that i've found an interesting 'meditation' (i prefer calling it an exercise). It's called Tonglen and i think it's worth Google'ing. The exercise is counterintuitive to what we think of dealing with things. Tonglen is an exercise in which you take your own pain (and/or the pain of everybody else, since everybody is suffering the same pain) and breath that in. On your out-breath you share positive emotions/feelings/etc like love, kindness, compassion etc. Try it first for your self, don't take the whole worlds suffering on your first go. Try to see the part of you which got hurt as the part you breath in and share your compassion and love with you - and all that have had to suffer the same.

Cause this is what stirred my thoughts and feelings yesterday. Reading about Tonglen made me realize what i find is important and what i've been lacking. The thing i find important is being compassionate to others and trying to help them whenever i can. The part i never saw, is being compassionate for myself. And this trap has always been here, at least since the abuse. Helping others was the essence, it never came up in my thoughts that i should care for myself. Ego is an illusion anyway - or so i thought. But how can i help others if i neglect and reject myself?

So no real questions, no real answers.. just the humble wish that you guys read this.
It is a phase, but this time i want to come out of it clean without MJ.

Cause the realisation which i have difficulty with is that i am absolutely worth it.
I had to type that in bolt!

I've seen it a lot but i'm finally starting to see for myself that i am willing to help all beings, but myself.. and this, is something i want to change!!

All the best guys and girls!

* what are your thoughts on conspiracy thinking relating to the abuse? To me it kinda feels like i still don't trust my brother(s) and sisters. I try to, but on a deeper level there is still this lack of trust. I just can't seem to reach this part of me and numbing myself down has been the answer to this for quite some time now..

Edited by OCN (02/21/14 12:55 AM)
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!